You Too Can Be Skinny

There has been a lot of discussions at work recently about losing weight.  It seems to be an American past time, possibly surpassing baseball and apple pie as what represents us as a society.  Nothing screams American as much as fat people struggling to lose weight, but without eating less and exercising more.  THAT would be down right UN-American. 

As an American who has lost a significant amount of weight over the last year, using that strictly UN-American method, I feel I am pretty much an expert on this subject.  It seems most diet plans and books only speak of how you could possibly lose weight.  I want my book to only deal with the guaranteed methods of weight loss.

I am going to share with you my medically proven, guaranteed weight loss methods.  My publicist is vehemently against me listing them here.  He thinks there is no reason to purchase the diet cow, when the diet milk is being given away free on the internet.  I really more interested in helping people than getting rich off of them. 

Killer’s Official, Scientifically Proven, 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss Methods

1.  DIY Liposuction.  Why pay a “Medical Doctor” to suck out the fat?  Does it take a PhD to vacuum your floor?  Here is the equipment you will need:  Clean towels, Extra Strength Tylenol, Hot water, Exacto knife, Travel size sewing kit, and an Industrial strength Shop-Vac.  The legal department says I can’t actually give instructions on “how to give yourself liposuction”, but it isn’t brain surgery.

2.  Parasitic Intestinal Worms.  There are several variety so don’t fret over the details.  Cook your meat a little less (or not at all) and start drinking all the water from those third world countries you have grown up being warned about.  There is a reason Sally Struthers is the lone obese person in all those Feed the Children commercials...she is the only one NOT drinking the local water.

3.  Bilateral Leg Amputation.  So, you’ve gained so much weight the only way you can get up out of the house to buy another fifty pounds of bacon is in a motorized wheelchair.  It is highly unlikely that you can get to Uganda to drink the water (airplane seats are so small now a days) and you can’t even bend over to touch your toes much less pick up a shop vac (why do they put the ground SO far away?) Well, this is the plan for you.  Drive that Hover-round over to the Home Depot and pick up a chain saw.  Don’t try and save money and get a hack saw, you know that is way too much energy than you are willing to exert.  Now, chop off both of your legs.  What good are they doing you?  You have the motorized cart, and those legs probably weigh around fifty pounds a piece.  Wouldn’t you like to lose a hundred pounds?  It’s definitely a great start.

4.  Removal of that parasitic, unformed twin.  It is rare, but it does happen.  Sitting inside you right now could be fifteen pounds of a twin sibling that did not make it out of your Mom because you absorbed them.  Man, you were an over eater even in the womb!  You know how you were complaining about hearing voices a few months back?  It might have been your brother Billy from inside your abdominal cavity.  He’s probably in there with hair and teeth attached to a big lump...you could keep him in a mason jar.  It would be a great conversation piece.

5.  Cancer.  Now don’t go getting all happy because you have some mild, benign melanoma on your nose, I mean the serious, bad-ass carcinomas with lung and brain mets.  After all the chemo and radiation therapy you will have lost at least a pound in hair alone (ten pounds in body hair if you are me).  You’re appetite will be shot and you won’t be able to hold down even a sip of water.  That is a diet program that celebrities would pay good money for.  If only it didn’t lead to death.

6.  Death.  The Granddaddy of all diets.  Nothing says rapid weight loss like dying, and better yet, it stays off. 

If you can think of anymore guaranteed weight loss methods let me know in comments. 

•   Comments(23)    Posted by killer on 01/23 at 12:09 AM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon

It’s Sort of Like Rick James meets Daft Punk

Stolen from Avitable

How to Make Your Own Band:

1.  Click Here for the band name
The first article title is the name of your band.

2.  Click Here for the album title. 
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. Click Here for the album art.
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Here is mine.  As you can tell from the name, it is more of an Indie, Prog-Rock Band

Go forth and make your own.

•   Comments(7)    Posted by killer on 01/22 at 12:19 AM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon

Blog Ninja Challenge

Today I am joining on a writing challenge from the Blog Ninjas.  The topic was picked by the last challenges winner, who just so happens to be Jester.  The topic is: 

You know how you can be driving along, just minding your own business and suddenly a song will come on the radio that transports you through space and time so clearly and throughly that you miss your exit or rear end the car in front of you?

Here’s your topic: What song transports you through space and time, and where do you go?

Here is my official entry

Mushrooms and Chiclets

I don’t think the song that transported me away has a name.  I don’t even know if it is the song itself that transported me or if it is actually some sort of cosmic ripple in time, and it just happens to have a theme song. 

The song is difficult to describe.  It kind of sounds like a commercial jingle mixed with some soft elevator muzak.  There is not much percussions, but the melody is very pleasing.  Sometimes I find myself humming along to it, and yet other times the memory of it grates on my spine like nails on a chalk board.

The first time I heard the song it was simultaneous with a weird spiraling tunnel vision:  dark surroundings and twirling lights leading down to a small hole.  It lasted about thirty seconds, but that is how good that song was, it made a lasting impression. 

I woke up after the tunnel/song episode and was in a strange place.  It seemed to be a magical time in a far away land, complete with funny hairdos, strange clothes, and everyone was speaking in a odd new language.  It turned out to be Tijuana, Mexico, but in those first few moments, it was really surreal. 

I don’t know how exactly I got there.  One minute I was in Mississippi, the next in Mexico.  It was made more frustrating because I really could not get that song out of my head.  I hate having a song in my head and not being able to figure out what it is.  I tried humming a few bars to a kid selling Chiclets on the street corner, but I think he was mentally delayed, because he just kept saying, “No Hablo...buy Chiclets?” I have never liked kids.  I tried following a Mariachi band around for a few blocks to discover a different song to replace mine, but nothing could over power this tune.  I did discover however that Mariachi bands suck.

It took some time, but I managed to hitch rides all the way back to Mississippi.  My favorite ride was with a couple of hippies in an old VW bus, because they tried to help me figure out what song it was by playing along with bongos and a tambourine.  I kept telling them there were no drums in my song, but they didn’t have any other instruments.  I appreciated their efforts.  My least favorite ride was with a surly old woman driving an 18 wheeler.  She kept yelling at me to quit humming my song, but I couldn’t help myself, it was mesmerizing and stuck in my brain.  She finally put me out around El Paso, not because of the humming, but because I had gas.  Mexican food doesn’t agree with me.

Like I said, I made it back home.  I must have a pretty pathetic life because no one seemed to notice I had been gone for almost two weeks.  I only had one message on my voicemail and that was from my phone company telling me my bill was overdue and they were about to shut off my service.  I wish I could think of my song, because that would be a pretty awesome ring tone. 

I went to see my cousin who is a doctor.  I mostly wanted to hum some of my song and see if he recognized it.  He is really good at that stuff, but he was more concerned with my “blacking out”.  I tried to tell him it was not a black out, I was transported via a weird dark tunnel with swirling lights that seemed to play a really catchy muzak song.  He refused to listen to the song and therefore was of no help in the area for which it was sought . 

As I was making a annoyed exit from his office he yelled, “...and lay off the drugs, man.” But he ain’t the boss of me.  If I want to drop some shrooms and mellow out, that’s my business.  I just wish I could find out what song that was, because I would love to put it on and just get really high.

I am participating in the Blog Ninjas Mystery Topic Challenge.  If you’d like to join me, please visit Blog Ninjas today.

You can check out the above link and vote for your favorite story.  If I win I promise to provide everyone with a deep sense of satisfaction for helping me be a better person than everyone else around me.

I will add the links to the other participants as they post on the site:

Please visit the Mystery Topic Challenge Blog to view all of the other entries. Once you’ve read them all, please be sure to vote HERE in the Sidebar for your favorite.

•   Comments(12)    Posted by killer on 01/20 at 12:01 AM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon