Asshole List 2

Periodically, well, once before, I like to publish a list of things that make you an asshole. If you look at these items and they sound like YOU, then you pretty much know where you stand in this world- somewhere above the knee, below the waist, and between the cheeks. I encourage you to add to the list in the comments section. If you dare you can tell us how many of these characteristics you possess.

1. If you seriously refer to yourself as a ‘connoisseur’ of something you’re a total dick wad, unless YOU REALLY ARE A CONNOISSEUR. I’ll use Killer as the non-asshole example. He will refer to himself as a beer connoisseur, but he’s actually been to brew school and has studied the art of making beer. He has a tiny mug-shaped diploma and everything. The dude a couple of cubicles down who announces that he is a coffee connoisseur, and means it, is simply an a-hole.

2. If you’re a boss but you don’t have the balls to disagree with your supervisor and your employees suffer because of it, put on your big ass hat before going into work. Seriously. Just announce to the world that you don’t have a pair and end the guessing game.

3. If you’re my neighbor and make some snide comments because there is a TINY tire rut in my grass, you’re an asshole that needs a hobby. One night a few weeks ago I was trying to outrun what I assume was either an undercover cop or a serial killer and I took a hard left into the driveway. I missed a little. So? It’s my fucking yard. To have you critique it to me is uncivilized and none of your business.

You know, I’ve been attempting to outrun several people lately… I wonder what the hell I’m thinking sometimes.

4. This is a story that exemplifies being an asshole. The characteristics this highlights are nosy, intrusive, holier than thou, and shriveled twat:

A girl friend of mine was invited to a Superbowl party. She and her husband were the only two there that were not members of the same Sunday School as the rest of the gang. All of the women had migrated to the kitchen and the men were in the den, watching the game. During the first quarter a shriveled prune walked out of the kitchen and said, “Paula, don’t you think you need to come in the kitchen with the rest of the women?”

Paula said, “No thanks. I’m enjoying the game.”

“But Paula, you really should come join us in the kitchen.”

“No. I want to watch the game.”

Shriveled prune: “Well that’s VERY inappropriate!” (Imagine exaggerated indignation)

At half time, shriveled prune re-entered the den and said, “We’re cutting this off!” cut off the television and proceeded to begin a Sunday School lesson. Index cards were passed out and guests were asked to write on the cards “The Super Bowl of my life is...”

It’s not even shriveled prune’s house.

ASSHOLE!

5. I don’t think work is the right place to talk about lactation. Sorry. It’s not that I’m anti-lactation, it’s just that I couldn’t care less about almost any other topic in the world. Especially when it’s a man talking about it. And not in a funny- Look! there’s milk all over your shirt. What the fuck? Are you lactating? kind of way, but in a serious, I’m sensitive and I’m connecting to you women kind of way. OMG. I’d rather have my damn appendix explode than listen to that shit. A double S HOLE.

6. Women thinking they look cute in a hat is ok. I mean, have you ever seen ME in a hat? Adorable. But women who talk about how cute they are in hats and then model them at work should experience tragic and painful death by scalping.

7. If you’re a massuse, and I’m getting an hour long massage, you DO NOT get to count the 10 minutes YOU made me spend filling out some stupid form, getting naked on the table, and then ‘consulting about my areas of focus’ as part of MY time. You should tell me to arrive 10 minutes early so that the rubbing can begin on schedule. When I’m paying $80 for an hour’s worth of anything, I want it to be 60 god damn minutes, not 47.

8. If you spend the night at someone else’s house, the least you can do it pick up after yourself. I mean, at LEAST pick up your wet towel and either hang it up or throw it in the laundry room. Don’t leave it soggy and leaking next to the pubic hair you left on the floor. God. I’m instituting a ban immediately.

I think that about covers the issues I feel most pressing today. If you like this kind of post, don’t worry. There will be more to come. No matter how hard I try, I keep discovering new asshole behaviors all around me.

Tuesday is Never Super in Mississippi

Well, the majority of states got to vote for their choice of candidates yesterday, but not Mississippi.  Why do we always have to be last?  The only thing we get to be first in is Obesity.  I mean, it’s sucks to be thought of as “the fattest state” but it feels good to be number one, for a change. 

Suck on THAT Texas!  Take your skinny, cowboy hat wearing ass back to the Mexican restaurant and try again next year. 

I want Mississippi to get so fat we start hanging over into our neighboring states.  I want Alabama and Louisiana to feel like they are on a sixteen hour flight with a 400 pound man sitting between them, eating free peanuts and hogging the arm rest.

Sorry for that digression, my mind is wandering.

Back to elections!  Did everyone who was capable get out and vote yesterday?  If you didn’t, shame on you.  Don’t you know how important this process is?  Major corporations throughout the world are needing these results to determine which candidates to purchase.  If you confuse them and they give a bunch of money to Obama, but then Clinton gets the nod, they are going to pass that cost on to you, the consumer.  I personally am tired of my gas prices going up and valuable resources going to medicaid that could be spent on saving the endangered animals.  I mean, we have an abundance of old people, but only a limited number of Mountain Pygmy Possum remaining So, if everyone would please just pick a person we can all agree on, it would be greatly appreciated. 

All my support is on the guy from Law and Order...I love that show. 

I think Mississippi is holding their primaries next Tuesday, I hope they have a buffet.  I would hate to lose valuable eating time while being forced to stand in line. 

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Fuck the Old People!  Save the Mountain Pygmy Possum!

Power to the People

Here at the People’s Democratic Republic of Killer Rants things have been great.  I can say that with pride because I have been the Despot since I founded this great land many moons ago. 

My advisory board tells me the people often refer to me as “The Father of Killer Rants” or sometimes “Killer the Magnificent”, but I pay them for their services, so they have been known to blow smoke up my despotic ass. 

I was watching Discovery Channel recently and saw that some dude named Lord Acton once said, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” This got me to thinking: A.  I should quit watching Discovery Channel because it causes me to think too much, and that often leads to a headache.  B.  I should reconsider my Despotism. 

Is my absolute power over my domain corrupting my pure heart and noble intentions?  Although I doubt the people of Killer Rants would choose any other ruler, they might appreciate the gesture.  Instead of punishing those who speak out against me, usually by subjecting them to hours of my flatulence, I should embrace the constructive criticism.  I think the people would see this as magnanimous and maybe even elevate me to God status like those ancient Egyptians.  Now THOSE guys knew how to rule.  Who would deny a deity his every whim?  If Killer the Magnificent wants his balls rubbed with fancy oils then ALL SHOULD OBEY!  If not then Killer the Merciless shall BRING DOWN HORRIFIC THUNDER UPON THEIR HEADS!  Ask Liz about the thunder I can bring.  She has thrown me out of her house many times for sharing the thunder.

These are just the inane ramblings of a great and mighty ruler, so although it is pointless and probably never going to come to fruition, I expect all my loyal subjects to heed my words and give me some credit for at least THINKING about giving them the right to choose. 

Now...Who among my people shall volunteer to pop the zits on the royal behind? 

More Blog Ninjas

As the official Co-Winner of Blog Ninja’s Mystery Topic Challenge 6, I get to choose the topic for Mystery Topic Challenge 7.  I encourage any and all to try it.  Last time was my first attempt, and I was turned on to it from Jester who won the Mystery Topic Challenge 5.

Here is the official sign up link:

Hello! I’m participating in Mystery Topic Challenge #7. The topic has been announced. If you’d like to join me, head on over to the MTC Blog to find out the topic.

The topic will be one very fitting of Killer Rants and any who enjoy reading here.  I am going to write an entry, but I am not eligible for winning again this round.  So, without me there to kick your ass, it should be an honest chance for anyone.

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If you missed the Super Bowl last night, you missed one INCREDIBLE game!  I was actually cheering for the Pats, because I work with their kicker’s Mom, but I am an alumni of Ole Miss, Eli Manning’s school, so I was pretty pumped about their win anyway. 
Hopefully this will allow Eli to take some acting lessons and get some of those fat endorsements his brother, Peyton, has been hogging.  So far, he only gets to do commercials when his brother is in them, EXCEPT for some he does with his father, Archie, that are for a large regional bank in the Southeast.  I am embedding one, and once you see how bad his acting is, you will see why he is stuck doing local spots.  If it wasn’t for his Dad, he would be doing commercials for Wacky Wayne’s Used Car Emporium.

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