My Kind of Monkey

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This picture was taken by me.  On the forest trail leading to the underground river in Sabang, Philippines.  I love monkeys just as much as the next guy, but there is something exceptional about this monkey.  Anyone who has been to Killer Rants with Liz a few times will know immediately what it is about this particular monkey that I found so amusing. 

If I was sitting in a tree, this is the view I would hope to offer to hikers passing by.  I also would not mind photographs, but giggling would not be appreciated.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

The following is true.  The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

The evening begins with the strict game plan of going for a few quick drinks and then straight to bed.  They have been drinking too much lately and don’t intend to kill off the all important liver just yet.  They head to a small, laid back bar that they have frequented almost every night, but still don’t know the name of.  They just refer to it as “the patio” since it’s entire front wall is glass with a sliding glass door.  Too many beers are had at this location so the decision is made to go next door to a more happening joint called The Bedrock. 

The Bedrock qualifies as more happening because there are actually females at there.  The Patio, which is normally appreciated for it’s quiet and calm, seems dead and has a severe lack of members of the opposite sex.

Jimbo protests as they get up from the table at The Patio, “I thought we were going to bed early tonight.”
Jethro and Billy Bob both slam back their second shot of tequila and in unison shout, “quit being a pussy!”
Jimbo quickly realizes this night has the potential for trouble, but wanting to be a team player, heads next door with the team. 
They enter The Bedrock and are immediately shown to a table marked “reserved”.  The team settles in and begins to enjoy the band. 

The band is the usual local act.  A large band with at least three lead singers--usually one guy and two hot chicks.  The band is usually really good, but choose to cover all the really bad pop-rock and R&B hits.  (examples:  Nickleback, TLC, Rihanna, Hinder, etc.)

Enough alcohol has been enjoyed to appreciate the bands musical prowess, but ignore the poor choice in songs.  Also enough alcohol is involved that when one of the super hot lead singers dedicates a song to Jimbo he thinks she is actually into him.

Jimbo excitedly yells to the table, “Holy Fuck, that super hot singer is coming on to me!”
Jethro rolls his eyes, “Sure, I bet she never dedicates songs to random audience members.”
“Fuck you, and quit looking at my girlfriend.” Jimbo yells back while straightening his shirt collar.  “She wants me--I can tell.”

The song ends and Jimbo eagerly awaits the next dedication, but she instead points to a group of Korean men who are dressed in business suits.

Jethro looks at Jimbo with a faux stunned look, “Dude, I think those guys are making a move on your woman.”
“They are!” Jimbo screams, clutching his beer threateningly.  “It’s go time.  You got my back?”
Jethro takes a slug from his beer, “Absolutely not.”
Jimbo looks hurt and Billy Bob suddenly realizes a conversation is being held so he tosses back his most recent shot of tequila and shouts, “Who, What, are we gonna rumble?  I got your back Jimbo!  You just point to the person and I’ll commence to pounding!”
Jethro looks at Jimbo and says, “look what you’ve done now, you got Billy Bob all worked up.”

Then as Billy Bob is busy sizing up the entire population of the club for pounding when the time comes, Jimbo notices a couple of girls sitting behind Jethro, obviously checking out Jethro’s physique. 

“Yo, Jethro, don’t look now, but you got a couple of ladies checking you out.”
Jethro slyly turns in his seat and peers over at the ladies.  “I think one of them might be a dude.”
“Well, then you have one lady and one lady-boy checking you out.” Jimbo coolly replies.
“It is a well known fact that lady-boys travel in pairs, so I’m not gonna take that chance.” Jethro advises.

We continue to enjoy the band in relative peace until suddenly Jethro gets a tap on the shoulder.  It is the less suspiciously man looking one of the two girls.  She bends close to Jethro, says something into his ear and nods her head back towards her friend.  She then walks away.

Jimbo leans to Jethro and yells over the music, “What was that all about?”
Jethro looks unconcerned and says, “She says her friend wants to meet me.”
“Who the lady-boy?”
“I guess.”

Suddenly both girls are standing next to our table, the first introduces Jethro to the second girl.  Jethro gives both a cold, yet polite, reception and continues to watch the band.  Both girls giggle and walk back to their own table.

Billy Bob who has been busy drinking tequila and beer up till now, suddenly comes alive with curiosity.  “What the hell was that all about?  Who were they?  Do they want to party?  Why are you too guys sitting over here?  Are you both gay?  Did you both just come out of the fucking closet or something?  I am going over there.”

Billy Bob gets up and makes a bee-line to the girls table.  Literally a bee-line, since he is stumbling so much to make it.

Before long both girls are lead back to the table with the rest of the guys.  They all sit down.  Jimbo realizing a odd number now, decides to take this chance to beat a hasty escape and go to bed, thus leaving Billy Bob and Jethro to sort out the sex of these ladies.

At about four AM, Jimbo is awakened by Jethro entering the hotel room.  “Dude, where is Billy Bob?”
“I left him at the bar.  The last I saw him he was making out with one of those girls.”
“The one that looked like a lady-boy?”
“I think it was the other one, but I can’t be sure.”

Morning arrives and when Jimbo and Jethro wake up it is around ten AM and still no sign of Billy Bob.  Finally just before noon, Billy Bob enters the room.

“That was a late night.  Where have you been?” asked Jimbo, but afraid to hear the answer.
“I ended up going back to a room with that girl.” Billy Bob sheepishly answered. 
“Did you have sex?”
“No, we made out for awhile--we got close but she wouldn’t take off her panties.  Why do you think that is?”

Jimbo and Jethro both start laughing and look at each other.  “Probably because she had a penis in there.”
Billy Bob looked shocked, “Dude, that’s not funny.  She had tits.”
Jethro still rolling around his bed in laughter, “I hear you can get those pretty cheap over here.”
Billy Bob becoming more alarmed, “No way, I am pretty sure she was all woman.”
“Pretty Sure!?!” Jimbo shouted.  “Isn’t that something you should be positive about.”
Billy Bob becoming irritated, “You know what I mean.  She was NOT a dude.  I think I would have noticed a bulge in her panties.”
“Not if she tucked it between her legs.  Here let me show you.” Jethro said as he stood up.
“Dude, get your hand out of your underwear.  I am not having this discussion anymore.  She was 100% woman.”

Jethro and Jimbo would continue laughing and making fun of Billy Bob until he finally goes into the shower.  Once Billy Bob finally comes out more ribbing begins.

“So, what time did HE leave this morning.” Jethro asks.
“About nine....HEY!  I told you He was a SHE!  Now fuck off!”

Billy Bob still stands by his claim that she was a female, and she probably was, but that does not mean that he won’t be given shit about it for the rest of his life.

Caulk it Up To Inexperience

Being a single woman who does not have an interest in power tools, I try to avoid home improvement projects done by Liz. I’ve painted rooms before, I’ve fixed leaky sinks, and I’ve stopped toilets from running. But usually when a project is larger than a quick jiggle of the handle can mend, I call for backup.

I thought caulking would be a really easy project. I was wrong. Apparently you are supposed to actually remove all of the old caulk before you begin your project. I thought this was more of a “suggestion”, like redlights at 2 AM. What I found is that the old caulking was done by a person with equal limitations in her caulking skills. Now not only does my job look like shit, but it’s on top of caulk of a slightly different color that looks like shit too.

Caulking is messy. I ruined my nails doing this. I have caulk in my hair and will occasionally discover there is a tiny bit of caulk in my mouth. The bathroom is a disaster. Is this because of some genetic disposition to not having caulking DNA or is this simply a dysfunction brought upon by not following directions and lacking patience with something referred to as “proper beading”?

I’m compiling a Honey Do list, even though there currently is no Honey to Do. It’s sort of my “prerequisites”. This is what I have so far:

1. Mowing and yard maintenance skills
2. Interest in sports
3. Advocate of “girls night out”, even when it involves other guys
4. Ability to overlook hoarding problem
5. Trash days committed to memory
6. On point with loading and unloading dishwasher as needed
7. Values a clean car… well, let me rephrase… cleans my car
8. Caulks

In return I’m willing to make sure the house is well decorated and that I empty my ashtray when it gets full. I’ll also keep beer in the fridge at all times and occasionally cook. And sleep naked. I’ll have a pen and paper handy when ever he needs to make out his Home Depot list. And I’ll let him sleep on the couch any time he wants.

That’s not too much to expect, is it?

There’s No Place Like Home

I have an unnecessary trepidation about moving out of Mississippi. It’s not uncommon- lots of people stay in their home states forever. But shouldn’t I be living a jet-setting lifestyle? Surrounded by art and bombarded with an array of international cultures? Shouldn’t I at least have the potential to date a man who wears a suit everyday and walks to his office? Or be having an affair with a well-known and incredibly wealthy writer? I’d like having a corner market and a neighborhood pub right outside my front door. These things are currently unavailable in my area of Mississippi.

My fear of leaving makes me confront a brutal possibility- that I’m kind of a wus. That’s not cool.

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I have many friends who have left. What’s strange is that most of them, although glad they don’t live in Mississippi anymore, comment on how you’ll never find friends like the friends you have here. This is a good comment, not sarcastic or a statement that is intended to place Mississippi people in an “unwanted” or “too weird to talk about” category. I live in the world of Mississippi that doesn’t get publicity; the corner where people are educated, genuine, honest, and loyal to each other. With these people, “back stabbing” is something you see on TV, not a goal to be accomplished. My friends chip in to help when one of us needs it, delight each other with a sharp wit and quick comebacks, and spend a lot of time talking about things other than Paris Hilton or themselves. When the ex-pats talk about their new homes and their new friends, it’s never with the same fondness that they use when they talk about the people they have left behind.

Mississippi isn’t full of the “simple” pleasures- some of the pleasures are quite complicated. So are the problems. I am somewhat willing to leave a place where people pronounce “credit” like “credick” and “Wal Mart” like “Wal Marts” in order to find another middle class to enjoy. I’d like to no longer live in a place that ranks last in everything good and first in everything bad. But yet, there’s no place like home. The thought of leaving my friends and even my family so far away is scary to me. The idea of starting over is uncomfortable. Yet.... I don’t know.... every year I am becoming more tempted.

Part of the reason I’m still here is that I don’t know where else I would go. I’m not dying to go any one place. I’ve thought about Nashville, because I’ve always liked that town and I’d get to see Richard more. It’s not too far from home. It’s urban yet still manageable. But if I’m going to move, I wonder if that’s enough of a change. What city has what I’m looking for?

It seems a lot of Mississippians, myself included, want to go to North Carolina. You have mountains (my favorite) and beaches, city and country, all together in one spot. I think part of my fear is going alone. Yet, I think if I went with someone else, I would eventaully wish I didn’t have the baggage of having him come with me.

I want to live somewhere with low crime, lots of activity, and a reasonable cost of living. I’ve also considered Oregon, even though I’ve never visited. The geography is wonderful. But I’m so social. I am afraid of going through that painful time of having no friends to mix cocktails with or play cards with. I dread moving- alone- which is a bitch- and not knowing how to get anywhere. I don’t want to wonder about the multitude of unknowns.

I guess, that for the time being, I’ll stay put. But I’m going to start thinking and preparing myself for the next turn in the road. We’ll see if it puts me in a place where I walk out of my door and the air smells like change. 

Philippine Travel Wrap Up

Jet Lag Is A Bitch

Shit Yeah!  Back in good ole US of A! 

I made it home after a quick 26 hour travel ordeal.  Manila to Nagoya to Detroit to Jackson--man I love layovers.  I did dive into a huge American style cheeseburger the second the plane landed in Detroit.  I was glad to eat a meal that did not revolve around a mound of steamed rice.

There are good and bad points to returning to America.  The food is better, no one stares at me like I am the Sasquatch, and I can drink tap water, but the bad points are:  I eventually will have to go back to work, I can’t drink a dozen beers in a bar for $6, and no one has offered to marry me for two whole days. 

We did meet a lot of cool people, try new foods and gain a whole new appreciation for enforcement of traffic laws.  I would recommend the Philippines as a travel destination, but you should realize it will not be what you are used to, and that is not a bad thing. 

It did not necessarily lend itself to mine and Chad’s typical travel style:  Land and Plan as you go.  We ended up skipping a couple of areas we wanted to visit due to missing the last flight out and an unwillingness to sit on crappy local buses for 12-16 hours.  It’s not just the lack of air-con that makes these buses unappealing, the frequent use of them to move everything from furniture to livestock along with a full load of humans can make comfort an unattainable feat.  We were going to take one for a few hours but then, after watching them load an entire house of furniture inside and then strap a live pig to the roof, we decided to spend the extra thirty bucks to get a private van. 

I have been slowly attempting to catch up on the blog reading I missed while abroad.  Luckily many of my fellow writers also seemed to have taken a bit of a break, so I am not so far behind.  Commenting has been down apparently as well, so it seems most people are taking the summer off, except those who don’t have anything better to do...like Liz.

Actually Liz has stepped up to the plate exceedingly well.  She posted much more than usual and only emailed our site designer and tech support guru Jester a half dozen times.  I would like everyone to take a moment and give a much deserve round of applause to her.  Thank you, thank you very much.

Hopefully I will be back to regular posting tomorrow.  Or maybe i can convince Liz that I am needed on some urgent matter in a far away place and get her to keep doing all the work.  Maybe an urgent need for qualified enema experts in Djibouti.  It’s so crazy it just might work.

I have attached a few of the SCUBA pics I promised.  I am still sorting through the pics and will have all of them up on my travel pic site ASAP.

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