SoLong NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo is officially over today.  I made it.

I better win a sweet ass prize or I am going to post every day for the next 11 months about how I WONT be doing NaBloPoMo again.  The only reason I did the thing is because I received a mass email saying, “If you join NaBloPoMo and post everyday for the month of November you will receive $5000 from Bill Gates.” It went on to explain about some crazy blog tracking program he had invented and wanted to test it out.  I really quit reading the details when I saw how much money I was going to get. 

I can’t wait to get my hands on some Bill Gates money.  As usual, I already have the money spent.

Here are my leading purchase options:

A hot tub.  I like this one, because with the rising cost of gas a log burning hot tub sounds very energy efficient.

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This is also a hot tub idea, but this one is more of a portable hot tub.  It will be great for tailgating or weddings.

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Finally a cart that meets all my needs.  Sometimes when I am driving around the mall in my Hover-round, I think, “a built in crapper would really make this perfect.”

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A house boat.  Now this one might be a bit out of my price range, but you gotta hold onto your dreams.  Maybe Liz will go in for half.

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I Want a DNA Transplant

My family is dragging me down genetically. 

My family is big people.  I have come to terms with that in my life. 

It even gave me a good excuse growing up for being a rotund individual; it wasn’t my fault, it’s genetics. 

Once I got into health care I became more aware of the other genetic traits that can be thrust upon a person.  High blood pressure, high cholesterol, joint disease, cancer, craziness, the list could go on forever.  If your parents and/or their parents have these problems, you have a good chance of developing the same medical/psycho issues.

After learning about this Darwinian handicapping I started taking inventory of what problems my parents were thrusting upon me.

Fat:  Medical Term- Obesity (one of my favorite quotes about this subject was from my BFF, Clib, who said at my Sister’s wedding, “Pound for Pound, that might be one of the biggest weddings ever.” my sister has been the most successful at fighting this, bringing shame to the family)
High Blood Pressure:  Medical Term- Hypertension (Just from my Dad, I can’t blame Maw for this one...Yet)
High Cholesterol:  Medical Term- Hyperlipidemia (Once again my Dad, can’t you lay off the deep fried bacon?)
Bad Joints:  Medical Term- Degenerative Joint Disease (Ouch, double team, both Maw and Paw Killer have shitty joints)
Skin Cancer:  Medical Term- Melanoma (Suddenly this year both my parents are reporting getting “spots removed” at the dermatologist.  And then my sister as well.  This was the final straw)
Smart Ass:  Medical Term- Contumelious Rectus (Severe disability that goes back many generations on my Mother’s side.  My Dad actually is the only nice person in my family, but I think years of abuse have jaded him.)

Sure, with extra work and effort I can avoid the Obesity and possibly the Hypertension/Hyperlipidemia combo, but the fighting of these problems will only intensive the joint trouble and Melanoma (if I jog outdoors).  Which is worse, Diabetes and a heart attack or knee replacements followed by lesion removal?

I always hoped the Smart Ass gene would be beat down by the Nice gene from my Dad, but it appears Nice is a recessive trait and it can’t really compete.  I usually end up with people thinking I am a really nice guy when they first meet me, only to have that image dashed once I start openly mocking their Member’s Only jacket and mullet (I should never have returned to Mississippi).

I guess I feel let down by my gene pool.  It is bad enough that I did not end up a rich heiress like Paris Hilton, now my family has to go and sit in the deadly sunshine eating heavily salted fried chicken. 

As if I did not suffer enough through a comfortably middle class upbringing; now every time I see them develop some new disease with strong genetic markers, instead of feeling sorry for them...I just feel sorry for me. 

Maybe I do have a little bit of Millionaire heiress in me after all.  I think I am going to start wearing mini skirts with no under garments to fulfill my destiny.

Anyone want to see my sex tape?

Liz Spotting

Glory Be, Liz has made an appearance.  Or, at least someone claiming to be named Liz has left a comment. 

It was an aloof and breezy comment that did not actually address the post at hand, but instead made reference to several older posts. 

Are one of you posting comments as Liz?  Is someone trying to toy with my emotions?

A lot of people have turned their backs to their blogs lately.  They just up and walked away like they did not have any obligation to keep the reading masses entertained.  EEK, Mist1, Greg, Fringes, etc., these are a few of the recent examples of abandonment as of late. 

Liz does not get such a luxury. 

The main reason for this is, I don’t have the ability to drive over and stalk any of those folks.  Liz, on the other hand, is within a reasonable driving distance, lives alone, and often sits outside on her front porch.  She will surely notice my vehicle parked surreptitiously across the street, two houses down, but I never claimed to be a great stalker, just a dedicated one.

I don’t even think she would have a problem with having a stalker.  As long as said stalker showed up with a six pack of beer and was quiet when the Office came on, she would probably allow them to come inside and hang out in her living room.  She is nice like that. 

It is fine for her to take advantage of my daily blogging in November, but she had better not decide to let her slacking rage out of control into December.  December is the most joyous month of the year, and I would hate to have to spend my Christmas stalking Liz in the cold.  My balls tend to shrink in the chilly night air, and I think it has been made abundantly clear how important my testicular happiness is in my grand scheme of things. 

I guess I could shove a couple of those hand warmer packets into my underwear.  I would just rub them to keep warm, but I already have a court order prohibiting that in public.  Damn antiquated social mores!

To recap:
Liz is trying to escape, but I won’t let her.
Stalking is funny, unless it’s cold outside.
My balls shrink when cold.

Hypno Tooth

Sweet Home Mississippi

Whew, I made it back to Mississippi without crushing any more wild animals with my Brother in Law’s truck.  It wasn’t for lack of trying.  I must have swerved towards three possums and what was either a large armadillo or possibly a small, frail elderly woman.  Regardless of what it was, it moved pretty quick once it saw the headlights bearing down on them. 

While in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas, a guy at a craptacular liquor store asked to see my ID.  Upon seeing it he stated, “I drove through Mississippi once; in the dark.  I feel that is the only way to see Texas or Mississippi; in the dark.” Then he smiled hugely with pride and satisfaction for belittling my home state. 

I would have thought of a super, witty comeback about his present state of residence, Arkansas, but his one tooth had me mesmerized.  It was clinging tenaciously to his gums in utter defiance to modern dental care.  I couldn’t really know for sure whether it was an actual tooth or a strange yellow tumor. 

I haven’t slept since I saw it.

The Truth Behind Liz’s Absence

As many of you have noticed, Liz has not been seen in these here parts for over two weeks.  I had tried to cover for her by pretending I also did not know, but the truth must come out.

I have been fascinated with Liz and her bizarre lifestyle for many, many years.  I started a documentary about her eight years ago.  It shows the incredible rise of the young, prodigy that was Liz, and ultimately her downfall into a world of cat flinging.

I am attaching a short clip of the documentary.  The full version will hopefully be ready in time for next years Sundance Film Festival. 

I changed her name to Eleanor to protect her when the documentary wins me a Pulitzer Prize like Al Gore.

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Recent Comments

  • mmo said

    HOW TO MAKE YOUR E-PENIS BIGGER INSIDE! smile ah a killer rant inside a killer rant website! well done sir

  • heather said

    in the odd chance that aliens haven’t kidnapped you and killer, i wanted to stop by and wish you all a good holiday season. if you can not only make it out to the other side still breathing and manage to have a little bit of fun in the process then you’ve done well. smile

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    i’m up entirely too early and damned if there isn’t the cricut infomercial on.  of course i thought of you.  and wondered if you are using that damn awesome thing!

    miss you and killer.  hope all is well with you both.

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