Expose Deux

Do you remember around 4 months ago when I went to get a pedicure and gave the dude doing the pedi a major flash of crotch? I finally got my nerve up and went BACK to the same place (it’s RIGHT up the street) Tuesday afternoon. I felt pretty comfortable. I am almost certain the man did not recognize me. I felt secure and relaxed and enjoyed the experience.

Until I left the salon and got into my car and realized the button across my chest was undone!

I’m not kidding. This is TWICE- the only two times I’ve been to this place- that I have exposed my unmentionables to this Vietnamese guy.

Valerie says the guy is going to think I’m after him and that next time I leave the salon I’ll find a note on my car.

I said that I agreed and that the note would read “Whore, leave my husband alone”.

•   Comments(9)    Posted by liz on 06/19 at 04:35 PM
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A Common Thread

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who thinks of certain things or behaves in peculiar ways. I know I can’t be, I mean, CERTAINLY someone else…

1. Has fantasies of having all personal zits and blemishes combined into one giant Blit, probably located on the ass or back of one knee
2. Thinks that home air conditioning units should have an option of nitrous oxide. And that this should be government subsidized.
3. Believes that figs are greatly under rated
4. Knows that a cigarette COULD be made that has health benefits
5. Spends, and for years has spent, countless hours designing their dream home- with absolutely zero chance of this home ever being built or owned
6. Sometimes answers questions out loud.... when no one else is in the room. Sometimes it’s even worse. It’s like a grunt or an ‘Hummmmm’ instead of a real word
7. Pretends to have her own cooking show where profanity is the spice of choice
8. Thinks regularly of MacGyver and Magnum
9. Is actually proud of how many hours they can sleep
10. Is terrified of ostriches

Anything listed sound like you? Or am I truly alone with this one?

•   Comments(12)    Posted by liz on 06/05 at 03:25 PM
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The Search Ends Here?

Take the Religion Test at Quiz Rocket.com!
Free MySpace Quizzes & Online Quizes.

I have spent the past hour looking on line for a meaningful quiz to help me frame my religious beliefs. The first quiz told me I was a Christian, and read, “Ekk. I’m vomiting. Can you tell I’m an Atheist?” This let me know that either a very immature adult or silly teen angst created that quiz. I’m sure it’s on someone in Arizona’s Face Book page and kids between 12 and 16 are FREAKING OUT that someone’s BFF didn’t get the same score as the rest of the choir group.

I’m not one to give up easily, so I kept looking for the right fit- an adult woman on a serious quest. After continuing to search, because I know I’m not Christian in that I believe that Jesus Christ was simply a man, I discover another quiz has me categorized as an Atheist.

This isn’t correct either.

I don’t see how I can be scored as both an Atheist and a Christian within 50 minutes of taking these test!

I’m looking for a valid and thoughtful quiz that will teach me about various religions and ask probing questions. I feel like I share beliefs with some religion somewhere, but my Southern Baptist upbringing never exposed me to it. This week I have been on a mission to find a definition- to at least increase my understanding and view of what God may be. I feel like this is an important thing to have an opinion about, yet I spend very little time thinking about this topic.

I don’t believe in the power of prayer, but I do believe in the power of God. I don’t believe that Jesus came as the martyr to save our souls. I don’t believe that an ark carried 2 of every animal through a flood. I do believe Jesus was born and crucified and that a massive flood did occur on Earth. I think that Science and History are ways to discover God and I don’t think the evidence is there yet to enable us to view the story. I don’t know if there’s a heaven or a hell and I don’t know if we come back in other lives. I don’t know if demons and angels are real, or manifestations of imagination. I have a lot of questions and really weak opinions. I’d like to care. I want to know.

And I love that we have the free will to ask.

So… a little help here? Anyone know where I can go to learn more? No propaganda, no church websites, no invitations to wear a long dress and be one of 16 wives to some Texan asshole. I’m just looking for some answers while it seems to matter.

•   Comments(8)    Posted by liz on 06/04 at 05:44 PM
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Amazing Opportunity

Do you have a wonderful idea for a business that would be relatively low-cost to begin but you’re just too lazy to do it? Relinquish that idea to me and watch it get placed into action! Experience the satisfaction of having someone else, desperate to do something of value in her life, become wealthy because of your creative genius! You are guaranteed not to be hassled with any of the credit or financial reward! All you have to do to get in on the ground floor of this wonderful opportunity is submit an idea in the comments section of this post that is deemed likely to succeed. I’ll then take your idea and claim it as my own!

Act fast! I’m about to lose my mind and need to take action before the insanity becomes full blown!

Dear Blog Reader,

I remember when I was content at work; when I was happy and fulfilled and felt love for others. Those days feel like they belong to the ghost of a person I am no longer.

My personal friends still kick ass. At work, there are just asses. Although I work with two or three outstanding people, many of those with whom I most interact are less than wonderful, to put it kindly. I am having a hard time dealing with attitudes that stem from imaginary emotions and judgements for acts that weren’t committed. I can’t understand behavior at these levels and I don’t know how to connect personal dislike to business.

I know where I have failed. If you’re unappealing to me, I push you out of my personal network. I, however, try to be pleasant when we have to interact and I also try to focus on the task, not you as an ass. I think most people can’t do this and are unable to comprehend that it can be done. I think most people think that if I don’t care for them personally, they are under no obligation to do their job if I’m the one making the request. That seems idiotic to me. It’s not like I go out of my way to be rude to those I don’t care for. Actually, it’s a passive opposite. I usually don’t bother you in any way- even with ‘hellos’. No need to interact until we have to, right?

I want to give you background on what I mean by unappealing so you don’t think I’m some cold, judgemental jerk. If you are so riddled with personal problems that you want to spend all of your work day discussing those problems, that is unappealing to me. If you constantly want to complain about your job, instead of just doing your job, that is unappealing to me. If you are moving on a destructive path and refuse to take action to change directions, that is unappealing. If you seek to make others look bad because you cannot perform at the same high level that they do, that is unappealing! I was once accused of treating our office’s AA like a secretary.... can you explain that to me, please? And what the fuck is wrong with being a secretary? How is that a ‘bad’ thing? I didn’t make it bad. It doesn’t seem bad to me. I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

I’ve also run into those who harbor some sort of grudge because they have had to help with a project that I was leading and their schedules did not accommodate this project. Not my problem, my fault, or my call, but I’m still the bitch in the story, somehow. I’ve sent very nice thank you emails, I’ve been very nice on the phone, and I’ve praised the job they did. All of this has been met with coldness and even a phone being slammed down on me.

Can anyone help me understand what the hell is going on? Seriously? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

It’s enough to make me lose my love for fellow man. No wonder anteaters hate us.

•   Comments(8)    Posted by liz on 05/31 at 03:56 PM
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I Live With An Animal

I have realized something that has made me worry that I have become a stereotype.

I am a single woman and I love my cats.

You know this already. I know this already. So, what’s the revelation, you ask?

Yesterday I got disgusted and disappointed because Sneaker behaved in a rude and unacceptable manner. I didn’t speak to him for 5 hours afterward. When I did speak to him, I said things like, “You are so ghetto. You disgust me with your total disregard for the rules of civilization. Your rebellion is senseless and foul. Mister, you need your attitude put in check.” Of course he ignored me.

I think Leon, the good cat, got into a nest of young sparrows. I heard the commotion and when I was leaving for work saw a still living tiny baby bird at my doorstep. I put both cats inside and hoped for the best. When I got home yesterday, the baby was gone. Relief. Then later I discovered different dead baby in the driveway. I disposed of this bird, which is a chore I wish someone else would do, and released the cats to go outside. When I let them back in, Sneaker had a bird in his mouth.

I suspect this is the baby from the doorstep. It was half way down his throat, so there was no saving it. I tried to get the cat to cough up the bird but this did not work. Not only did it not work, but this attempt was met with fierce growling. I chased him through the house with a wad of paper towels in one hand and a grocery sack in the other. Sneaker ran under furniture. I was shaking chairs at him, frantically yelling that he release the prey, insisting that he obey my command. I grabbed him by the neck. He struggled and moaned in an unnecessarily and seriously predatory way. I opened all doors and pleaded with him to at least go outside. Every time I would check on him there was less and less of the bird visible. I was disgusted. Sneaker was behaving like an animal.

Leon got very upset at all of the commotion. He kept tracing a path around my ankles, begging me to settle down. I couldn’t. Here was this cat, Sneaker, devouring a bird as if he was starving; as if he didn’t have access to Iams cat food twice a day and treats every other night. He was aggressive in his munching. He had a look in his eyes like you see on the Discovery channel. He was ‘in the moment’ and had taken 5 steps back on the evolutionary trail.

Here is the picture I submit as evidence.
Those ARE feathers beside the animal. When Sneaker was finished, this is all that remained to be cleaned up.

Look how content and satisfied he is.

Animal.

I’m so disappointed.

•   Comments(14)    Posted by liz on 05/29 at 10:49 AM
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