The Perfect Date

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I LOVE this concept.  The world is finally catching up with my ideals.  This is exactly how I like my dates, and I would be willing to pay by the pound...usually.

Family Fun With Frogs

It is sad when the funniest thing I have seen in a long time is a Family Guy skit.  Plus it involves a dead frog.  I don’t really understand what it is about this that I find so funny, but it makes me laugh out loud.

I usually even think they carry a scene on too long, but this one is just hilarious.  Sorry to all you frog lovers.

A Common Thread

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who thinks of certain things or behaves in peculiar ways. I know I can’t be, I mean, CERTAINLY someone else…

1. Has fantasies of having all personal zits and blemishes combined into one giant Blit, probably located on the ass or back of one knee
2. Thinks that home air conditioning units should have an option of nitrous oxide. And that this should be government subsidized.
3. Believes that figs are greatly under rated
4. Knows that a cigarette COULD be made that has health benefits
5. Spends, and for years has spent, countless hours designing their dream home- with absolutely zero chance of this home ever being built or owned
6. Sometimes answers questions out loud.... when no one else is in the room. Sometimes it’s even worse. It’s like a grunt or an ‘Hummmmm’ instead of a real word
7. Pretends to have her own cooking show where profanity is the spice of choice
8. Thinks regularly of MacGyver and Magnum
9. Is actually proud of how many hours they can sleep
10. Is terrified of ostriches

Anything listed sound like you? Or am I truly alone with this one?

The Search Ends Here?

Religion Test
Take the Religion Test at Quiz Rocket.com!
Free MySpace Quizzes & Online Quizes.

I have spent the past hour looking on line for a meaningful quiz to help me frame my religious beliefs. The first quiz told me I was a Christian, and read, “Ekk. I’m vomiting. Can you tell I’m an Atheist?” This let me know that either a very immature adult or silly teen angst created that quiz. I’m sure it’s on someone in Arizona’s Face Book page and kids between 12 and 16 are FREAKING OUT that someone’s BFF didn’t get the same score as the rest of the choir group.

I’m not one to give up easily, so I kept looking for the right fit- an adult woman on a serious quest. After continuing to search, because I know I’m not Christian in that I believe that Jesus Christ was simply a man, I discover another quiz has me categorized as an Atheist.

This isn’t correct either.

I don’t see how I can be scored as both an Atheist and a Christian within 50 minutes of taking these test!

I’m looking for a valid and thoughtful quiz that will teach me about various religions and ask probing questions. I feel like I share beliefs with some religion somewhere, but my Southern Baptist upbringing never exposed me to it. This week I have been on a mission to find a definition- to at least increase my understanding and view of what God may be. I feel like this is an important thing to have an opinion about, yet I spend very little time thinking about this topic.

I don’t believe in the power of prayer, but I do believe in the power of God. I don’t believe that Jesus came as the martyr to save our souls. I don’t believe that an ark carried 2 of every animal through a flood. I do believe Jesus was born and crucified and that a massive flood did occur on Earth. I think that Science and History are ways to discover God and I don’t think the evidence is there yet to enable us to view the story. I don’t know if there’s a heaven or a hell and I don’t know if we come back in other lives. I don’t know if demons and angels are real, or manifestations of imagination. I have a lot of questions and really weak opinions. I’d like to care. I want to know.

And I love that we have the free will to ask.

So… a little help here? Anyone know where I can go to learn more? No propaganda, no church websites, no invitations to wear a long dress and be one of 16 wives to some Texan asshole. I’m just looking for some answers while it seems to matter.

I’ve Lost That Blogging Feeling

I’ve been pretty lax in my blog work as of late.  Hell, I have pretty much been phoning it in for the last few months.  In case you haven’t noticed, Liz has been out blogging me, and that is pretty hard for her to do.  At least one of her 25 cats is usually sleeping on top of her computer key board, and she hates to disrupt their peaceful slumber.

I’ve noticed that this is not a problem that is restricted to me.  Several of my old faithful blog compatriots have been slacking off and going at it half heartedly.  I have even noticed a lack of effort in my spam comments.  I used to get hundreds a week full of valid attempts to fool my spam blocking programs.  Misspelled words, exclamation points, and my all time favorite, “Wow this is an awesome blog!  Speaking of awesome, wouldn’t a larger penis be awesome?  Check out this amazing website.”

Now they don’t seem to really care about my penis size anymore.  I only get about 50 a week and they are worded, “small penis?  read this.” Even a mediocre spam blocker, or even Windows Vista, could tell that is bad and block it. 

I have no idea what can be done to boost my blogginess.  I have been really busy working for money and working for the prospect of money.  Unfortunately, the prospective money is much more time consuming, and much less rewarding.  I am thinking of taking all my financial worth and going to Vegas, finding the nearest craps table and putting it all on one roll of snake eyes.  That would at least be more efficient and have immediate results.  It’s the waiting the kills me.

I hesitate to put myself in a slump, but rather view it as an incline that is causing a temporary slow down.  The beer isn’t as tasty right now, the Gold Bond hasn’t been as tingly on my testicles, and I have been too busy to go to Liz’s house and fart on her newly upholstered chairs.  Those are my usual spirit lifting, “glad to be alive” moments, and they are not working.  What is a simple man to do when the simple things are no longer simple?

Don’t cry for me Argentina. 

I’ll be back soon enough, and when I do...I’m doubling up on the nut powder, grabbing a six pack of beer, two burritos and heading over to Liz’s house.  Because if you can’t share your happiness with the ones you love, what is the point in being happy?

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