Death Before Dishonor:  Giver of Light

Continuing the series that focuses on my deceptive ways, we now shoot ahead a few months to my next job.  I was a door man at a local movie theater; Meadowbrook Cinema Six.

I really enjoyed this job, not just for the free movies, all you can eat popcorn or the really cool polyester jacket/bowtie combo, but there was never a manager for almost the entire eight months I worked there; only two “assistant managers” who made about fifty cents more an hour than me.  It was utter anarchy.

I stress almost in that last statement, because at the very end of my tenure we did finally receive a new manager, straight from the corporate office.  He immediately stated his intentions “to clean this hell hole up, and run it like a well oiled machine.” No one wanted that kind of pressure after so long a period of relative free reign and an endless supply of goobers.

One night after a rousing speech announcing the end of the unofficial door man policy of letting large groups in through the side door for half price (all proceeds to be split evenly among all the doormen), the manager retired to his office to hide from the Friday night rush. 

We were jam packed for the seven oclock showing.  It was an exceptionally busy night with the one-two punch of Boys in the Hood and Terminator 2.  I was making my rounds outside, looking for large groups to sneak in through the side door (you can’t expect us to quit cold turkey!), when I noticed the C-I-N-E-M-A lights were not lit up above the theater. 

I could not remember if they were usually lit up or not.  I am not usually very observant.  I did not want to look like an idiot and ask if they should be turned on, so I just walked back to the control room and looked for a switch to turn them on. 

There is a flaw in the system here, that is part coincidence and part poor labeling.  C-I-N-E-M-A just so happens to have six letters, and we just so happened to have six theaters (hence the name Meadowbrook Cinema 6).  In the control room are six large breaker switches, above them labeled very neatly with fancy labeling tape it says, “CINEMA LIGHTS”.  On each individual switch are the numbers 1-6.

You can see the ease in this up coming mistake, can’t you?

I proceed to flip each switch up.  I then calmly stroll out into the main lobby, out the front door to admire my handy work. 

The lights are not on. 

I come back inside confused, but already losing interest in the whole ordeal. 

Suddenly all the movie goers are filing out of the theaters into the main lobby.  Many look very perturbed.  They all come in unison and start asking, “what the hell is going on?”

After some quick questions by the manager, it comes out that the emergency flood lights have been turned on in not one, but all six theaters.  Soon the entire lobby is filled with a few hundred angry, yelling customers.  All demanding a refund.

The manager decides that he can not give EVERY one a refund, that would look really bad, especially during his first month.  As he tries to explain this point, many are growing more and more robust in their anger.

The vast majority leave in disgust, vowing to never return to this shitty theater.  Those that were diligent enough to stick it out however, got a full refund. 

I kept my mouth shut the entire time. 

Once the crowd was dispersed the manager went about trying to figure out why the theater lights had mysteriously turn on.  He was studying each theater and looking to see if any fire alarms had been pulled, he even called the fire department to see if they had received any alarms. 

In an effort to end the mystery, I still wanted to try and get some people in the side door for the nine oclock show, I walked into the control room and yelled, “Here is the problem...somebody flipped all the breakers.”

The control room quickly filled with gawking employees and the manager.  It was determined, after a round of denials from all the staff, it must be some punk kids. 

The manager decides to place a “security guard” at the door to protect it from happening again.  He would later spend a couple hundred dollars to have a special key pad entry lock on that door to prevent vandals and hooligans from wrecking business. 

He would later request to be transferred to another facility.  A facility not so over run with insolent staff and crazed punk kids turning all the lights on.

•   Comments(13)    Posted by killer on 10/29 at 08:47 PM
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Death Before Dishonor:  The Yoohoo Bandit

I am going to take this opportunity to welcome you to a new series I am putting together.  I think it will have five entries, but if I think of others, it will grow as needed.

The title of said series is, “Death Before Dishonor”.  It is going to allow me the chance to make all of you think less of me.  I know that after showing a Picture of my balls earlier this week, it can not really get much worse.

This new series is going to relate stories throughout my life that show my ability to deceive and connive in order to keep people from recognizing my stupidity or otherwise ridiculous behavior. 

This first story dates back to my Senior year in High School.  A much simpler time.  A time where I spent a good deal of my non-school moments jockeying a cash register in a convenience store across the street from the very High School I attended.  It was not the most inconspicuous of locations for such a pride-less job, but I was not very bright in those days, and I could swipe free cigarettes. 

I guess I started out on an untrustworthy note by lying about my age to obtain this vaulted position.  You have to be eighteen to sell beer, but I was only seventeen.  It’s was not an elaborate or brilliant ploy I used.  She asked how old I was and I said eighteen; she gave me my yellow and blue smock and told me to go mop the shitter.  I showed her who was smarter.

After I had been there for a few months several of my fellow employees started finding empty Yoohoo bottles in the display cooler.  Several calls were made to the distributor accusing them of shipping us empty bottles mixed in with the regular ones.  I believe accusations were thrust upon the unsuspecting delivery man as well.

Every week new methods of detection were deployed.  Every new Yoohoo shipment was thoroughly checked; the next day in the cooler, empty yoohoo bottle.  People were watching the cooler in the back of the store; still empty yoohoo bottle.  The Yoohoo was singled out and moved to a cooler closer to the counter; still empty Yoohoo bottle.  Nothing was working.

The manager was going insane.  How could some one be ballsy enough to drink an entire bottle of Yoohoo IN THE STORE and then put it back in the cooler?  How could her dedicated staff of minimum-wage minions not see them committing this atrocity?  Why Yoohoo instead of the Colt 45?

That last one I can answer first.  I was uncultured at that tender age and did not like malt liquor.

But I did love me some Yoohoo.

That’s right, in case you did not see it coming, I WAS THE YOOHOO BANDIT!

To appreciate the intricate workings of such a deception, you must first understand the finer points of a modern (at least in 1990) convenience store.  There is a reason you never see anyone putting new beverages into the cooler.  The coolers are loaded from the back.  Behind the cooler is a much larger icy-cold cooler that stores all the extra beverages.  Someone has to go into that 40 degree wonderland and put all those delicious beverages into their designated slots.  Being the youngest, newest, and only penis bearing employee, I was always forced to do that awful task.

This cold and demeaning task did have it’s advantages.  I was a portly young thing so the cold did not bother me.  I would sit in there for hours at a spell, just killing time.  After a while, sitting in a large ice box makes a growing boy thirsty.  Sitting on a couple of cases of Yoohoo is too much temptation for a growing, thirsty boy. 

But, what to do with the empty bottle?  I could not carry it out into the store.  Out of desperation I decided to load it into the front slot with the rest of the Yoohoo, but out of laziness, I forgot to go back later and pull it out from the front when the coast was clear. 

The first time it was found my coworker was bewildered but laughed it off.  That worked well enough, so I decided to do it again the next day.

The second and third times it was spotted, my coworkers were troubled and called over the manager.  You have to keep in mind that not much really goes on in a convenience store, unless you get held up, which I was...Twice.

That would begin the huge internal investigation, complete with official naming of the “Yoohoo Bandit”, strategy meetings to discuss capture, and rewards offered for the one to catch him (or her) chocolate handed.

After all that how could I be expected to stop.  It was too much fun, and I certainly could not tell them the truth.  I did not really care about getting fired.  I just did not want to be known as the weird, chubby kid who sat in the cooler drinking Yoohoo. 

I also would talk to the customers as they unsuspectingly opened the cooler to grab a drink, frightening them, but that is a different story.  Next time you reach into one of those coolers think about suddenly seeing a pimply, fat kid behind the Coke saying, “You should drink Pepsi.”

Weeks went by and to everyone’s dismay no Bandit was ever apprehended.  Suddenly the finding of empty Yoohoo bottles ended, and everyone forgot all about it. 

Have you ever gone four weeks drinking a Yoohoo every day?  It gets really old after a while. 

No one ever mentioned to the manager that now they were finding empty Mountain Dew bottles in the cooler.  We all decided it would just make her call more meetings and yell at everyone about not watching the store properly. 

•   Comments(5)    Posted by killer on 10/25 at 10:55 PM
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Employee Of The Month

Hello all you faithful readers of Killer Rants with Liz.  And an even greater welcome to all you new readers, especially everyone who is here from the Nablopomo world.  A few more days before the official Month-long-daily-posting begins.  (November)

I asked you all here today to make an announcement that has been a long time in coming. 

As usual we are going to announce the Employee of the Month here at the illustrious Killer Rants Corporation and Small Engine Repair. 

This month however there has been an upset.  We have had a domination of this honor since it was began earlier this year, but this month one person in particular has out performed, out witted and frankly, out shined both the other employees here at Killer Rants. 

Since it would be unethical for me to name myself Employee of the Month, although Lord knows I deserve it, it gives me great pleasure to present to you the October 2007, Killer Rants Corporation and Small Engine Repair’s, Employee of the Month:  Our very own....Liz!

We in upper management would like to offer our deepest congratulations, along with this five dollar gift certificate for Cat Fancy Magazine, to Liz.

Liz’s picture is also being added to the official Employee of the Month plaque that is proudly displayed in the elegant foyer of the corporate headquarters.  Also, once we get that sewage leak fixed she will be able to park in the Employee of the Month parking spot.

I am including the Employee of the Month plaque for all everyone to appreciate the honor she has earned. 

It also will give everyone an opportunity to see who it was that she beat for this position.  Can she hold on to the position next month?  Only time can tell.

Congratulations Liz!

•   Comments(14)    Posted by killer on 10/22 at 09:50 PM
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