Amazing Opportunity

Do you have a wonderful idea for a business that would be relatively low-cost to begin but you’re just too lazy to do it? Relinquish that idea to me and watch it get placed into action! Experience the satisfaction of having someone else, desperate to do something of value in her life, become wealthy because of your creative genius! You are guaranteed not to be hassled with any of the credit or financial reward! All you have to do to get in on the ground floor of this wonderful opportunity is submit an idea in the comments section of this post that is deemed likely to succeed. I’ll then take your idea and claim it as my own!

Act fast! I’m about to lose my mind and need to take action before the insanity becomes full blown!

Dear Blog Reader,

I remember when I was content at work; when I was happy and fulfilled and felt love for others. Those days feel like they belong to the ghost of a person I am no longer.

My personal friends still kick ass. At work, there are just asses. Although I work with two or three outstanding people, many of those with whom I most interact are less than wonderful, to put it kindly. I am having a hard time dealing with attitudes that stem from imaginary emotions and judgements for acts that weren’t committed. I can’t understand behavior at these levels and I don’t know how to connect personal dislike to business.

I know where I have failed. If you’re unappealing to me, I push you out of my personal network. I, however, try to be pleasant when we have to interact and I also try to focus on the task, not you as an ass. I think most people can’t do this and are unable to comprehend that it can be done. I think most people think that if I don’t care for them personally, they are under no obligation to do their job if I’m the one making the request. That seems idiotic to me. It’s not like I go out of my way to be rude to those I don’t care for. Actually, it’s a passive opposite. I usually don’t bother you in any way- even with ‘hellos’. No need to interact until we have to, right?

I want to give you background on what I mean by unappealing so you don’t think I’m some cold, judgemental jerk. If you are so riddled with personal problems that you want to spend all of your work day discussing those problems, that is unappealing to me. If you constantly want to complain about your job, instead of just doing your job, that is unappealing to me. If you are moving on a destructive path and refuse to take action to change directions, that is unappealing. If you seek to make others look bad because you cannot perform at the same high level that they do, that is unappealing! I was once accused of treating our office’s AA like a secretary.... can you explain that to me, please? And what the fuck is wrong with being a secretary? How is that a ‘bad’ thing? I didn’t make it bad. It doesn’t seem bad to me. I. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

I’ve also run into those who harbor some sort of grudge because they have had to help with a project that I was leading and their schedules did not accommodate this project. Not my problem, my fault, or my call, but I’m still the bitch in the story, somehow. I’ve sent very nice thank you emails, I’ve been very nice on the phone, and I’ve praised the job they did. All of this has been met with coldness and even a phone being slammed down on me.

Can anyone help me understand what the hell is going on? Seriously? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

It’s enough to make me lose my love for fellow man. No wonder anteaters hate us.

•   Comments(8)    Posted by liz on 05/31 at 03:56 PM
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I Live With An Animal

I have realized something that has made me worry that I have become a stereotype.

I am a single woman and I love my cats.

You know this already. I know this already. So, what’s the revelation, you ask?

Yesterday I got disgusted and disappointed because Sneaker behaved in a rude and unacceptable manner. I didn’t speak to him for 5 hours afterward. When I did speak to him, I said things like, “You are so ghetto. You disgust me with your total disregard for the rules of civilization. Your rebellion is senseless and foul. Mister, you need your attitude put in check.” Of course he ignored me.

I think Leon, the good cat, got into a nest of young sparrows. I heard the commotion and when I was leaving for work saw a still living tiny baby bird at my doorstep. I put both cats inside and hoped for the best. When I got home yesterday, the baby was gone. Relief. Then later I discovered different dead baby in the driveway. I disposed of this bird, which is a chore I wish someone else would do, and released the cats to go outside. When I let them back in, Sneaker had a bird in his mouth.

I suspect this is the baby from the doorstep. It was half way down his throat, so there was no saving it. I tried to get the cat to cough up the bird but this did not work. Not only did it not work, but this attempt was met with fierce growling. I chased him through the house with a wad of paper towels in one hand and a grocery sack in the other. Sneaker ran under furniture. I was shaking chairs at him, frantically yelling that he release the prey, insisting that he obey my command. I grabbed him by the neck. He struggled and moaned in an unnecessarily and seriously predatory way. I opened all doors and pleaded with him to at least go outside. Every time I would check on him there was less and less of the bird visible. I was disgusted. Sneaker was behaving like an animal.

Leon got very upset at all of the commotion. He kept tracing a path around my ankles, begging me to settle down. I couldn’t. Here was this cat, Sneaker, devouring a bird as if he was starving; as if he didn’t have access to Iams cat food twice a day and treats every other night. He was aggressive in his munching. He had a look in his eyes like you see on the Discovery channel. He was ‘in the moment’ and had taken 5 steps back on the evolutionary trail.

Here is the picture I submit as evidence.
Those ARE feathers beside the animal. When Sneaker was finished, this is all that remained to be cleaned up.

Look how content and satisfied he is.

Animal.

I’m so disappointed.

•   Comments(14)    Posted by liz on 05/29 at 10:49 AM
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What Does it Take to Get Noticed Around Here?

I try to remain somewhat anonymous on the blog. No last names, no mention of where I work, and only pictures that I have personally approved (Killer, are you reading this?). I like that the ‘man’ can’t trace me. I’m like a Bond girl. Ok. Maybe not. But if I ever need to go into wittness protection, I have a nice head start. I leave no trail.

A former boss came up recently in conversation and I was told I needed to Google him. I did. Holly fuck. He’s all over the freaking place. I, however, am no where on Google. NO WHERE.

Public Radio has done several articles on employers using Google to find out about you before they’ll hire you. WHAT? I’ve read the same thing in a magazine. Future employers searching for me will instead be lead to a woman who does quilt designs for a living and a chick who likes to post about her current mood.

This is not the Liz you have come to know and love. Nor are these women ‘Lizs’ I am eager to be confused with. I want a splashy, Hollywood, WOW to explode in the minds of my future bosses when they Google me and read the many postings. I want them to think, “How could I have gone this long and not known about Liz? I must be an idiot...” I want to skip the interviews, because Google says it all for me.

So… how do I get on this ‘Google’ and how do I prostitute it to my full advantage? I want to be the first hit that comes up and I want RAVING comments from (fictional?) newspapers, satisfied customers, glowing performance reviews.... what ever. Blogosphere- please help! And can we make this happen SOON? I’m kind of thinking about the next phase and you never know what that might mean…

•   Comments(10)    Posted by liz on 05/27 at 05:53 PM
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Worth Remembering

I’m taking a moment today to really do what you’re supposed to do on Memorial Day- Remember. We’re so fortunate to be born in a country where things like bullshit blogs can be posted without fear of retribution- except for retribution by your place of employment- and where it’s ok to be a freak or a religious conservative or a homosexual or all 3 combined. How blessed we are! Although war is hell, it seems like it’s part of the human condition. I’m grateful for the soldiers who have fought to keep our democracy in tact and would like celebrate them today.

There. The moment of reverence is over and the more shallow memorials can begin:

I’d like to remember my size 10 pants. They were good pants and I loved them. I had one pair I especially loved. They fit just right, showed the curves ahead, and allowed me to breathe without having to suck in my stomach. They were low-riders, but not so low that underwear or crack was exposed. I miss them- and I’ll probably never see another size 10 on my body again. Except in Photoshop.

A special shout out to brown hair. I used to have that. I started playing with color around 10 years ago and in that time gray has charged in and is attempting a takeover. People my age are moms and look like moms. Gray hair is my touchstone to reality. I’m one of them. Yikes.

Tequilla. I can’t do it anymore. The very smell makes my mouth water in that ‘I’m about to hurl’ kind of way but I really long for those days when 4 shots and a pack of smokes made for a great start to a long night.

Men who aren’t divorced. I will never again see the time when I can walk into a bar and know that 80% of the guys my age in that bar are single and have never been married. Now finding a mate involves a lesson in his personal history and his attempts to shed himself of his ex-wife baggage. Most of the time I’d honestly rather stay home than hear one more story about ‘her’.

The excitement of a new Indiana Jones film. This last one killed it for me. I went to see it Friday night and I have already forgotten the plot. I think it’s because I was sitting on the second row in the far right corner of the theater. I concentrated more on pore size than movie content. The nostalgia of my love for Indy keeps me from saying the movie was awful but, even if another one IS made, I won’t go see it. The same thing happened with Star Wars. I saw all 3 of the good ones then went to the theater to see the one with Jar-Jar Binks in it and I haven’t watched a Star Wars since. Lucas, quit fucking up good things.

Watching late night TV without glasses. I’ve been in contacts for almost 18 years and for the last 10 of those years have dreamed of the magic eye surgery which would allow me to see without the use of glasses or contacts. I wanted to give it several years to see if there were any side effects to Lasiks surgery and, as recently plastered on the news, for many people there is. I’m not a risk taker when it comes to my eyeballs. This means that for me, forever, Conan O’Brien will look like an oddly shaped white dot smoldering under an orange flame.

My grandma’s cooking. It fucking rocked the house and I still think of it at least once a week. It deserves special recognition because it was too awesome for words. I can’t do it- no one else can. I miss her and, equally, her outstanding food.

Not worry about money and working every fucking day. That totally deserves being memorialized. Oh, I get the weekends and a vacation every now and then, but unless I live to be 70 (unlikely) or marry wealth (even more unlikely), I will have a fucking job for the fucking rest of my fucking life. I don’t worry about money too much now, but if I didn’t have job I would. Weekends, although joyous, also leave me somewhat depressed. They’re like the 5 seconds of air they give you when you’re being waterboarded.

So that’s my list of things that I’m taking time out this Memorial Day to remember. I hope next year to be memorializing my gigantic boobs, cards that aren’t handmade, and life without HBO.

•   Comments(9)    Posted by liz on 05/26 at 01:04 PM
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Who’s the Bad Neighbor, Now?

I had a tantrum this week. A full-fledged, 4-year old blow out. During this tantrum, I used the word ‘fuck’ a couple of times, ‘asshole’, and ‘shit’. My 84-year old neighbor heard it all. I feel bad about talking such trash in front of the neighborhood Christians who were standing around. You might not know this about me, but I’ve very loud. And when I’m angry I can get super sonic loud. Combine that with my fearless use of profanity and, well, you can imagine how ugly this got.

The story is sort of funny. I know you’re on the edge of your seat wondering how a sweet, angelic woman like me could go ballistic in the neighborhood. The neighborhood that is one tiny street of well-maintained lawns and retirees. It all stems from my neighbor and his use of my property as his personal dumping ground.

My neighbor to the left is around 43. He and his boyfriend have been in the neighborhood 12 years. He is very active in the neighborhood and loathed by our neighborhood association president. They have had multiple fights concerning things like his use of the ‘public’ water hose and the height of his bushes. I stay out of that shit. I could give a rat’s ass. But this neighbor has violated MY personal space multiple times. As I think I’ve told you before, he has plugged into my exterior outlets and used my electricity as well as used my water (which he left on). This pisses me off and I have told him once to use his own stuff. Now he uses my stuff when I’m at work. This is very aggravating.

A few months ago he stored some ladders behind my house. I knew they were there, but didn’t confront him. After about a week and a half they were gone. I’m pretty sure he heard me on the phone telling my BFF that I was going to haul them to the street on trash day and this prompted their removal. The reason he uses my stuff, including my yard, is that his back yard is so overgrown and filled with trash and his garage is overflowing with trash as well. There is no room for his own stuff. I think he has a sever hoarding problem. But this is HIS problem, not mine- well, until now.

Last week I came home from a rather trying day at work to find his gutter laying behind my house. I snapped. He’s had workers in my driveway for a week- which is a necessity- and I’ve had to pick up their nails out of my driveway so I don’t end up with a flat. Already I’m on edge with this dude. So when I see that gutter laying there, all 14 feet of it, I got out of my car, grabbed it, and drug into his driveway where I threw it, walked away, came back and kicked it, and then began walking inside. My 84 year old neighbor was outside talking to another neighbor. He began to applaude. I said, “I’m so fucking tired of this asshole putting his fucking shit in my goddamn yard. What a fucking dickhead!” Then I walked BACK to the gutter and pulled it further in his driveway and kicked it AGAIN.

I was pissed.

Now it cracks me up to think of the spectacle. I mean MY GOD… what a scene!

This neighbor has recently been elected to our home owners association board. The Monday after the election, ‘someone’ (not me) called this local police and requested the home owners code enforcement department. We have one of those in my town. Can you believe that? Any way, the ‘cops’ came out and he was told to replace his roof and clean out his back yard. The roof is getting done, but the back yard remains a disaster. It’s a breeding ground of all sorts of varmints and insects. I called the cops last week and asked if they were the right people to address MY issue with this neighbor. They are. I asked them NOT to come out, because I want to talk with him first, but I do want to know what will happen to him if he doesn’t stop using my electricity, water, and lawn. My local PD is chomping at the bit for some action, so I kind of regret that I gave them my name and address. I don’t want increased police traffic and I don’t want any problems. My cats aren’t on leashes, my house needs painting, and I’m not always beer free when I’m pulling in the drive, you know? At the same time, if this motherfucker doesn’t keep his shit on his own property, I’m turning his ass in.

Ok. I feel like a jerk. But I also feel like I’m justified in being pissed off and, if needed, should take action. What do you think?

•   Comments(7)    Posted by liz on 05/18 at 11:31 AM
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