Employee Of The Month

Hello all you faithful readers of Killer Rants with Liz.  And an even greater welcome to all you new readers, especially everyone who is here from the Nablopomo world.  A few more days before the official Month-long-daily-posting begins.  (November)

I asked you all here today to make an announcement that has been a long time in coming. 

As usual we are going to announce the Employee of the Month here at the illustrious Killer Rants Corporation and Small Engine Repair. 

This month however there has been an upset.  We have had a domination of this honor since it was began earlier this year, but this month one person in particular has out performed, out witted and frankly, out shined both the other employees here at Killer Rants. 

Since it would be unethical for me to name myself Employee of the Month, although Lord knows I deserve it, it gives me great pleasure to present to you the October 2007, Killer Rants Corporation and Small Engine Repair’s, Employee of the Month:  Our very own....Liz!

We in upper management would like to offer our deepest congratulations, along with this five dollar gift certificate for Cat Fancy Magazine, to Liz.

Liz’s picture is also being added to the official Employee of the Month plaque that is proudly displayed in the elegant foyer of the corporate headquarters.  Also, once we get that sewage leak fixed she will be able to park in the Employee of the Month parking spot.

I am including the Employee of the Month plaque for all everyone to appreciate the honor she has earned. 

It also will give everyone an opportunity to see who it was that she beat for this position.  Can she hold on to the position next month?  Only time can tell.

Congratulations Liz!

•   Comments(16)    Posted by killer on 10/22 at 09:50 PM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon

Idiot Vernacular

The following post was originally posted at Killer Rants blogger version on Thursday, March 15, 2007

Our spending so much time together traveling around, combined with our immaturity, brought about the frequent formation of new words to describe our actions and/or derogatory remarks of one another. It has been said that when myself, Chad, Clib and Disco get together it can be very difficult for an outside person to understand what we are talking, and subsequently, giggling about. Most often this is said by Clib’s wife, Mrs. Clib.

Here is a list of some of the words/phrases we use in regular conversation with each other.

Anius: Combo of anus and genius. Refers to a person who has done something stupid, but thinks it was something great.

Cup of Soup: When you fart into your hand, or a hat, and throw it into someone else’s face.

Grump: Poop (as in, “I have to grump” or “I’m feeling a bit grumpy")

HUD house: Outhouse/Porta potty/Pit Toilet (as in, “This campground better have a HUD house, I gotta grump.”

Couch Monkey: A person who is living on your couch, usually over staying their welcome.

50% of Dick is Dick: When someone offers you a deal, but it is not very good.

Onion: A nice Ass. (as in, “Check that onion.") often said in an exaggerated Coon Ass drawl, Un-Yawn.

Turd Cutter: Also a nice Ass.

Fuck Me in The Goat Ass: A response to something unbelievable.

Crop Dusting: Walking in front of someone and farting.

Disrespecting an Area: A warning to others you just farted. (as in, “I just totally disrespected this 7-eleven.")

Nerts/Juevos/Cajones/Junk/Kibbles n Bits/My Boys/Das Nuts: Testicles

Go Balls Out: Give it all you got.

Sherm: Sex. (as in, “Did you see Sherm?” “Man, it’s been so long since I’ve seen Sherm, I don’t even remember what he looks like.")

Craptastic: When something is bad.

2 Cd’s for Free: Asking someone if they want to look at your testicles. (as in, “Would you like 2 CD’s for Free?...See Deeze Nuts!” at this point you must point to your crotch with both hands)

Brown Eye: Squatting over a sleeping person with your naked ass. (as in, “If you fall asleep, I am going to give you the Brown Eye.")

Zap: Gay. (as in, One time Clib came out wearing cover-alls with no shirt, we thought he looked like a gay, male stripper. Instead of saying that, we all kept saying “zap” to him all day.” This is stolen from The Simpsons season 8, when Homer thought Bart was gay, because Bart was walking around with a laser gun saying, “zap”.

zero + zero = gay: A way to tell someone they are not dating enough. (as in, “How many girls did you go out with last month?” reply, “none.” “How many girls have you gone out with this month?” reply, “none.” “Hmmm, zero + zero = gay.") To be fair, gay people could say, “zero+zero= straight”

Corky: Mentally or physically challenged.

Smelling European: Bad body odor. (as in, “Dude, you are smelling mighty European.")

Rick: When you are inconsiderate of your fellow travelers, or become increasingly annoying. (as in, “Quit being a Rick, and let’s get out of here.")

2000 Baht: A reference to a hot chick, or a reference to a prostitute. (as in, “I’d give that chick 2000 Baht.” or “I bet she charges 2000 Baht.") This is derived from the frequent price given (unsolicited) from Thai whores, while walking down Bangkok streets.

Corbin: A derogatory comment about a city or town. (as in, “This place is almost as bad as Corbin.") On one of our very first trips, we got lost and then the bike rack mysteriously snapped off the back of the van in Corbin, Kentucky, forever making it the worst town in the world. On a side note: Corbin is the birth place of KFC.

I am going to pound your prostate: A term of endearment, sort of like, I love you.

Do you and your friends have any special words or phrases?

•   Comments(0)    Posted by killer on 07/01 at 04:52 PM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon

Memorable Quotes and Conversations with Patients

The following post was originally posted on Killer Rants blogger version on Tuesday, December 12, 2006.

“I’m just scratching my balls. If I ever need help for that I will kill myself.”

“You’re too fat to be a nurse, go lose twenty pounds and try again.”

“A man nurse! Their gonna let that bitch, Hillary, be President, and my nurse has a dick. What has happened to America?”

“Your not giving me a suppository! Look at the size of your fingers!”

Patient one: “You have to move me, the guy in the next bed smells like elephant shit.”
Patient two: “You spend much time around elephant shit?”
Patient one: “No, that’s why I gotta move.”

“After you wipe my rear I want you to show me the toilet paper so I can assess my stool.” (studies used toilet paper for about a minute) “My doctor says my paralysis is all psychological. Does that look like the stool of a crazy person?”

Patient: “I think the woman in the next bed has had a bowel movement.
Me: “That bed is empty.”
Patient: “Well that just leaves you and me, and I think I would know if I had a bowel movement.”
Me: “I’ll go the bathroom and check.” (It was her)

Patient: “You guys are always poking me with a needle. What, do you charge per stick?”
Me: “Yes, the more sticks the more I get paid.”
Patient: “I knew it! I can’t wait to tell my brother, he said that was ridiculous.”
Me: “I was only joking. I just like sticking people with a needle. I’d do it for free.”
Patient: “Oh, well I’m going to tell him anyway, he’s an asshole when he’s right.”

Patient: “A male nurse? Why aren’t you a doctor?”
Me: “I was but my patients kept dying so they demoted me.”
Patient: “Can you become a doctor again?”
Me: “If you live through the night I’m one step closer.”
Patient: “What if I die?”
Me: “I have to work in the cafeteria.”

•   Comments(3)    Posted by killer on 06/30 at 04:58 PM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon