Wolfman

Today the custodian and I went to lunch for catfish po-boys. Eating with him is an experience as he smacks at an alarming rate when he is enjoying what he’s eating. Sometimes his smacking is soft and low, like a nursing infant. Today the decibels of his smacking reached new heights. I like introducing him to exotic foods- like carrot cake. It amazes me what all he’s never heard of, much less eaten. Monday I brought a white chocolate raspberry cake to work. He wouldn’t eat it because it sounded funny. After I cut a piece and handed it to him anyway (my standard behavior) he not only ate it, but ate two pieces. I’ve introduced him to sushi, tater tot casserole, and a food he swears will never cross his lips again- potato bread. This from a man who eats chitterlings and coon.

Since I had no appointments and no meetings today, I looked like a fat bum. I let my hair frizz and wore very little makeup and frumpy clothes. Why bother? While we were at lunch, my newly launched ‘interest’ showed up. He’s a guy that has done a strange thing to get my attention- he knocked on my cubicle wall then ducked. That’s funny to me, since we’re both in our 30’s. I haven’t had a man pull the ‘knock and duck’ trick since those men were boys hiding behind doors. It’s one of those things that’s adorable now but that I will find extremely annoying after we’ve been dating for 2 weeks. Ok. 2 days.

This is the hairiest guy I’ve ever been attracted to. Not only does he have a thick head of dark hair, but he’s got extra hair on his arms and is close to having a uni-brow. I’ve not gone out with a full head of hair in over 15 years. And I’m not sure how smart he is. I mean, he has a job that requires you to be kind of smart, but he’s also sort of goofy. I’m not sure yet if it’s my kind of goofy or dumb ass goofy. Time will tell. He’s signed up to take a class I’m teaching later this month- even though I can’t imagine how this might be of any advantage to him. I’ll make an extra effort to engage him to try to get a better sense of his personality- and interest.

We ordered our lunches at the counter and spoke- including his gentle cupping of my arm- and then went to our respective corners. I had strategically decided to sit in a location where I could see him but he couldn’t see me. He didn’t look like a fat bum, so I might as well enjoy the rear view. When he got ready to leave, he glanced over and waved. I waved back, then turned back to the janitor.

“You know, Joe, I’ve sort of got my eye on that guy.”

“Yep. He’s eyeing you too.”

“You think?”

“I know. Men don’t run into garbage cans looking if they ain’t really looking.”

“You have a point.”

“Yep. He’s having those thoughts.”

“And what thoughts are those, Joe?”

“Thoughts of crackin’.”

“Crackin’. That’s what Spring is, isn’t it? The time of year when a young man’s thoughts turn to thoughts of crackin’.”

“A man’s thoughts about crackin’ can be any time, but crackin’ in spring can’t be beat.”

“Yep. Spring Crackin’. Can’t be beat.”

So, here’s wishing that all of us enjoy this spring very much. I’ll keep you posted.

I’m a Manly Man, but my Right Big Toe is a Pussy

I hate my right big toe!  There I was walking along innocently minding my own business when it collides with a metal pipe.  Two things came to mind:  One, Who the Fuck puts a one foot metal pipe in the middle of nowhere?  Maybe it is a breathing tube for Jimmy Hoffa’s hidden lair, but even so, shit man, put a sign up or something...plant a fucking bush to hide it.  Two, How stupid is my foot?  It had to realize that was going to happen.  Why the hell does it keep wearing these Mother F-ing Crocks?  They offer absolutely no protection from the outside world.  I don’t expect steel toed boots, but anything is safer than a quarter inch sliver of molded rubber with holes in it.

My other complaint is centered around the amount of pain stubbing a toe can create.  I have lots of tattoos, I can shit a turd the size of a Schnauzer, but bang my delicate, hairy toe and my head explodes with pain to rival CIA torture techniques.  I almost dropped to my knees and wept there on the sidewalk.  It felt like I should look down and see a midget gnawing on my toe with razor sharp teeth and a mouth full of cold sores, it was that painful.  To make it worse, it still frigging hurts!  If I had a tiny little guillotine that I could put my toe into I would so chop that bitch off right now.  If for no other reason than to teach a lesson to it’s little toe companions...Watch Where You Are Going Fuckers!

The next time I spot a pipe sticking out of the ground I am going to throw myself on top of it so it just nails me in the nut sack.  At least that part of me can take some abuse. 

If I lose it and chop off my toe I will post a picture of it so you can see. 

That Ooomp Loompa Keeps Humping My Leg!

I’m being stalked by a woman I work with.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea that someone can’t resist my sexiness and raw manly charm, but enough is enough.  I don’t what else to do.  I have pretty much done everything I can to show a total lack of interest, other than being mean, which is a disease I have.  Niceness is like a cancer eating away my soul.

Let me start at the beginning:

I started at this hospital at the same time as this girl.  For ease of identification I will use the nickname given to her by some co-workers, Fluffy.  Fluffy and I went through hospital orientation and, although we knew we would be working in the same unit, we did not really speak much in orientation.  Once we began working she seemed to take a sudden shine to me.  She always wanted to be right next to me and she would sort of rub up against me or put her hand on my leg or rub my back. 

Normally I would enjoy this sort of attention, but I am not attracted to Fluffy in any way what so ever.  She is almost fifteen years older than me and wears a LOT of orange-ish make up.  She almost looks like an Oompa Loompa, but without the cool clothes. 

I am pretty dense when it comes to the ladies showing their interest (which might account for my singularity) and did not notice Fluffy’s intentions until one night she suddenly sat down beside me and started asking ever increasingly suspicious questions.  “What do you usually do for fun?  Where do you do on the weekends?  Are you seeing anyone?  What are you doing this weekend?” I, of course, being a dim wit, did not see the next question coming.  “Do you want to go out this weekend?” I was speechless while my brain tried to put these eight words into an understandable context.  Suddenly I blurted back, “You mean....like on a date?!?”

She recovered with amazing deftness, “Oh no, just as friends...I don’t have many friends and am looking for someone to hang out with.” Suddenly my mind is in over wrought with adrenaline.  For some reason my body has gone into Fight or Flight mode.  All I can think of is, “I can’t this weekend, but I’ll take a rain check.” I’m the worst kind of dick.  I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want anything to do with this chick outside of work.  I have spent the last few months dodging her requests for companionship with how busy I am starting my new business, or baby sitting my nephew.  By now she must believe I am a business retard and my Sister is extremely neglectful of her child.  One of those is very much false and the other is yet to be determined.

One night I found myself alone with her in our unit and she sat very close to me and started telling me how great of a guy I am and how much she values me as a friend.  She even referred to me as one of her “closest friends.” Is that legal?  I feel like I have been hi-jacked.  How do you tell someone you don’t WANT to be their friend?  I don’t think I am physically capable of being that mean to someone.  The “Killer is Great” soliloquy went on for quite some time and I could see she was building up courage for a bolder approach.  Finally she said, “I might have asked you before, but are you involved with anyone right now?”

I panicked and lied, “Sort of...I have been involved in a very unhealthy on-again-off-again relationship for several years with a fellow travel nurse.  She is currently working in San Diego.  We are back on right now.” I think I literally heard her heart break at that moment.

She wanted all the details.  She wanted the name, to see pictures, all the juicy bits.  I guess she wanted to know what she was against.  I used my close friend and former roommate, Cathy. 

I did however, call Cathy immediately and inform her of her new role.  Also I wanted to warn her to keep an eye out for any Oompa Loompa looking people that might suddenly start following her or trying to kill her.  She took it quite well.  She is great like that.

Instead of dropping her dreams of becoming Mrs. Killer, she has redoubled her efforts.  She wants to know what my weekend plans are all the time, she wants to be sitting next to me all the time, and now that we actually do have a little cutie pie that is working in our area, I am fearing for this cuties life.  Every time Fluffy spots me talking to this other girl, she walks over and inserts herself into our discussion.  I feel like I have been claimed and can not escape. 

I understand her attraction...I’m one hot son of a bitch, when in scrubs and with the exception of my ego, I’m probably perfect.  What do you, my faithful readers, think I am to do?  Should I just come out and tell her she is in a losing battle?  I can’t use homosexuality as an excuse because I don’t want to rule out a chance with other chicks in the hospital.  I am pleading for some womanly advice on what to do.  Discussions now open in comments.

Leno and the Gayest Look

I saw this story and immediately went to Jester’s site to see if he had posted about this.  Apparently Leno had Ryan Phillippe on his show and made some cracks about his gig when he was younger on “One Life To Live” as a gay teenager.  He asked Ryan to “Say that camera is your gay lover,” Leno prompted: “Can you give me your gayest look? Say that camera is Billy Bob [Thornton]—Billy Bob has just ridden in shirtless from Wyoming.” Phillippe declined to participate.  If you want to see more on this story check out E News.

This has caused some understandable anger in the gay community and a couple of bloggers started a website called mygayestlook.com, it is pretty amusing.  It is slightly slow in loading all the pics.  Most are just normal, but there are a few good ones thrown in.  One of my favorite is a lady in a field surrounded by Llamas and she is flipping off the camera with mittens on.  That one seemed pretty bizarre.

I will admit to not being a very big Jay Leno fan to begin with, so I like this idea even more.

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