Weight, Don’t Tell Me

I put on a pair of pants this morning that fit me this time last year. Today they were so tight I had to lay across the bed and take a deep breath to button them. I stood up awkwardly and went to the closet. They were light khaki’s- not the best color for concealing camel toe. I picked out a long shirt and black boots. I went back to the bed and bent over to put my boots on.

I think I sprained my vagina.

This got me thinking about excuses I could use to miss a few days of work. You see, I am suffering from what I believe they call the ‘burnout’. I’ve been experiencing this monthly or bi-monthly for some time now. Today it was in full swing. Tomorrow, being a day in which my arrive time at work will be 6:15 AM, doesn’t promise to be any better. Do you think I could leave work early if I told my boss that I sprained my vagina? Or is that the kind of thing you have to call from home to be able to get away with?

November’s Employee of the Month

Employee of the Month or Bribery Will Get You Everywhere.

I received a gift from one of my favorite blog world acquaintances yesterday.  The gift was from a lovely gal who is known in Blogistan as Hellohahanarf.  I would link to her, but she is a rarity, a non-blogging blog commenter. 

She travels around for her job a good bit, and she said when she saw this hat, she immediately thought of me.  Any time a girl thinks of me, it is a moment for me to relish.  Especially if it gets her thinking about my testes.  I think they might have tingled when she was thinking about them, or maybe it was just the Gold Bond Medicated powder causing the warm, glowing feeling.  Regardless, I enjoyed it.

I am including a picture of the hat.  It is an awesome gift, and I think it should be my new slogan.

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To better show my appreciation I am going to do something unheard of here at Killer Rants.  I am going to name an entity to be Employee of the Month, other than my balls, for two months in a row.

I am not sure if you actually have to be an “employee” of a organization to qualify for this monthly honor, but if so, I am willing to put her on the payroll.  Maybe Liz is willing to share some office space.

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I don’t have any actual photos of Hellohahanarf, but once, when I was at Jester’s, I did see one.

I did an artists rendering of what I saw.  I put her in a bikini, because that is how I picture her in my imagination.  I’m sure she won’t mind the artistic license I took. 

My balls were not happy about being denied their rightful place as employee of the month a second time, but I doubled up on the Gold Bond powder. 

It’s like crack for your junk.

Travel Plans and Inappropriate Punch Lines

I’m happy to announce that my company has seen fit to send me to Chicago to do a training session. I am miserable to announce that this session will be next week, when the high in Chicago is 4 degrees. The high in Mississippi yesterday was 82.

The guys around the office keep telling me how cool the team I’m going to train is.
“Aw, man. They are WILD guys!”
“You’re going to love them!”
“There are some pretty cool folks at that branch.”

Today one of the execs and I were talking about the trip and he said the same thing. “You’re going to have a blast. Chicago is such a great town and those guys are party people.” To which I inappropriately replied, “Am I going to come back pregnant?”

Silence.

“I.... uh.... I don’t know.”

With a serious expression I said, “I’ll take that as a maybe,” and moved on to the next topic.

Last week I again was with all of the execs and the VP. I’ve never been invited to an executive birthday gathering, so I didn’t know what to expect. It can be summed up with ‘awkward silence’. So, I’m talking with one of the execs- the VP is sitting beside him- and I asked, “What do you guys do when you have more than one birthday in a month? Do you each get your own cake?”

He said, “They can’t get me the cake I want. I want a Jamacian Rum Cake and they don’t make those around here.”

“Aw, I’ll make that for your birthday. You should get the cake you want. I’ll find a rum cake recipe on line and whip it right up!”

The exec said, “It’s a JAMACIAN rum cake.”

I said, “What makes it Jamacian? The rum you put in it or the pot?”

The VP audibly gasped.

Vacation is Over

Now that Killer is sending threats telling me that if I don’t start posting he’s going to rub his ball on my toothbrush, I guess I’m back- for the time being at least. I’ve been REALLY busy lately. So busy that I haven’t had a pedicure in over 3 weeks. I’m going to remedy that tonight, as tomorrow I have an important presentation where I may need to put my foot up someone’s ass. I don’t want unattractive feet to hold me back in any way.

I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf- somewhat. Over Thanksgiving break I behaved very badly and don’t think I can continue at this speed without some sort of repercussions. Repercussions as in my luck running out. When you’re calling people at 12:30 AM because you’re lost on the highway 5 minutes from your house, it may be time to settle a bit. I’m vowing not to drink more than 2 beers outside the home unless I have a chaperone. And not just any chaperone, a responsible chaperone that will remind me that a small buzz is better than a wild tear. One that will collect me when I start wandering to a table of strangers. One who will request that I act like a ‘lady’. One who will slip the bartender a 20 to cut me off after 6 drinks. But one that won’t judge me because I enjoy my libations.

I need someone like ME, before my 4th shot, to be my chaperone.

I broke the oath exactly 1 week after making it, but I’m really pleased at my results. I met Kev for after-work beers and was home by 7:00. I’m not overly excited as I’ve experienced the euphoria of “Yay me!” before when I tried to quit smoking. I do ONE thing right one time and then I convince myself that I’ve got the situation licked. It’s like the time I made these awesome ribs, so then I invited a guy over to eat ribs. The second time around they sucked. The magic was gone.

I can’t help but wonder had those ribs been more saucy if I would still be single today- looking for an acceptable escort. 

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