Undoubtedly, This will Happen to Me, at the hands of Liz

Upon reading this article shivers ran down my spine.  I have an eerie feeling that this has come very close to happening to me at Liz’s house on numerous occasions.

Man Causing Real Stink in Motel Room Gets Stabbed
AP
Thu Apr 9, 9:00 pm ET

WACO, Texas – A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend, police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night, and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest, Anderson said.

The 35-year-old man was transported to a Waco hospital, where he was treated for what appeared to be non-life threatening injuries, Anderson said.

Jose Braule Ramirez, 33, of Houston, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, police said. He was arraigned Wednesday and was being held in the McLennan County Jail on $15,000 bond and placed on an immigration hold, according to jail records . He cannot be released, even if he posts bond, until authorities verify he is in the country legally.

A jail spokeswoman who declined to give her name said she was not allowed to release information on whether Ramirez had an attorney.

I don’t want to be inappropriate and speak of such things as flatulence in a public forum, but on rare occasions, I have been known to have some uncontrollable, and regrettable, gaseous issues at Liz’s lovely home.  No accusations are intended, but I have seen her reaching for sharp objects and giving me threatening glances.  I personally feel that I have NEVER flatulated in her home without remorse and only when completely necessary to avoid bodily discomfort. 

I certainly have never done it maliciously and upon her complaints, I have ALWAYS ceased to do so.

I for one am outraged by this lone man’s reaction to flatulence and am praying this does not become a pandemic, or mass hysterical reaction that our often too-fast-to-react society embraces.

I am going to try to get some air time on the O’Reilly Factor to try and address my concerns

•   Comments(6)    Posted by killer on 04/11 at 05:45 PM
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ER Stories:  The One You DON’T Want to Hear

So, a late forties dude comes to the ER.  A dude in his late forties, not some skinny guy in a zoot suit with a Tommy gun.  I look on the board and it says, “Rectal bleeding”, those are always a try-to-avoided case, but when you are going down the line, sometimes you have to bite the bullet. 

I take him back to a room and ask the usual, “So, what brings you to the hospital tonight?” (At three in the morning no less.) He begins to regale me with a tale of an out of control hemorrhoid, and how this evil hemorrhoid is causing him great discomfort and making pooping a chore.  I was about to slap him around and explain Preparation H to this guy when the story took an even weirder turn.  “It was bothering me so much...I finally put a rubber band around it.”

My mind started going into overdrive trying to put those words together in a sentence that seemed reasonable.  I began trying to picture the logistics of putting a rubber band around a hemorrhoid, and then I started picturing this guy doubled over trying to look at his own rectum, then going through that weird, rubber-band technique of twisting it around a few times to get it tighter.  I think he realized my silent contemplation extending into the uncomfortable, because he suddenly blurted, “I read about hemorrhoid ligation on Web-MD.” Ohhhhhhh!  Good ol’ Web-MD.  Nothing ever goes wrong with the random information found on the internet. 

On a side rant, we get a lot of people who have massive issues following some home remedy, or self diagnosis, found on Web-MD.  I want to start a website called Web-Bank.  People will mail/wire/paypal me money and I will keep it for them, at an impressive rate of return, and when they are ready, I will send it back.  You can rest assured it is 100% reliable, because it says Bank in the title.

Back to our patient at hand, The gentleman was stating how great it was working.  Almost instant resolve of all symptoms, no itching or burning, a return to normal, satisfying poops, it was as if the heavens had parted and shined a ray of hope on to his beleaguered rectum.  Then a few days into this unorthodox home remedy, he realized, the rubber band fell off.  He said he was suddenly besieged by a flooding of blood back into the hemorrhoid, and although non-painful, it was double in size and he was afraid it would continue to grow and eventually explode, “possibly causing him to bleed to death.” Now that would be a death worthy of the Darwin Awards.

SPOILER ALERT
as in spoiling your dinner, not the story
So, I go tell the doctor on duty, and after an exceedingly inappropriate number of, “What!?!  How?!?” He finally agreed to come and see for himself.  I was relegated to holding the flashlight during this part of the exam. 
It looked like he was growing a large purple grape next to his asshole.
He was told: 

A.  Not to do that again
B.  Ligation of hemorrhoids is for internal, not external hemorrhoids, and NOT something done at home.
C.  Go sit in a hot bath this weekend as long as you can and go see your primary doctor on Monday

Proudly, he was in and out in about fifteen minutes.  Another life saved in the ER.  And, as oddly convenient as it is to this story, someone did really come up to me shortly afterward and offer me some grapes.  Luckily they were green, if they had been purple I might have puked.

•   Comments(10)    Posted by killer on 04/06 at 05:02 PM
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