Mommy Dearest

It’s Mother’s Day; one manufactured holiday I can get behind! Mother’s Day provides me with the opportunity to talk about some real ‘Mothers’ out there. Hope you enjoy!

Mothers, Lock Up Your Daughters

This mother’s day acknowledgement goes out to R. Kelly. In case you haven’t heard, R. Kelly has been accused- and video taped- having sex and urinating on VERY under-aged girls. Paedophile? Sounds like it. Career suicide? Unlikely. R. claims that he is not the man on the video tape and has publicly stated, of course, that he isn’t into pre-pubescent girls. That’s a difficult charge to deny when he secretly married the singer Aaliyah, his protégé, in 1994 when she was 15. The marriage was later annulled by her parents before Aaliyah died in a 2001 air crash.

So mothers, lock up your daughters should R. Kelly perform a concert in your town.

To be fair, R. Kelly isn’t the first adult man to crave girls. Aside from the religious cult recently busted in Texas, here’s a small list of some predatory grandpaws- man they like ‘em young....

— When Jerry Lee Lewis, rock’n’roll musician, married his 13-year-old cousin, Myra Gale Brown, in 1957, radio stations refused to play his music, bookings were cancelled and several years passed before his career recovered

— Miami Vice actor Don Johnson was 22 when he began a four-year relationship with 14-year-old Melanie Griffith. She moved in with him and they were married three years later. She went on to become a star in her own right

— In 1992 film director Woody Allen was accused of sleeping with his partner Mia Farrow’s adopted daughter Soon Yi Previn. She was 21, he was 56. They were later married

— Elvis Presley met Priscilla in 1959 in Germany, where her father was stationed at an airbase near Friedberg. Elvis, too, was based there while in the army. She was invited to a party at Elvis’s home. Priscilla was 14, Elvis 24. They married eight years later in 1967

— Bill Wyman started “dating” 13-year-old Mandy Smith in 1983 when he was 47. They married six years later – and divorced two years after that

Creepiest Celebrity Mom

Come on. She’s 74 years old! It’s just so wrong…

Owners of Mother Nature

Have you heard of Monsanto? In last month’s Vanity Fair magazine, there is an article about the dominance of Monsanto that scared me. I know that right now, ‘green’ is the new ‘black’, but Monsanto is a force that needs to be monitored long after the ‘trend’ of being environmentally aware has passed. This is way over simplified, but they basically own our food- and they aren’t in this business to ensure that we’re ingesting high quality, safe produce- they are in it to dominate at a whole new level and ensure that we remain dependent. Do a little research- and then, as I do, feel helpless about it.

Creator of a Mother Fucking Disaster

I blame lots of things on the current debacle in Iraq, but I can’t think ‘debacle’ without thinking Karl Rove. Maybe he isn’t to blame for everything, but he’s slimy and a contributor to the mother fucking nightmare we’re living right now.

Mom I’d Most Like to Lunch With

I have a lot of questions concerning the virgin birth and the life and times of Christ. I think lunch with Jesus might be a little too intense- I mean, He answers your questions with His own questions and parables- and lunch is too short for that. I want answers! So I’d like to go straight to the mother. There’s nothing moms like more than talking about their kids. Plus, I’d like to know if Jesus favored his mom or Dad in the looks department.

If Mother Mary isn’t available for lunch, my second choice is Julia Roberts.

One Bad-Ass Mother… shut your mouth!

When it comes to action, I like the syrupy flavor of one Indiana Jones. That dude is one bad ass mother fucker. I’m just hoping that the newest flick- released in a scant few weeks- doesn’t send the whole body of films into a tailspin.

Look at this guy. He’s ‘tough’ personified. And don’t even mention that he’s dreamy.

There it is. The 2008 Mother’s Day list. For those of you who are moms, and those of us who came from mothers, I hope this day is a good one. Whether you’re sharing this day with your family or remembering the good times you had with your mom, I hope you do have a special day.

•   Comments(5)    Posted by liz on 05/11 at 07:25 AM
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How I Reward Myself

Thanks for all of your congratulatory comments concerning the acquisition of my Master’s Degree. It was a seven-year test of endurance and finally, I have come through this Hell. This is what I’ve been doing with my free time. Not only have I been watching ‘Fist Full of Quarters’, I have been trying to topple the Donkey Kong world record. Just to meet those guys.

So far, I’ve made it to level 2.

I enjoyed a weekend in Oxford at my BFF’s house. While I was away I asked my 84 year old neighbor to open the door twice a day to let the cats out. I didn’t expect him to come into the house, so unmentionables were everywhere. Not only did I get a play-by-play of every move my cats made, I also found out that one of the slats under my bed was not properly placed. WTF? He also, I guess, walked through the house a couple of times as he mentioned not being able to find the litter box (which he didn’t need to find) and recommended that I keep my closet door closed to help cut down on cooling cost.

If you do not have an 84-year old neighbor, I recommend you get one. They will watch your house like a hawk, tell you if your neighbor is stealing your outdoor electricity, and bring your garbage can in for you. The down side is that they keep up with every move you make and want an agenda of what you did that day and what you will do tomorrow. He actually asked me last week if I was sick because my car was still in the carport at 8 AM. I said, “No, I wasn’t sick” and he said, “Well, I think it was that day that you also came back to your house around lunch.” I should have told him what I was thinking, which was, “I just had a twat inspection,” but I opted to keep it friendly.

Any old coots in your neighborhood?

•   Comments(10)    Posted by liz on 05/05 at 04:47 PM
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