Ritualistic

image Do you remember being a kid and having really serious rituals? Actions so linked to the cosmic universe that if you violated them you might actually die or even worse- you might lose your boyfriend or- gasp- you might never get married? There was about a two year span where rituals ruled the lives of me and my friends. Do you remember punch buggies? Lifting your feet when you were in a car going over a railroad track? Holding your breath when you went over a bridge? Walking like Otis from The Andy Griffith Show when there were cracks in the sidewalk? When I was mad at my mother, I would deliberately step on the cracks.... but I always felt really bad about it. And after, I’d pray that God really wouldn’t break my mother’s back, just pull a muscle.

This was a lot to keep up with, but these actions soon became second nature; a natural function in our early adolescent world. I’m glad I’ve now narrowed my rituals down primarily to skin care and unbuttoning my pants on Thanksgiving. I’m too old to give a shit about losing my boyfriend. Besides, it seems pretty obvious I didn’t do enough leg lifting over those railroad tracks or else I would have been married by now.

Many of my friends are married and I hear of their sex schedules. I consider this a ritual too. Every Saturday. Once on Wednesday and once on Saturday. Every Sixth Sunday. Birthdays and anniversaries. Whatever, it’s still something they file back in their minds and, no doubt, count on or else bad and horrible things may happen.

I, like all of us, do have some comfortable habits that I enjoy. For example, if I hear the songs “Wicked Game” or “More Than Words”, I smoke. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, if I have to break from the action to leave and have a cigarette, I do. I make my bed, even if it’s 11:00 and I’m about to get into it to go to sleep. I can’t stand being in an unmade bed. That’s why I’ve never really understood that saying, “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.” Okay. To me that sounds like an invitation to something wonderful, not a punishment. I have a yearly Christmas gift-wrapping Saturday where I make a gigantic mess wrapping all the gifts I’m giving that year. And I spend the night at my parent’s house on Christmas Eve, when dad makes a pot of gumbo and we open ONE present.

So what about you? What are some of your rituals, both happy and simply unshakable, that you indulge in?

What Would Killer Do?

My blogging pal, Mayren, posted an interesting query that was thrown her way.  It is meant to give the questionee an internal struggle between right and wrong, but I think it goes much deeper.

The question in question follows, and it has two parts:

Question A:

What would you do if your parents and a stranger’s baby were
held hostage at gunpoint, and you were given only two possible choices.
You could either save the baby and your parents would die
immediately, OR Punch the baby as hard as you could; knowing
that the baby would die, and in doing so - Save your parents.

So you’re only choices are to save the Parents or the baby....

What do you choose?

Question B:

What if you found out that the baby was Jesus?

You couldn’t tell by the typing, but I took a short break there to allow you to think of your answer.  If you continued on without fully committing to your answer---Stop!  Go back, you lazy bastard, and choose. 

I will now give you my answer and let the debate rage on in comments.

First:  One of my favorite answers from Mayren’s comments was the number of people who stated they did not actually like their parents, so they would not kill a baby to keep them alive.  I got the impression that a few of them would not even show up if they got a phone call about the situation in general.

Unlike these people, I love my parents very much.  They are cool people, who have done a lot for me.  That being said, I would probably not punch the baby to keep them alive.  As I mentioned, my parents are pretty cool, I would think they would be kind of pissed at me if I were to start punching, and killing, babies to set them free.  Not to mention, a lot of people who claim they would punch a small, defenseless baby to death, probably could not go through with it.  The next time you see a little kid with a doll, snatch that doll away and punch it as hard as you can.  I mean a good death-worthy blow to the face.  Even on a doll, the average person hesitates.  If you don’t, then you probably have a few psychotic anti-social tendencies already, and once you kill the baby, you would probably go ahead and kill the kidnapper, your parents and anyone else around after you realized how good it felt.  We would have to exclude you from the parent/baby death match study… maybe chalk it up to statistical anomaly. 

The second part of the question really came out of nowhere.  What the hell is baby Jesus doing here?  After all this time of waiting for the second coming, he ends up getting snatched by some lunatic, along with my parents of all people.  No offense to my folks, but I don’t think that they are going to be in the same area that Jesus chooses for a comeback. 

How are we going to know it is baby Jesus anyhow?  If I am going to start believing every person that claims to be Jesus, than I better stop shooing away that old, smelly guy who lives under the freeway offramp near my house. 

So, in a bid to skirt controversy---Since I was not going to punch the baby when it was less Holy (probably a Muslim) I would not hit it when I realized we were standing in a manger in Bethlehem.

In a last ditch effort to save my parents, without killing baby Jesus, I would just inform the lunatic kidnapper that there is a good possibility of a few guys bearing gifts showing up momentarily to see the baby.  He should wait it out and then cap those bastards instead.  Gold, Frankincense and Mir, bitches!  Gold, Frankincense and Mir! 

Travel Photos

For those who actually care:

I have posted my Philippine/Indonesia pics on my iweb site. 

Killer’s Travel Pics

American Culture on the Skids

Okay, I might just be getting old, or maybe I am not in touch with today’s urban culture, but there is a song I heard this weekend when hanging around with Bam’s fourteen year old daughter that I thought at first Weird Al Yankovich had stretched his repertoire to include Hip/Hop. 

It is called “Do Da Heizman” by a group called The Heizman Boys.  Talk about realizing you might be a one hit wonder...if you name your group after the song, you are not anticipating much of a follow up career.  Billy “Achy Breaky” Cyrus should have thought of that.

It even comes with a line dance.  I appreciate songs that come with instructions on dancing.  It takes the guess work out of my time on the dance floor. 

I am including two videos.  The first is just a static image of what appears to be a Heisman trophy (Finally the heisman gets it’s own dance!) and the words to the song.  The words are what makes it so special.  I also love the fact that they spelled all the words phonetically using Ebonics.  The second is a video of people doing the dance.  It was not easy to choose which was best.  Youtube was loaded with people submitting them and friends doing the dance. 

The large number of videos just served to remind me of how out of touch with current trends I am.  If you don’t hear from me for a few days, it is because I am learning the dance so I can impress the ladies.
Except the ladies with the “Stank Breath” I be doing da heizman on does hoes.


The Fall Gal

It’s finally perfect weather outside. God. I love Fall. I was thinking about all of the wonderful aspects of this most valuable time of year when I remembered something exceptional that contains “Fall” in the title. Do you remember when the 6 Million Dollar Man became Colt Seavers, a stunt man who was also a bounty hunter? One of the best parts of the show, nostalgically speaking, is the theme song. Please. If you remember, do yourself a favor and Google, “The Fall Guy theme song”. It will make you shake your head in shame, yet smile.

What was it about the 70’s and 80’s that made ridiculous and outlandish television cultural touchstones? CHiPS, The Land of the Lost, The Incredible Hulk, The Dukes of Hazzard, Three’s Company. If I catch a rerun of these, sometimes I’ll watch. And the shows just aren’t that good. Ok. CHiPS and The Incredible Hulk are pretty good, but Three’s Company? Come on. That show sucks. Oh, I STILL wish there was a Regal Beagle in my neighborhood, but seriously, the plots for that show? Lame. Any show with, “Nah Nah Nah Nah ay Boo” in the theme is bound to miss the mark of intellectual stimulation.

Back to Fall. Whiskey and Coke. Football. Open Windows. Cool enough to stand out by the grill. Long sleeves. Orange leaves and crisp air. There just isn’t much better than this. Right now it’s 71 degrees, which is almost my perfect temperature, and I’m about to begin my epic fall cleaning. It’s going to be a long day, but a good day.

This season always makes me think of Led Zeppelin’s Ramble On. It’s my unofficial Autumn theme. I’m going to dust off my Zep CD and get to work. That music will make cleaning see less like a chore and more like a pleasure.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

What about you? Do you have Fall rituals or memories related to this time of year that only come around when the days begin to get shorter and the humidity leaves? Do you too get a sense of Euphoria this time of year?

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