I Own This Blog, Baby

And on my blog, I will pay homage to my cat, Leon.
And I will show pictures of adorable kittens:

And I’m making some new rules:

The law has been laid. Or would it be lain? Or maybe lied? Either way, you get the point. There is a new sheriff in town and she likes kittens and finds intentional farting to be disgusting. She also feels like shit today and stayed home from work to avoid facing office drudgery.

I have a new thing to add to my pet peeve list. People who come to work sick are assholes. I don’t know how the perception that real committed employees drag themselves to the job no matter what ever got started. It’s ridiculous. I missed a day and a half last week too, and I’d like to say, “you’re welcome” to all my cubicle mates. I could have gone to work today and felt like shit and accomplished nothing but spreading my disease among the general population. I might should have even considered this, since I did miss last week and returned to comments like, “Oh. You were sick huh?” Just because I didn’t require hospitalization doesn’t mean that I felt like coming in and listening to some asshole talk about ‘organizational objectives’ or ‘synergy’. And I don’t understand why they didn’t have a cake and large banner waiting for me when I returned. At least a thank you card for considering them in my decision to stay home.

If I could do virtual office, I probably could have worked today. I’m not so ill that I’m immobile. I’m able to function, just not happily. I even went to the grocery store earlier and picked up some cold and flu medication and orange juice. So if I could have worked from the house, I would have. Instead, because working from home isn’t an option for me but IS an option for one of my co-workers who does my exact job, I’m totally off work today.

Maybe I should be thanking them.

You read correctly. I have a co-worker who does my exact job and who gets to work from home one day a week. As always, I like what I do, I like where I work, and I make a salary that I can comfortably live with. The positives of my work life far out weigh the negatives. But this virtual office situation pisses me off. I feel so discriminated against! I’ve talked to the bosses about it and it’s a ‘tough shit’ situation. That response hasn’t really helped me move forward in my quest to get over this. I know this must seem minor to you, but this situation reeks of injustice and I can’t let go of how angry the issue makes me. This has gone on for nearly a year and I’m still fit to be tied over it! I know. Move on.

I have a friend in Nashville who gets to work from home whenever he wants to. He doesn’t even have to let his boss know in advance; he just does it when he feels like it. As long as he’s not required to be in the office for a training class or mandatory face-to-face, it’s his call. He loves it. That’s my dream work situation! My job requires me to be in the office at least 2 days a week, sometimes more. Can you imagine how fantastic it would be to have that kind of freedom? I would only have to iron about once a month and my water bill would go WAY down because I can tell you from experience that if I’m not leaving the house, I am probably not going to shower every day. Costs associated with gas and with lunches would go down too. My skin would be glowing because I wouldn’t gunk it up every day with makeup. Anytime you had to have a repairman out, you’d be HOME to receive him. “I can be there between 10 and 2,” would be met with, “Great! I’ll see you then!”

But for today, I’ll settle for watching reruns in my lounge pants and kicking myself for checking my office email even though I am NOT AT WORK.

•   Comments(8)    Posted by liz on 02/20 at 01:34 PM
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“Labor” and “Love” Do Not Go Hand in Hand

Much like the Wonder Twins, Killer and I work best as a team. And, as the picture shows, we share an unhealthly lust for the ‘fist bump’. It part of what makes us ‘work’.
So where is my tattooed friend? I have only spoken to Killer once since he left to return to the exciting world of Travel Nursing in late January. I think he said he was in California and I believe he said he’s working an average of 82 hours per week. This alarms me. It’s not his safety I worry about but the safety of his patients. What if YOU’RE the guy laying on the table during Killer’s eighty-first work hour of the week and you need him to be focused and committed as he inserts the catheter? Isn’t there a law about this? It should be illegal to work more than 30 hours a week, much less 82! A custodian, the post office clerk, a furniture maker, a photographer, a car salesman- no one should work 82 hours in a week; but a nurse? A nurse especially should be well rested and alert at all times.

On a positive note, I think they stick you on coma watch after you’ve put in over 70 hours, so maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Besides, I’ve know a lot of nurses and I’ve learned a couple of things about them. Half are lushes or heavily into recreational drugs and don’t let their jobs interfere with their lifestyles. I don’t have a problem with this if you are a custodian, the post office cleark, a furniture maker, a photographer or a car salesman, but I’d kind of like to think that when you’re stitching the wound, you only see on gash, not two. I also know that an alarming number of nurses are not very bright. I don’t mean ‘average’ intelligence, I mean damn close to BOX OF HAIR stupid. Because Killer isn’t a drug using alcoholic and because I personally know him to be quite bright, I think he’s operating with an acceptable level of care, even if he’s sleep deprived and unbathed… as I imagine him to be.

82 hours means that Killer is working TWICE as many hours as I work in a given week. Granted he is making three times my salary doing this, but at what cost? Three days a week I’ve given up by 2:00 and I’m just waiting for the sweet whistle of release to blow so that I can go home. I can’t imagine knowing that in a week’s time I would have 41 more hours waiting to pass before I could be off the clock. It’s not that my home life is so exciting that I salivate with anticipation, it’s just that once I’m off work, I’m on my time. Aside from sleep and a massage, this is one of the best feelings I know.

Bear in mind that Killer may be exaggerating a bit. There was a guy in high school who claimed to work 194 hours per week at Jitney Jungle Grocery. He didn’t recant until he got the furrowed brow stare. When I see Killer next month, I’ll cock an eyebrow and see if he passes the truth test.

As far as I know, Killer is unaware of my TWO DAYS IN A ROW blogathon. During this time, I can make this blog any damn thing I want to. Any suggestions? I’m committing to one more post before Sunday, and I’d love to seize this freedom before the master gets wise. 

•   Comments(5)    Posted by liz on 02/16 at 07:15 PM
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Don’t Feed Me Chocolate Then Hint That I Need to Lose Weight

I officially have my Valentine’s Day hangover. It’s not caused by alcohol it’s caused by the enormous influx of sugar dissolving in my bloodstream. I’m hooked on Lindor Truffles and this year I have started what I hope to be a long standing tradition- a bag of truffles, a corn dog, and a two-liter Coke. I know. Some of you have traditions that you feel are better than the one I hope to establish, but that’s just because society tells you that my tradition is one of a sad, lonely loser. I challenge that way of thinking! My tradition is one of absolute freedom; a tradition that doesn’t involve pantyhose and heavily scented lotion. How many women would chose February 14th to polish off a bag of Lindor’s, wash it down with a two-liter, and then make a ketchup soaked corn dog dessert? Not many. At least not many who are not already married.

I wasn’t really down on Valentine’s Day this year until a friend of mine sent a text message saying that last night he got engaged. I like this guy. He’s a cool guy. He’s a nice guy. But he proposed on Valentine’s Day? Come on. I would guess that this is the most popular day of the year, maybe besides Christmas, to present your girl with a ring and ask that she commit to you for the rest of her life, even though as you grow older both of your interests will change and you will find one day that getting married is the single greatest regret of your life. Don’t misunderstand. I comprehend the reason a man would want to get married. Now you have permission to shit with the bathroom door open and burp over breakfast. You can officially scratch your balls in front of her and not have to scratch over the pants- you’re free to dig in. You have someone who is legally obligated to bail you out of jail should the need arise. You can gain 40 pounds and if she complains, she’s being shallow and you can accuse her of alienation of affection. This gives you permission to have an affair- which you will do as soon as you lose 20 pounds. You can have children and begin your legacy; the legacy where the wife does most of the child-rearing and you find your escape through Golden Tee and cable sports channels.

And to think this chain of events all started on Valentine’s Day! How romantic.

Believe it or not, I am not anti-marriage. I’m glad people get married. I probably wouldn’t be here had my parents been realists and figured out before conceiving children that marriage sucks. Marriage has also stopped me from making some unwise choices in my life and it’s a GREAT excuse to give an ugly man who just can’t get it through his head that you do not find him attractive, but that his wife obviously does. So, I am not anti-marriage and I’m certainly pro-love. And I am a firm believer that you do not propose on Valentine’s Day. It’s been done to death and it feels like you’re just lazy and void of creativity. Pick a Tuesday that’s not close to a major holiday and don’t try to pair our engagement with my birthday so that you don’t have to remember to buy me a gift for that occasion too. Respect events like the Super Bowl as well. No one wants your engagement announcement to compete with their Super Bowl party. And don’t hide the ring in food. If you’re a guy, you probably didn’t think about sanitizing the ring before you had the chef stuff it in my shrimp cocktail. That ring has been touched and tried on by countless people. What are you trying to do? Kill me?

•   Comments(11)    Posted by liz on 02/15 at 06:13 PM
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One of my new favorite things

I feel so Oprah sharing with YOU all of MY favorite things! And, like Oprah, I now expect each of you to worship me and wet your pants when my name is mentioned.

I saw this on The Daily Show- TWICE- and still can’t get enough of it. I think this is some very funny shit.

•   Comments(4)    Posted by liz on 09/03 at 04:20 PM
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Obama? McCain? Don’t Waste Your Vote

http://www.inews3.com/topstory.php?id=4c697a7c46726f6d204b696c6c657252616e7473

•   Comments(10)    Posted by liz on 09/02 at 04:31 PM
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