Mood Lighting

Tonight we had a discussion about mood lighting.  Someone said that restaurants keep the lighting low, so people would look sexier on dates.  I decided that there, for someone like me, there is a fine line between sexy-lighting and dark-alley-psycho lighting. 

I decided to give examples.

Here is my sexy-lighting photo.  Yes, damn it!  This IS my sexy look.

image

As you can see, with the proper mood lighting...I am quite the sexy mother fucker.  It is a wonder as to my singularity.  I think the rest of the world is just not properly lit to accentuate my better features.  It will probably help if you imagine some Barry White playing softly in the background.  Maybe some champagne and strawberries chilling in a bucket beside the bed. 

Ohhh Yeahhh, now you see it.  Don’t you?

As you see below.  Turn the lights down just a little bit more and suddenly I take on a whole new look.

image

You could probably print this picture up and tape it to your car window and prevent auto theft.  I think your insurance company might give a discount for that.  Call and ask.

Short, Sweet and Utterly Disgusting

On the post from yesterday, My sexy internet girlfriend, Hellohahanarf, left the following comment in response to Liz’s claim that Ben Affleck is more fuckably soft than Matt Damon:

i can’t stand how much i love those two videos.  they are awesome. best part?  that harrison ford used his own car and still has the bumper sticker on it.  LOVE!

p.s.  i’m with liz.  ben was, is and always will be hotter than matt.  neither of them could eat crackers in my bed, but i still would do ben.  twice.

By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 03

Now, although I disagree vehemently on who is hotter, it is the particular phrase, “neither of them could eat crackers in my bed, but i still would do ben.” That caught my attention.  I have never heard this particular phrase and was wondering as to it’s meaning. 

Can a guy be hot enough that he is worthy of a crumb laden bed, or is there something else involved.  Because as a guy...having cracker crumbs under my ass as I am having sex, is not something that I would even think twice about.  A guy would not hesitate to do it on gravel, a bed of nails, or even hot coals.  Especially if it has been a while and there is a distinct possibility it might not be offered again for some time.

More importantly it made me think of a few disgusting guy phrases that I have heard, and even said, in my various travels.  All refer to a girl’s hottness and the things a guy would do in order to have sexual intercourse with her, and are being said to a another male, hopefully someone you are close to.


I would drink her bath water.

I’d let her give me a Cleveland Steamer.

The things I want to do to her would get me arrested in most states, maybe not California, but definitely here in Mississippi.

I would give that chick the best 95 seconds of her life.

Where is a Roofie when you need one?

I would stick my tongue in her asshole...hell, if you had YOUR tongue in her asshole, I’d put my tongue in YOUR asshole just to be that close.

And, if you are NOT wanting sexual relations with a girl due to unattractive reasons....

I would not fuck that chick with YOUR dick.

Please feel free to add any inappropriate or tasteless one liners in comments.

Finally, Jimmy Kimmel is funny again

I used to LURVE Jimmy Kimmel.  When he was on Win Ben Stein’s Money, he made the show.  On the original Man Show, they pushed the envelope of good taste, and I loved it, but his talk show is slow to start.  I have tried to watch it and it is really hit and miss.  I’m glad that ABC is willing to give him time to come into his element, and this clip sent to me by Liz is a testament to what he can do when he tries.  It is also really amazing who all he gets involved.  I thought the Sarah Silverman song about Mat Damon was good, but Jimmy fires back with a star studded salute.

Princess Liz

Until recently, I did not know that these nail salons in strip malls across America often have massage chairs in them. I ((heart)) massage chairs and, if I weren’t in my thirties, would have long ago been banned from Brookstone for loitering. Walgreens has a lesser version in the pharmacy waiting area. I put my germ phobias aside every time I go to Walgreens and sit in the massage chair. If a kid is in the chair when I get there, I give him the evil eye until he is intimidated and leaves.

So last week I go to get a massage pedicure. I rarely do this, but I thought I’d do a little Liz pampering. I’ve been stressed out waiting for my Cricut to arrive in the mail and thought this would be a great break. I sit almost 40 minutes in this sub-par chair waiting for my turn. The rollers move up and down, but totally lack the action you find in the Brookstone chairs. Still, it’s a back rub and I’ll take it.

When the man comes to give the pedicure, I schooched way down in the chair. I thought this would not only help him, but would allow those shoulders to experience the rollers for a while. Several times I checked myself- I look like I’m giving birth- I thought. My knees were up, my legs were spread, there is this dude straight across from my womanliness. Oh well… he’s used to it, I’m sure....

Several times my posture made me slightly uncomfortable but the selfish need to have those rollers massage my upper back overpowered any social etiquette. I would scoot down more to where my rear end was at the very edge of the chair and my legs were pretty much as open as they get. “Open wide” could have been my mantra. Not very lady like, I know, but I’m not a regular here. I was being hedonistic and damn the world, I was in this for me!

I noticed too that the dude giving the pedicure was not very engaging. He didn’t do much chit chat and he didn’t make a lot of eye contact. A professional, maybe? I thought. Attentive to my foot needs? I wondered. Either way it didn’t bother me. I was alternating between trying to read something called Country Living Magazine and trying to find new ways to move down farther in the massage chair. I was totally living the ‘pamper me’ lifestyle. Not nearly as interested if this face near crotch might be unpleasant for this guy as I was interested in trying to find the sweet spot on the cheap massage chair. I was in it for me.... and I know that’s kind of inconsiderate, but damn it, that’s what ‘luxury’ expenses are all about, right? The customer’s ultimate satisfaction…

When I got home, I discovered the pants I was wearing had a wardrobe malfunction. The seam that runs from the bottom of the zipper to the back waist of the pants had about a 3 inch area of missing thread. In other words, there was a split from the base of the zipper to about hole. And there I was, spreading this gap even larger, in this dude’s FACE. I guess mortified is an appropriate description of my reaction.

When I told my BFF about it, she said, “At least you were wearing underwear! You WERE wearing underwear, right?” And I said, “Yes. it was a week day.” “Thank God!”

Yes. Thank God indeed. 

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