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Testees…testees…1, 2, 3

Forgive me blogosphere, for I have sinned.  It has been well over two years since my last blog post, and in that time I have packed in a LOT of poor judgement and un-blogger-like sinning.

I broke a solemn promise I made myself twelve years ago:  I moved back to Mississippi.  I had escaped after spending my impressionable youth there, and was lured back by the dream of being a small business owner.
Which brings me to my next confession: I opened a small business.  If you are contemplating this, for the love of all that is holy, DON’T DO IT!  It sucks!  Payroll, inventory, maintenance, and the teenage employees, they all monumentally suck balls.  Especially the teenage employees, I have worked since I was 12, and I don’t recall being a smarmy little shit, but I might be glossing over that part of my past.
I opened a SECOND small business:  If one small business is driving you crazy, and not making enough money to quit your full time job, what is the most logical conclusion?  If you said open a second small business, you are as poorly informed as I was.  There were other small factors around this time that made the decision to do this even stupider, but I have started blocking out these details from my subconscious, sort of like a rape victim.
I closed the Second small business due to lack of actual business:  Can you believe that if your business fails, the greedy ass bank wants it’s loan money back.  If you don’t pay it back they want you to claim bankruptcy.  Being a real Libertarian, not one of those ones you see on TV, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t pay for my own mistakes.  If the business was a success, I would frolic naked in all the money, so why shirk the responsibility of failure. 
This brings me to:  I left Mississippi again. I left to do what I do best, wander the countryside as a mercenary nurse who works ridiculous hours every week.  Instead of saving the money to travel aimlessly around the globe however, all the money is sent to those greedy bank bastards.  I think of it as a new student loan.  I learned a whole damn lot for that money.  I learned that business sucks, and I want to be able to clock out and go home at the end of the day. 
My final, and possibly most irresponsible, sin:  I quit writing and blogging and doing something creative. It doesn’t seem like much, but I need to be able to get all this crazy shit out of my head. 

I hope to be able to absolve my sins in your eyes.  I will try posting more, and vow to even get the elder statesman of Killer Rants, Liz, back into the world of blogging.  She also has had some major shake ups in her world that will undoubtedly need to be aired out in this public forum.  I am going to attempt to avoid revealing my present location, which will most likely change frequently, because working in the ER, can offer some hilarious stories. 

A very special thanks to our tech guru and web designer, Jester, who fixed all tech difficulties in order to get us up and running again.  In all fairness he also shared with me, his distasteful experience with a small business, but I ignored it.  I promise to be more open to guidance. 

Who Doesn’t Hate A Traffic Jam?

Man Pushes Would-be Jumper off bridge

The above mentioned link, though unfortunate, made me smile.  I like the guys take-charge, problem solving attitude.  I also can only tolerate a traffic jam so often.

I am just going to cut and paste the article as well, in case you are too lazy to follow the above link.

Mon May 25, 11:56 am ET

BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday.

Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

“I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests,” Lai was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.

“They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities’ attention to their appeals.”

Chen, 2 million yuan ($293,200) in debt because of a failed building project, fell 8 metres (yards) onto a partially inflated emergency air cushion and was hospitalized with wrist and back injuries. Lai was detained by police.

Chen was at least the twelfth person since early April to threaten suicide at the same spot, the Haizhu bridge in Guangzhou. But none jumped and—until Lian gave Chen a helping hand—none was pushed.

(Editing by Jerry Norton)

Could you imagine trying to drive home from work, and for the TWELFTH time, traffic is stopped at the same bridge for a jumper.  Especially on a bridge that only has a 8 meter (26 feet or about 2 stories) drop.  Lian Jiansheng is my new hero.  I wonder if he has any tshirts for sale?

Undoubtedly, This will Happen to Me, at the hands of Liz

Upon reading this article shivers ran down my spine.  I have an eerie feeling that this has come very close to happening to me at Liz’s house on numerous occasions.

Man Causing Real Stink in Motel Room Gets Stabbed
AP
Thu Apr 9, 9:00 pm ET

WACO, Texas – A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend, police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night, and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest, Anderson said.

The 35-year-old man was transported to a Waco hospital, where he was treated for what appeared to be non-life threatening injuries, Anderson said.

Jose Braule Ramirez, 33, of Houston, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, police said. He was arraigned Wednesday and was being held in the McLennan County Jail on $15,000 bond and placed on an immigration hold, according to jail records . He cannot be released, even if he posts bond, until authorities verify he is in the country legally.

A jail spokeswoman who declined to give her name said she was not allowed to release information on whether Ramirez had an attorney.

I don’t want to be inappropriate and speak of such things as flatulence in a public forum, but on rare occasions, I have been known to have some uncontrollable, and regrettable, gaseous issues at Liz’s lovely home.  No accusations are intended, but I have seen her reaching for sharp objects and giving me threatening glances.  I personally feel that I have NEVER flatulated in her home without remorse and only when completely necessary to avoid bodily discomfort. 

I certainly have never done it maliciously and upon her complaints, I have ALWAYS ceased to do so.

I for one am outraged by this lone man’s reaction to flatulence and am praying this does not become a pandemic, or mass hysterical reaction that our often too-fast-to-react society embraces.

I am going to try to get some air time on the O’Reilly Factor to try and address my concerns

ER Stories:  The One You DON’T Want to Hear

So, a late forties dude comes to the ER.  A dude in his late forties, not some skinny guy in a zoot suit with a Tommy gun.  I look on the board and it says, “Rectal bleeding”, those are always a try-to-avoided case, but when you are going down the line, sometimes you have to bite the bullet. 

I take him back to a room and ask the usual, “So, what brings you to the hospital tonight?” (At three in the morning no less.) He begins to regale me with a tale of an out of control hemorrhoid, and how this evil hemorrhoid is causing him great discomfort and making pooping a chore.  I was about to slap him around and explain Preparation H to this guy when the story took an even weirder turn.  “It was bothering me so much...I finally put a rubber band around it.”

My mind started going into overdrive trying to put those words together in a sentence that seemed reasonable.  I began trying to picture the logistics of putting a rubber band around a hemorrhoid, and then I started picturing this guy doubled over trying to look at his own rectum, then going through that weird, rubber-band technique of twisting it around a few times to get it tighter.  I think he realized my silent contemplation extending into the uncomfortable, because he suddenly blurted, “I read about hemorrhoid ligation on Web-MD.” Ohhhhhhh!  Good ol’ Web-MD.  Nothing ever goes wrong with the random information found on the internet. 

On a side rant, we get a lot of people who have massive issues following some home remedy, or self diagnosis, found on Web-MD.  I want to start a website called Web-Bank.  People will mail/wire/paypal me money and I will keep it for them, at an impressive rate of return, and when they are ready, I will send it back.  You can rest assured it is 100% reliable, because it says Bank in the title.

Back to our patient at hand, The gentleman was stating how great it was working.  Almost instant resolve of all symptoms, no itching or burning, a return to normal, satisfying poops, it was as if the heavens had parted and shined a ray of hope on to his beleaguered rectum.  Then a few days into this unorthodox home remedy, he realized, the rubber band fell off.  He said he was suddenly besieged by a flooding of blood back into the hemorrhoid, and although non-painful, it was double in size and he was afraid it would continue to grow and eventually explode, “possibly causing him to bleed to death.” Now that would be a death worthy of the Darwin Awards.

SPOILER ALERT
as in spoiling your dinner, not the story
So, I go tell the doctor on duty, and after an exceedingly inappropriate number of, “What!?!  How?!?” He finally agreed to come and see for himself.  I was relegated to holding the flashlight during this part of the exam. 
It looked like he was growing a large purple grape next to his asshole.
He was told: 

A.  Not to do that again
B.  Ligation of hemorrhoids is for internal, not external hemorrhoids, and NOT something done at home.
C.  Go sit in a hot bath this weekend as long as you can and go see your primary doctor on Monday

Proudly, he was in and out in about fifteen minutes.  Another life saved in the ER.  And, as oddly convenient as it is to this story, someone did really come up to me shortly afterward and offer me some grapes.  Luckily they were green, if they had been purple I might have puked.

Emergency Room Rant part 2:  People are idiots

As I mentioned recently, I have been working in an emergency room.  We in the industry often refer to it as the “ER”, so if I refer to it hereafter as such, it is an attempt to seem cool and industry chic.

If you have ever had the pleasure of visiting an ER, you know that there is often associated with such a visit a long and agonizing wait.  People have actually died while sitting in uncomfortable, hard plastic chairs waiting for their name to be called and their life to be saved.  Why would this happen?  Because 80% of the traffic in the ER does, by no stretch of the imagination, meet the E part of the ER name.

You can not possibly imagine how many times a person has come into the ER for “flu like symptoms”.  I absolutely LOVE the often self labeled, “flu like symptoms”, because almost always it is caused by the flu.  A completely un-curable condition that will go away on it’s own.  Take some tylenol, a cough drop, and drink a lot of fluids.  Do not come to the EMERGENCY room and demand to see a doctor.  Don’t get angry when you have to wait two hours to get in, and don’t get pissed off when it takes another hour to get your lab results back.  Even if it is some rare disease that is masking itself as “flu like symptoms” the fact that you had these symptoms for the last week, and did nothing about it, tells me you could actually wait until your regular doctor will see you. 

That also brings up the infamous ankle sprain that happened yesterday, around noon, but finally needed an ER visit at 3am.  How about the “chest pain I have had for a month, only after I eat Mexican food.” Most people don’t realize that mentioning the magic words, “Chest and Pain” will get you into the ER immediately, but it will also be followed by a whirlwind of needle filled activity, that will eventually end with a maalox and a $2000 bill.  Many times you get the frequent fliers who cry chest pain, but once in a bed state, “My chest feels much better, but my big toe is killing me.”

Inspite of my rant, I really feel sorry for the poor saps who man the ambulance.  For every nitwit that walks into the ER for a non-emergent reason, there are two that call 911.  They are usually required to transport a person to the hospital regardless of the reason for the call.  My favorite story of such comes from my travel pal and business partner Bam, who is a Fireman.  He was leading a rescue truck that was called to a residence for an emergency, when they arrived they knocked on the door and heard a man yelling to come in.  They found an elderly gentleman sitting on his toilet.  He told them that he is not in good health and he is unable to wipe himself. 
He wanted the fire department to wipe his ass.  He didn’t want to go to the hospital.  He denied any pain or distress.  He just couldn’t reach back there and get to the needed area. 
Bam told him that they would NOT wipe his ass, but they would take him to the hospital, because if he can’t wipe his ass, he isn’t fit to be home alone.  The man became angry and insisted it is the fire departments duty to help out the citizens, and he needed an ass wiping.  Bam disagreed and told the man he was going to the hospital so he could be evaluated for a care facility. 
The man suddenly managed to find the strength to wipe his own ass, and refused to go to the hospital. 
I appreciate Bam’s approach to this.  That guy would have sat in one of the ER beds probably for 12 hours while they decided what to do with him.

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