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Emergency Room Rant part 1:  TV lies

Two...two posts in one week!  Muah, ha, ha, ha (said in Sesame Street’s “the count” speak)

I am currently working in an emergency room.  I have never done ER before, but it is not like the popular TV show.  Like the currently popular “Grey’s Anatomy”, sex and adventure are happening at break neck speeds on hospital based TV dramas.  That is not happening for me, and I for one, think this is going to lead a large portion of mislead youngsters into the medical profession who will be deeply disappointed with the cold, hard truth.

It is my goal, ney, my responsibility, to inform future ass-wipers that it is all a lie.  A clever ruse to entice a future generation of bright eyed professionals to forgo that dream of entering the fast paced world of accounts receivable, or diving into the soul satisfying career of insurance sales, and steer them towards the fecal-matter smattered health care industry. 

Despite my diligence in wearing tight, form fitting scrubs, cleverly coiffing my hair with fancy gels so that it appears like I just rolled out of bed and did NOT take the time to coif it, and giving come-hither glances to the few female doctors present, not once has it resulted in a passionate love-making session in a doctor’s lounge.  Not even a quick and dirty hand job in the broom closet.  Even when I was willing to slum it within my own ranks, my fellow nurses are not hot and horny.  Most are elderly, bitter and totally hardened by a life of manual labor.  They don’t even seem to notice when I “accidentally” let my scrub top hang open as I bend over, allowing my hairy chest and almost well formed pectoral muscles offer a fleeting glance. 

It is hard to turn on a group of women who have had to sponge bathe so many men; which is an event that the porn industry has mislead me to believe is an erotic encounter.  Believe me, people lying in bed for a few days become inexplicably more malodorous and dirty than a fat guy who just ran a marathon.  These women have also been traumatized by repeatedly coming into contact with the elusive “inny penis”.  Those of you who are comfortably ignorant might live under the assumption that only the belly button can be found in the inny or outy state, but you would be mistaken.  The more a female encounters the random “inny penis”, the more likely she is to believe they all eventually become as such, and decide not to bother with the whole endeavor. 

Heed my warning people.  The love triangles and crazy sexcapades displayed on TV hospital dramas, are not as plentiful as they portray.  I personally feel I might be in too deep to just give up now.  I will continue to flaunt my junk and walk seductively amongst the dead eyed, soulless co-workers of mine.  And when and if my time comes, and I get suddenly pulled into an empty room by two young, sexy nurses who for some unthinkable reason are wearing impossibly short nurse dresses made of latex rubber, I will know that I have been initiated into the secret under world of the health care industry. 

Three minutes after that, as I am putting my scrubs back on, I will begin the first manuscript for my new TV show.

Hello, My name is Killer, and I am a sack of shit

Okay, i have been a little bit of a slacker on the blogging frontier.  It’s pretty safe to assume by this point if you don’t have us attached to some sort of reader service, you will never know we are posting again.  We deserve that.  I know I quit checking around here a long time ago.

A quick hello to all, and a special shout out to those that would occasionally check in, sorry I never responded.  I honestly have been a bit too busy for my own good.

A special hello and massive levels of apology to two people in particular who took even greater means to stay connected, Jester and Hellohahanarf.  Both contacted me numerous times outside blogging channels and I did not do a very good job returning that courtesy.  I’m a sack of shit, and I know it.

So, as recommended by Jester a good while back: 

Killer Rants Presents:  WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

In September of 2008, probably about a month after I could no longer find the time to touch my computer, much less blog from it, I opened an Ice Cream franchise.  This seems like a simple venture, which would not take too much time, especially since I had a full time business partner, but Oh my God!  If you have never opened a small business, they are pretty time consuming.  Add to the fact we both still had full time jobs, it was pretty much 24/7 on the go.  There were many, many nights we would both be up there until 3am making ice cream, only to turn around and come back in around 9am to start back again. 
We learned a few valuable lessons along the way, the most important, Always ask forgiveness, never ask permission.  When you ask to do something ahead of time it becomes a huge red-tape-filled cluster fuck, that will inevitably wind up working against you.  Where as, if you just do what you want, the same red-tape-filled cluster fuck is used to try and rectify your mis-deeds, and then it usually ends up in your favor. 
I also learned the importance of firing teenagers.  If your work force is completely made up of minimum wage kids, you can replace them by walking outside and throwing a rock into a crowd.  The first month, there were several days I would HATE going into the shop because there were one or two kids that I absolutely hated being around.  It reminded me of bad nurses I had worked with that I would not understand how they kept their jobs.  Then one night I woke up in the middle of the night and had a sudden revelation.  “I am what is keeping this little shit bag their job!” That morning I walked in and fired my first employee.  That week we went on a rampage of employment termination.  It scared the remaining employees into shape and allowed some kids to really step up and be leaders.  I also realized that if someone seems strange in the interview, they will be strange ALL THE TIME. 
After being opened for four months, which seemed like an eternity, we were doing pretty good.  We were the number one store in our region (which consisted of 20 stores) and usually in the top 15 in the country (180 stores).  So, with absolutely no time to relax and no chance to go travel, which is all I really ever want to do, we did want any sane couple of business men would do in an economic recession.  We decided to start ANOTHER business venture. 
That is what has brought me back out to California.  I am here to make some quick, large sums of cash, in order to offer up my share of liquid capital for the next great idea.  It is not like it is a new thing, for me to work everyday.  I did it for six months before opening the previous shop, so I can handle three more months of it.  I was working everyday since August anyhow, but now I don’t get to fire the people that piss me off.  I miss the power.

I probably would not have found the time to post even this if not for Liz’s gall of posting pictures of kittens all over her half of the blog.  I honestly feel if I don’t keep an eye on here she will eventually turn into a crazy cat lady.  I have not seen her in person for almost two months now, and I bet those kitten pictures are of kittens she has at her house.  The last time I as there I only saw two full size cats, and that is all it takes to make more cats.  She claims there are both boys, but I didn’t think to check for myself.  I also didn’t check her bedroom, actually I don’t go in there because I know it is probably filled with strange sex toys, or thousands of pictures of me pinned to the walls with eerily lit candles, maybe both. 
I’m watching you Liz, and your cats.

Is it Too Much To Ask For My Spammers To Get To Know Me Better?

Who the hell is buying “replica watches” from adds stuck into blog comments?  I really want to know.  Someone must be doing it, because I continuously get about fifty comments a day caught in my spam filter from people commenting about “replica watches” and more specifically where you can buy them.  For the record, if I wouldn’t wear a REAL Rolex, why the hell would I buy a fake one? 

There is also a large number of people offering stock tips through my blog comments.  I’m not exactly Warren Buffet.  It would probably better benefit them to pick someone who actually knew how to buy a stock.  If I was to buy even a single share in a company, let’s say in McDonald’s, I would be a total jack ass about it.  I would laminate my stock, I guess they give you some sheet of paper proclaiming your owner ship, take it to the nearest McDonald’s and demand my Apple Pie be made fresh...immediately...and smile damn it!  Don’t you see I own your ass. Then I will probably laugh like some mad man while waving my laminated single share.  If I bought a couple of thousand shares...man, I would probably just move in and sleep in that giant, e-coli infested, pit of balls in the playland.

At least the plethora of Viagra, Cialis, and penis enlargement medications seem to be a valuable product and make me think the spammers are targeting me properly.  All I am asking for is a little thought in my spamming.  Don’t just throw a bunch of shit against the wall to see what sticks.  However, if I was interested in purchasing some penile enhancing or virility inducing medications, I would not be ashamed and try to get it online.  I would proudly walk into my doctor’s office and loudly proclaim, “Doc, I’m getting some action...a lot of action...so much action that I can’t get enough erectile satisfaction to keep up with it.  You had better give me some sort of magic pill to better enable me to pound out all this sweet va-jay-jay that is being tossed at me like cheap beads at Mardi Gras.” I would then take said prescription to the biggest, busiest pharmacy around, grab a 36 pack of condoms (in assorted colors), the biggest bottle of tingling lubrication available and carry it all up to the counter to fill my prescription by puffing out my chest and saying, “Guess what I’ll be doing tonight....TWICE!”

Hiatus

Okay, my posting has become more and more slack.  I am in the process of opening a new business and it is kicking my ass.  For any one who is contemplating this move...the beginning stage is very frustrating and it sucks the life out of you. 

Killer Rants w/Liz is down, but not out.

I hope to be back in the blogging mood soon, and might still post sporadically for the time being.

Plus, there is always Liz.  She is known for taking long stretches off inexplicably, so keep she might be posting regularly and it just seems to be a big break.

Please keep us in your feed reader, and if you don’t use a feed reader...how the hell do you keep up with the blogs you read?  Do you just click on them randomly everyday?  That seems very inefficient.  You should work on that.

Right now many of you have seen that I posted and came here from your feed reader to see what I deemed worthy to crawl out of my hole to blog about, only to find out I am telling you I am not going to post.  I don’t blame you for being pissed off about that.

The Perfect Date

image

I LOVE this concept.  The world is finally catching up with my ideals.  This is exactly how I like my dates, and I would be willing to pay by the pound...usually.

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