Killer’s Grand Hotel, Casino and Medical Center

My friend, and fellow travel nurse, Josiecat recently informed me she was working at a Medical Center that was owned and operated by the same group that runs a local Indian Casino.  She said that when she clocks in it is like a slot machine and if she wins she can get almost double her hourly rate for that shift. 

That got me to thinking.  Couldn’t you use that same gambling mentality throughout the facility? 

Allow me to paint you a picture:

Imagine you have intense abdominal pain and, after waiting the typical couple-of-days with blood shooting out of your ass (what? that’s not normal?), you decide to head in to Ye Old Emergency room.

You walk in doubled over in pain and instead of going to the little window and giving them all your information, you head to an empty slot machine that will allow you to feed in a few quarters in hopes of winning immediate medical care.  Maybe the distraction and excitement will take your mind off the long wait. 

After twenty bucks and 45 minutes, you are still no closer to getting in to see an actual Doctor.  Suddenly next to you, the little old man who had come in for chest pain, hits the Jackpot and his machine lights up and spits out a “See the Doctor NOW!!” slip.

The excitement causes him to suddenly clutch his left arm and slump over with the pull handle still in his cold grasp.  Realizing your opportunity, you reach over and snatch his winning slip and head to the triage nurse.  The guy looked friendly, he would have wanted you to have his slip.  Oh, you took his wallet as well.  He would have wanted it that way.

The triage nurse sees the winning ticket and her face lights up with excitement, “Come right back!  You’re a big winner!” She leads you to a small, shower stall size enclave with a dusty gold curtain separating it from the rest of the sickos. 

The Doctor is already waiting for you.

He begins the checkout and while listening to your stomach he mentions you have won the rare opportunity to get your whole visit for free if you can.  All you have to do is guess what your lab values will be (without going over) and you will get half off.  If you can guess what your diagnosis will be you can get 75% off.  BUT!  For a limited time only, if you can guess what object he just had to remove from the guy’s rectum down in exam room 4 you will get your ENTIRE hospital stay for FREE! 

A WATERMELON!?!?  Who could have guessed that?  Well, you missed that one, and you were way off on your lab values (200 for your Hemoglobin!?!  Don’t you know anything?) But, you did guess Lower GI Bleed for you diagnosis.  Someone was visiting WebMD a couple of days ago instead of coming to the hospital.  Well, that gets you 75% off.  Colonoscopies for EVERYONE!!!

You wake up after surgery and man, does your stomach hurt.  You call for the nurse and she walks in with a small table with three black medicine cups turned upside down on top.  She picks up two which are empty.  The third has a couple of Percocet under them.  She does some pretty impressive hand work and mixes them up.  You are Almost POSITIVE it was the middle one, but she lifts it and it is empty.  It was the left cup.  She picks up your pills and puts them back into her pocket.  “Better luck next time.  Thanks for playing.  You’ll be charged for those pills.”

After the pain becomes too unbearable you decide to break out your credit cards and try to play again.  Finally after twelve tries, $100, and accusing her of cheating you finally pick the right cup.  Those Percocets never tasted so good.

On the day you are supposed to be discharged the Doctor walks in.  He tells you he thinks he might have left his new watch inside your stomach.  He needs to get it out.  That watch was expensive and plus it can’t be good for you either.

To make it up to you he offers to take your gall bladder out while he is there, free of charge.  Consider it a “House Comp”. 

You decide to NOT have it taken out.  Life’s a gamble, and you like your odds.  If it was an expensive watch they probably used Stainless Steel anyhow.

•   Comments(6)    Posted by killer on 10/18 at 11:33 PM
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Room By Room:  Killer Rants Corporate Digs

Liz’s recent room by room blog tour of her house got me thinking.  If she can keep you rubes entertained with pics of her house, than you would REALLY be over joyed to see the shots of the new Killer Rants Corporate Headquarters. 

Lets start with the outside of our Main building.  I like to refer to it as Killer Towers.  It may look small, but it is deceptively roomy inside.  Remember, we are in Mississippi, so the local building codes may not be the same as where you are.

Once we get inside We can step into my office. 

It is still a work in progress.  I am hoping to get an exercise bike and possibly a bigger couch some time in the near future.

Then we can mosey on over to the bathroom area.  There is only room for a single bathroom, so we have a unisex one. 

I think it makes us seem modern and cutting edge, but Liz just complains about the smell all the time.  I tell her, if God didn’t want my poop to stink he wouldn’t have made Mexican food.

The stinky poop complaints are non-stop, especially since Liz’s office is located in the last stall.  I hoped to give her a more private place, but my office ended being a little larger than expected so we had to all make some sacrifices.

Liz wound up with a toilet for an office chair and I had to settle for the 42 inch flat screen in my office.

I hoped you enjoyed the tour and I hope it gives you a better understanding of the inner workings of Killer Rants.  It is not all fun and games. 

Well it is pretty fun most of the time, but Liz just won’t stop bitching about the smell in her office.  It really can get annoying.  Especially when I am trying to poop.

•   Comments(11)    Posted by killer on 10/17 at 12:55 AM
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Who Says A Bathroom Can’t Be Fun?

So, as I mentioned, I started working at a new hospital.  Did I mention that it was a Catholic hospital? 

I have noticed a few things around the hospital that give me concerns for the Catholic image.  I don’t know if you have been living in a cave for the last few years, but if you haven’t you might know a little something about the accusations being leveled against certain priests who have an affinity for touching little boys.  (I mean who doesn’t?)

As I wandered around looking for the cafeteria this sign caught my attention.  Tell me what YOU think.

Personally, I was afraid to go inside.  I did not have any little boys with me, and nothing is more embarrassing than walking into a situation unprepared. 

The Boy Scouts taught me that--before I molested them.

•   Comments(4)    Posted by killer on 10/16 at 12:02 AM
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