New Obsession: Big Butts

I know I am “behind” the times on this, but I have become fascinated by huge butts. I don’t mean shapely- I mean those “sit a tray on that thing and have some dinner” sized rumps. This is not a sexual attraction, it’s a “does not compute” stare down. And it all started with Lil Rounds on American Idol.

I will NOT use the term “baby’s got back"- because I am above such cliches.... but… young lady has rear! And her NAME is Lil Rounds. That’s the most ironic name she could have. Her name should be Hugh G. Rounds, or Loveme Rounds, or Biggie Rounds. Pretty much anything but “Lil” would work.

I am not shamed by this new obsession. How can this not make you stare?

And I wonder why it’s mostly women with huge, round butts. I have a friend whose sister once said that when he gains weight he gets “hippy”. Those words, in that order, make my ears perk up. “What?” HE gets hippy? How unfortunate.

When doing my Goggle Image search for this post, I found another picture of a butt you might regret looking at. I can’t help it. This is nasty, but I love when people think they are being hot, but they’re just being assholes. Huh. Assholes. What a choice word to use.

•   Comments(6)    Posted by liz on 04/26 at 08:45 AM
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Welcome, Otto!

May I introduce you to Otto Fluffybutt! Here he is, doing one of his many tricks: SLEEPING IN THE FOOD BOWL

Here you can see a second trick he has mastered, BEING SMALL

And the third and final trick for today, FLIPPING OFF LEON

As you might guess, I am smitten with this kitten! The not so great news? I think he’s a Himalayan which means MUCH hair and shedding. Himalayans also have leaky eyes (WHAT??) that have to be wiped daily and they have to be brushed 5 to 7 times a week. Uhh… Not cool. But it’s too late now. I adore him.

Leon is not taking this well. After five days, he is finally able to be near Otto without running under the bed. I can tell this adjustment won’t be easy, but come on! How can you not love THIS?

•   Comments(6)    Posted by liz on 04/21 at 08:49 AM
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One Down Cat

In memorial:
Last week I had to put Sneaker to sleep. It was time, and I am surprisingly not devastated. I think I had plenty of time to prepare for this. He’d been off for a while.

While in line to pay for the blood test that proved to be his death sentence, a woman walked in with a TWO WEEK OLD kitten. I have never seen a cat so small. It was so tiny it almost wasn’t even cute. That’s the way I feel about children. When they are brand new, they are freakishly unable to contribute anything. I have a friend who’s wife recently had a baby. I went over to see the new one and held it. She was sweet and interesting looking. Her eyes stayed closed and she made weird faces in which every muscle would scrunch up simultaneously. While I was there she cried little and pooped once. She didn’t tell any jokes, she didn’t make us any snacks, she didn’t read us a story. She just laid there- making me nervous about her soft spot.

This kitten was so helpless but in it, I see great potential for him to be adorable. I of course held it the moment the woman walked in with him. He snuggled.

I think I’ll name him Niles. Or Otto. Or Jeeves. Or Peeve.

IF I decide to take him.

I know it sounds like a forgone conclusion, but it’s not. I was able to get rid of Sneaker’s litter box, which is fantastic. And kittens can be demanding. The scratch on furniture and the have these hilarious bursts of energy. I love those bursts, but not at 2 A.M. I know one day I will get a kitten, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet. My heart is ready but it’s the rest of me I’m worried about. Little man will be ready in about a week and a half. Leon seems lonely and is getting on my nerves with his constant chatter and new found insatiable passion for swirling around my ankles. What do you think? New kitten in two weeks or will I deny it this go around?

Last night I had a dream that Ashton Krutcher was staying at my house because his roommate had kicked him out. Apparently I was forcing him to have sex with me while he was staying with me. My boss (who isn’t really my boss but rather I woman I’ve never met) got on to me at work about it and I WENT OFF. She was telling me how wrong it was of me to force this young man to sleep with me against his will. I gave a long speech about being almost 40 and him being fine and how if I were Carrie Bradshaw we wouldn’t be having this argument. I had my finger in her face, yelling articulately. In the end, I won the argument but later learned that Ashton had ASKED HER to confront me.

When did my dreams turn against me like this? This was an NBC version of the events named above, aside from extreme profanity on my end. In this dream I was humiliated and angry. I thought in dreams you got to be whatever you wanted. Do I really want to be the matriarch of the sex-slave industry? Jeez. 

•   Comments(7)    Posted by liz on 04/11 at 08:31 AM
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Wheel of Justice

I have to say, I think this is hilarious in concept and wonderful in implementation.

A friend of mine was in New Orleans this past week. She called me on the way home to tell me about THE WHEEL. The usual Crime Stoppers fee on these criminals is $1,000… not bad. But if you snitch on the thug during the week that he’s on the wheel, you get an EXTRA grand! The program has been hugely successful. To prevent friends from claiming the extra money, criminals are turning themselves in when the spin lands on them. To rob an old lady at gun point is bad enough but to deny your bro 2,000 cash? That’s just harsh.

Mississippi has casinos about an hour from my house. Last weekend a friend of mine went and checked out a new place that’s opened. 10 years ago the casinos were exciting. People got semi-dressed up to go and all the tables were full. Now when I go I see a lot of oxygen tanks being wheeled around and bloodshot eyes. I think they do shuttles from trailer parks, shot gun shacks, and nursing homes because the number of middle class people has definitely gotten smaller while the number of poor gamers is on the rise. And that myth about old people going to bed early? Not at the boats! We left at 2 AM and half the people in there at that time were over 65.

This new place has an automated roulette wheel. At first I liked it but I soon noticed that the automated wheel lacked the character of human spinner. When you get a gregarious casino worker, it can be a lot of fun. This experience, however, was a only one step above playing on your computer at home. We left the table and roamed around, played other games, and returned for a final round of roulette before going home. The SAME people were still there in the SAME spots. At least 3 hours had passed!! I enjoyed listening to these roulette pros share ‘tips’ such as, “Well, it’s after midnight, so zeros should be hittin’ a streak any minute now,” and “You’re gonna wanna play 17 right now because 25 just hit and 17 always hits right after 25.” Neither of these tips proved true, but that didn’t shake their resolve that their miss was more a freak of nature than a stupid ‘method’ to something as random as roulette.

I did notice that I’m outlived the board. I’ve always played my age as one of the numbers I place a bet on. This go around, I couldn’t do that. The board ends at 36.

Sigh.... How high does the craps table go?

•   Comments(10)    Posted by liz on 04/05 at 07:21 PM
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HGTV

I haven’t a clue what the percentage of homosexuals in American society is. 5%? 10? 30? I have no idea. I do know, however, that there appears to be a disproportionate amount of gay white men on HGTV. I’m not just talking about the designers, that’s more expected; they’re designers for Christ’s sake. I’m talking about homeowners who are having their places renovated.

From watching these shows and seeing the homes, I have deduced that gay male couples control 75% of the nation’s wealth. They always live in homes with fantastic views and they have amazing kitchens. Their art is amazing. Even their floor plans are from some upper echelon of the design world. There also seems to be some gay man obsession with Asian influences.

The most recent Designer’s Challenge episode featured a gay couple that had THREE dishwashers put in their tropical oasis kitchen. THREE.

I’m slightly tired of these shows that go into people’s homes who already have great spaces and redesign them. I always enjoy the reveal, but I like it much better when they enter a dark foreboding den with green shag on the floor and a brick fireplace that has been painted white with gold accents and they turn that into a pleasure zone. I don’t know if the people are paying for this or if the network pays for the redesign but I want in! It is my DREAM to have a carpenter and design expert come into my house and work over my kitchen and bathroom. But I don’t think I’m enough of a gay man to qualify.
What exactly does the “G” in HGTV stand for, anyway?

I used to watch ‘Extreme Makeover’ when it was on television. I always found that show amazing. People were literally being transformed and their lives were changing. Then they cut that show. I believe it was canceled because of a suicide. One woman had been selected, flown to LA, and then told her makeover had been canceled. She went home and killed herself. That is so sad and so tragic. I can understand how that might lead the producers to can the program.

So then they come out with this Extreme Makeover Home Edition. A very nice thought and a wonderful gesture.... but....

I’ve only watched it a few times, and in those few times I’ve seen some very deserving people get new homes. But, and please correct me if I’m wrong, haven’t I also seen some people who simply made some stupid choices getting totally fab houses? It’s like this psycho who just had eight babies to add to her six children. Does she deserve anything other than some mental help and the phone number of an adoption agency? I would feel differently, maybe, if she were wealthy enough to take care of 14 children without any taxpayer support or private donations- but she’s not- and therefore I keep my fingers crossed that she gets the mental help she needs. I feel some sadness for her and a lot of sadness for those kids. There is no way she can give proper physical care and emotional support to 14 children by herself. So.... does she deserve some help? Does she deserve an extreme home makeover?

Long before Costanza did it on Seinfeld, I thought about how awesome it would be to start a scholarship for B-/C students who are creative and interesting but not overly committed to high academic standards or community service. Kids who’s parents are middle-income so they don’t qualify for Pell Grants or financial aid other than straight up loans, but who do want to go to college and who do want to somehow make the world a better place.

I want to see more of this on home makeover shows. Shows that don’t pick those who are already well to do and that don’t pick those who are in their extreme predicament by being irresponsible. Trading Spaces does this, but you have to WORK and you have to a neighbor willing to go in with you as well as a partner to help do the work. Deserving Design does this but my god those people are saints. What about average Joes and Joans getting selected for the grand prize? People who work normal jobs and live in subdivisions and don’t have $25,000 for cosmetic changes in their homes? In other words, ME. How do I get Vern Yip over to my place and get some new tile laid in my kitchen?

I really need to date a carpenter for about a year…

•   Comments(20)    Posted by liz on 02/23 at 02:20 PM
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