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It’s amazing how gullible Killer is. You would think he’d KNOW I was going to get even for the sleazy rider post. You would think his guard would be high; that his spider senses would be tingling. You would THINK that when I asked him to bring his laptop over to show me how to use Illustrator that he would keep an eye on that laptop; guard it with his life.

I got a computer geek friend of mine to hack into Killer’s computer while I distracted him with talk about his testicles. This was surprisingly easy to do. What we found was a little sad, a little shocking- but I can’t help but post it. Killer has provoked me. I must reply! I’m sorry to out you like this, Killer. Next time maybe you’ll think twice before giving me facial hair.

I had my friend do a lot of cutting and pasting so that I could bring you only the best pieces of Killer’s e-harmony profile and rejection letter. Thank god I know people who can help me with stuff like this!

PROFILE:

NAME: Killer Diller

LIKES: KY jelly, being spoiled, earned rashes, Aqua Net, Gold Bond powder, secrets, divas

DISLIKES: Moody bitches, toothpaste, back hair, uneven testicles, ‘that time of the month’, kittens

WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR: I am in the health-care field, looking for someone who is ready to take care of ME for a change. I desire a mate who loves to ride me piggy back, who judges me for who I am, not what I am, and who is not afraid of my third ball. I enjoy fishing as much as I enjoy fishnet and fisting. If you’re a cross between Harvey Keitel and Biggie Smalls, with the sensitivity of Daniel Day Lewis and the passion of Bobby Knight, you’re the bear I’m looking for!!! Serious inquires ONLY, although any inquiry will be considered.

DREAM DATE: Cuddling on the couch, watching Rock of Love; a Photoshop retreat; Flying Dog beer; a flying nut sandwich; Just ‘being’.

MY BUMPER STICKER READS: Matt Lauer for President! Today!

TALENTS: Driving, downloading music, text messaging

HOBBIES: Serving up Cups of Gump, smelling things

WHERE I WANT TO BE IN 5 YEARS: In your arms, in a home where my Celine Dion memorabilia can be displayed

WHAT I WANT TO BE IN 5 YEARS: A true blond web designer, with only two nads, sassy

TURN OFFS: Rejection

E-HARMONY LETTER:

image

  • I have to acknowledge the assistance of Clib, Og, and Kim, without whom none of this post would have been possible.

    By liz on 2008 04 19

  • Othurme,

    Now you have something new to jack off to. You’re welcome.

    By liz on 2008 04 19

  • From the look on his face, it looks like he gave himself a cup of gump, or as some might say - AUTO-GUMPAGE.

    By clib on 2008 04 19

  • i laughed so hard that my laptop crashed to the floor.  seems to be working alright.

    that photo was spectacular. 

    i really need a mac.  with photoshop.  and a web cam.  this was a terrific post, liz.

    By hello haha narf on 2008 04 19

  • Clib is a TRAITOR!

    I would have expected you guys to use Photoshop to make a picture of me.  That is just one that I gave Clib a few years ago with reasonable expectations of DISCRETION!

    Is it wrong for ME to be aroused by my own boobs?

    By Killer on 2008 04 19

  • Clib,

    You are responsible not only for the photo, but for ‘cup of gump’ as well. You really should start your own blog.

    Hello,

    Thanks. The writing was a little sub-par, but in my fit of rage I had to pound something out. The photo is wonderful- and I must admit I’m proud of the juvenile script across the picture.

    Killer,

    I don’t understand. I thought that you have always been aroused by your own boobs.

    By liz on 2008 04 19

  • To Killer:  This is what you get.  I actually expected her retaliation to be much more severe.  I love watching you guys fight.  But don’t feel bad.  I, too, was rejected by e-Harmony.  You can read about it here:  http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2007/10/this-was-me-once-its-ok-its-funny.html

    By Gwen on 2008 04 19

  • Killer,

    I was expecting some accusations of sedition. I am strictly a mercenary and Liz pays better. She gave me a dollar and a blumpkin for my services.

    Liz,

    Those are the only two tricks I have in my bag. A blog of my own would be a series of dissertations on dick jokes and my feeble insights into the provincial world of nursing and the funny janitors I meet… oh wait a minute, I could have a blog. Stay tuned.

    By clib on 2008 04 19

  • Gwen,

    Read it. Funny!!!

    Clib,

    What? A sarcastic comment? Maybe Killer and I should join OUR forces and post about YOU for a change....  smile

    By liz on 2008 04 19

  • clib - if they don’t both turn on you and killy you, please know that if you ever wanna guest post over at my place, you are very welcome!!

    By hello haha narf on 2008 04 19

  • Hello,

    Thanks for the offer.

    By clib on 2008 04 20

  • So let me get this straight.  You put killer’s head on Liz’s body?

    By othurme on 2008 04 20

  • I was a little confused. Does Killer like to be the recipient of fisting or is he a giver?

    By churlita on 2008 04 21

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