Time to Spice up Killer Rants
An allusion was made, by Liz, of a discussion at her party to answer the following bizarre question: “If you were a spice, what spice would you be?”
I had just walked out onto the patio when the question was tossed at me. I did not have much time to react since there was a crowd of people I did not really know, but who all knew me via Liz and the blog. I could not disappoint. I had been built up as this great and hilarious person who can make you laugh with a twitch of an eyebrow, and if that failed, I could do an incredible, impromptu puppet show using just my penis and balls. (Sort of like Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop, but with an NC-17 rating)
I am trained to think on my feet, so I reached up my ass and pulled out Coriander.
“Coriander???” was the general response.
I had hoped the whole thing would be dropped, but apparently there was some expectation of an explanation.
Shit! Why did I pick Coriander? I have only used coriander once in my life and that was in a beer recipe. (A really bad attempt at a Belgian Wit for my fellow beer nerds in the audience.)
I did the only thing I knew, I bullshitted.
“Well, I would be Coriander because Coriander is one of those spices that no one really knows anything about. When you see it in the store you might think, ‘What the hell is coriander? It looks funny.’ Then you skip over it. But, every time you come to the spice aisle at Albertson’s it is there, just waiting, so you feel sorry for it and finally after years of looking at that lonely, ugly bottle of Coriander sitting there on the shelf, you feel sorry for it. ‘Okay, today I am going to buy that coriander and take it home and give it a shot.’ You get the coriander home and no matter how much you try to get excited about it, you just can’t seem to get in the mood. Finally you just sprinkle it on some tuna salad, just to see how it tastes-- you were going to eat the tuna salad anyway, why not give the coriander a whirl? You unwrap it and fight with that annoying plastic “safety covering” (like someone is going to tamper with the coriander) and peer at it in all it’s unattractive naked glory. You start to have second thoughts and almost back out, but hell, it’s here, you’re here, you’ve had a couple glasses of wine-- just get it over with. The first bite is easy enough, it has such a small flavor you can’t even really tell it is there, and then you start to think you like it so you reach for the bottle to get more, but the safety cover is off and suddenly it shoots everywhere. It’s on the walls, the floors, your new shoes. You are disgusted, the tuna salad is tossed in the trash out of disgust. You scoop up the remaining coriander and bury it way in the back of the spice shelf and hope no one ever sees you with it.”
The crowd is stunned with silence. Then slowly and almost empathetically from a girl I just met, “I said you would be cinnamon.”
I looked at her feeling encouraged and say, “Cinnamon?!? I wish! Everyone wants to fuck cinnamon.”
A: What spice would you be?
B: What spice makes you horny?
Comments(6) 
Posted by killer on 10/03 at 12:01 AM-
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Liz’s Party
So, what do YOU use to grade a party? I personally think the number of questionable photos usually is a good indicator.
Liz’s party had all the ingredients one would find at a college party, except it contained no one under thirty.
There was eating, drinking, an argument, shots, darts, card playing and the Dirty Sanchez was given multiple times.
What!?!? Someone was given a Dirty Sanchez?
Yes, I managed to sneak up on Liz and get her good. You will be able to appreciate the pure innocence and unsuspecting look in her eyes. Then, WHAM! No One Suspects the Dirty Sanchez!
After that is when the innocence left Liz’s eyes and she became quite angry. Who would have thought such a fun loving, harmless gag like the Dirty Sanchez would flip that switch on her inner psyche and bring out the frightening dominatrix that apparently lurks within Liz.
Soon I was beaten, my clothes ripped, strange ropes with beads were wrapped around my neck and Liz was returning the Dirty Sanchez.
I gave her the Sanchez out of joviality and with the greatest respect, but she was down right abusive and kept calling me such dirty names.
I have never felt so violated.
I went home and sat in the shower for a few hours, but still feel dirty.
I can’t wait for the next party.
- Comments(7) Posted by killer on 10/02 at 12:57 AM
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