NaBloPoMo Weekend Final Edition

Oh glory of glories, it is Sunday.  Luckily I don’t have to go back to work until Tuesday, but Sunday’s still feel a bit urgent non the less. 

On Sundays there is always a sense of urgency.  Everything you planned on doing over the weekend is still piled up on your to do list, and now you only have a few waning hours of sunlight to get it all done. 

Read War and Peace
Cure Cancer
Get Angelina Jolie to stop adopting babies from third world countries
Do the laundry

I will admit, this is a pretty ambitious list.  I always set my goals high for the weekends.  I really should not even bother to add so much during football season, but I am a work horse, and it’s hard to cut back. 

The seemingly immpossible ones are an intricate part of my system.  I wake up on Monday mornings and have to go to work sans underwear because the monumental pile of laundry that has over flowed the hamper and now creates a fire hazard by blocking the doorway is still there.  In a taunting fashion there are probably a dozen pair of dirty underwear sitting high atop the pile.  Instead of feeling depressed about not completing my to do list I just turn on the TV and see Jolie has scooped up another stray child; this time from Djabouti.  I scoop up my unopened copy of War and Peace and use it to beat a path through the door. 

As I descend the steps I think to myself, “Well, I didn’t do the laundry, but I also failed to read War and Peace and stop Jolie’s depleting of sweat-shop labor.  If you’re going to fail; fail big.”

Besides, there is always the possibility that some of that mold growing on my dirty clothes might just hold the cure for Cancer. 

I need to research that. 

I’ll put it on next weekend’s to do list.

NaBloPoMo Weekend Final Edition

This time next weekend I will be sitting on my ass recovering from a nasty hangover, not trying to squeeze out a last minute blog post from my constipated imagination. 

BUT, until then, here is the next to last wasted weekend edition.

I actually have something to talk about. 
First:  I am in Arkansas at my Grandparents house for this Thanksgiving holiday.  A special shout out to the loins from which I originated.  They actually read this blog on a regular basis.  If I had known that sooner, I would have probably kept things a little cleaner around here.  Or at least not spent so much time talking about rashes on my testicles.  Some things are meant just for strangers on the internet, not Grandmas.

Second weekend story:  On the last few miles to my Grandparents house a crazed deer jumped out in front of my vehicle.  It was quite sudden.  I always thought to myself, when people would relate a story of hitting a deer, “why didn’t you just stop?” Well, now I know the folly of my thought process.  Those sons of bitches are fast. 

Luckily I was not in my Jeep.  Not that it couldn’t handle the punishment, but who wants to spend the entire weekend scraping tiny deer chunks off the windshield?  Instead I was in my Brother-in-Law’s big souped up 4X4 truck.  It sits up nice and high so the deer could not roll up into the windshield. 

All we saw was a brief glimpse of a deer dashing out in front of the truck, then a momentary glance of a couple of antlers (four pointer for all you hunting enthusiasts out there), then I braked, he slid off the road, and I kept on driving. 

I would have stopped, except for two reasons: 1:  I was following my Dad who did not even slow down, he was racing away (probably had to poop or something).  2.  What was I going to do?  Strangle the last few breaths of life out of him?  I know he would have loved the opportunity to take my ass to the grave with him.  I am pretty sure that damn deer was hopped up on crack anyhow.  Why else would he have jumped out in front of giant truck?

Killing that deer with the truck was strangely invigorating.  I understand the thrill of hunting now.  I am still to lazy and impatient to sit it the woods and kill Bambi’s mom, but if she were to wander out onto the freeway, I might just speed up and/or swerve into her.  Don’t get me started on what I would do to Thumper’s ass if I saw it on the roadway.

In a Recap:
The things I am Thankful for this Thanksgiving:
My Family (for hoping there was an antler sticking out of the truck’s grill as a trophy.  I appreciate that kind of sick humor)
My Brother-in-Law’s Coon-Assedness (for insisting on taking a perfectly good brand new truck and jacking it up a few inches and putting giant tires on it)
My Brother-in-Law’s Lack of Blog Reading (I haven’t told him about his truck yet, the bumper is probably going to need replacing.  LSU lost last night (he went to the game instead of coming here), he would probably break down and cry at this point.)

The Corporate Holiday Season Is Almost Over

Two down one to go. 

Every year America gets all worked up and goes on a massive money spending spree.  It is unstoppable.  It is unavoidable.  It is as American as apple pie and obesity.

It always begins in October.  Money is splurged on cheap plastic costumes that, or may not, be flame retardant.  (on a side rant:  the term flame retardant always makes me smile.  My mind connects those words with “flaming retard”; which brings a picture of an extremely empowered and proud mentally handicapped person.  Maybe with a gimp arm, but drools with sass and flair.
now, back to the original rant.)
Money is also blown on giant bags of candy.  Everyone starts buying the candy “for the kids on Halloween” the first week of October.  They will eat all this candy a few pieces at a time and have to buy a new bag “for the kids on Halloween” the second week.  Week three of October is always stressful, so a third and fourth bag “for the kids on Halloween” will need to be purchased.  Finally on October 31st, on the way home from work, a quick stop will have to be made at the local Stop N Go and a crappy bag of reject candy corns will have to be picked up to actually hand out to the kids tonight, on Halloween. 

October 31st, Halloween: 
INVESTMENT:  $200 spent on shitty costumes for the kids (which they only wore for an hour), 8 pounds of chocolate (all eaten by you), 1 pound of two year old candy corn (given out to ungrateful brats at door), and industrial strength cleaner used to remove rotten eggs from front of house (stupid kids, candy corn is great, they just need to give it a chance).
RETURN:  2 cavities, 15 pounds, and contempt for the neighborhood hooligan kids.

image

Before noon on October 31st, the run up to the next big corporate holiday is in full swing.  Great big jack o lanterns are quietly replaced with big gourds filled with vegetables and bundles of wheat and grass.  Why this is supposed to represent Thanksgiving, I don’t know.  This is a relatively peaceful build up.  You won’t even realize it is coming until the beginning of the third week of November when all of your distant, disliked, relatives start calling and inviting themselves to your house for dinner.  Suddenly you have to go buy a turkey the size of a small dog, shove old bread up it’s ass, and break out the craptastic folding chairs from the attic.  (don’t forget to cover the couch in plastic...your Great Uncle Eddy is coming, and he leaks)

The Fourth Thursday in November:  Thanksgiving:
INVESTMENT:  $300 spent on turkey and “all the fixings”, booze for all your alcoholic relatives, and a new couch.  (Great Uncle Eddy doesn’t just leak, apparently whatever it is that is leaking can eat through plastic.)
RETURN:  8 weeks of “turkey salad” sandwiches, 30 more pounds, and an emergency gall bladder surgery.  (Medical Warning:  gorging yourself apparently can lead to acute gall bladder troubles)

image

A week BEFORE Thanksgiving the decorations have already started to transform to include evergreen trees coated in lights and flashy balls (finally something I can support).  It’s Christmas time and that means an amalgamation of mythical gift givers and vague Christian traditions.  The holiday appears to stem from a celebrating Jesus’ birthday, and when he was born in a manger at the North Pole, Santa Claus showed up and gave him a sock full of crappy plastic trinkets.  That’s a simplified explanation, somewhere in there should be some reindeer, wise men and something about egg nog.
There is absolutely no hiding from this holiday.  It wraps around you like sweat on a fat guy’s balls; just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.  Otherwise civilized people will soon be beating each other senseless to get that last Tickle Me Elmo.  This holiday is paramount to teaching the next generation of American kids about capitalism and the magic of credit cards.

December 25th, Christmas:
INVESTMENT:  $1000 (at least) on gifts for your two kids, spouse, and you’re parents; who refuse to die already.  $300 spent on another extravagant feast for those ingrate relatives again. (I thought you were going to change your phone number) $3000 in legal fees for knocking out that ladies teeth at Toys R Us. 
RETURN:  20 hours a week in over time to pay off credit card bills, 20 More pounds, and 80 hours of community service for misdemeanor assault, but it was totally worth it when little Billy’s eyes lit up after he opened that Wii, even if it was splattered with blood.

image

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh Thanksgiving, we love spending time with our families.  We love over eating.  We love watching the football games you offer up in thanks.  But mostly, we love to take tryptophan induced naps.

For those of you actually reading blogs on this most special of days, I offer up only a video. 

Some might recognize it, but for those who don’t:  Adams Family Values

I was concerned about showing this clip at first because it contains Christine Baranski, and Dmarks over at Throw Away Blog is so smitten with her, he dedicates every single Friday to her.  But, I think it best sums up the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

How Long is November?!!?

I am flabbergasted that NaBloPoMo picked November to hold it’s yearly month long event.  It seems they really should have picked a more reasonable month, namely February. 

If you are going to say, “Hey, you have to post everyday for one month.” You should make more of an effort to choose the shortest month possible.  November is waayyyy too long.  I guess it could be worse, there are several that are 31.  That would have just pissed me off.

February is Black History month, but there are 24 hours in a day.  We could spare a few hours from celebrating Black History to post.  Heck, that would actually give us something more to post about.  I could regale you with all the information I know regarding that subject.  For example, Did you know that Crispus Attucks, the first casualty of the American Revolution, was black?  Well, he was.  Give me a little time and I am sure I can think of some more.  Why would you name your kid Crispus anyway?

I am also going to take time every day to pick on Liz who, as of the time this post written, is still AWOL. 

Today’s slight on AWOL Liz is: 
Without makeup, Liz looks completely different.  Not just hidden freckles different, but REALLY different.  I just so happen to have a before and after photo to show you.

WITH MAKE UP
image

WITHOUT MAKE UP
image

She should be doing Revlon commercials.

Previous Page   Next Page
 

Recent Comments

Subscribe to Killer Rants

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



Add to Technorati Favorites

Archives