What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Sometimes I get the career blues and I wonder what the hell I’ve done with my life. During these periods, I fantasize about what else I could be or should have been. Sometimes I’m serious, like when I think I should have been trophy wife, and sometimes I’m just thinking to see where it leads. I mean, I couldn’t make it as an astrounaunt, tube food and Tang sound totally disgusting to me, but I still like to think I could make it as an astrounaunt if I really, really wanted to.

I sometimes think I should have tried harder to be a writer. Not a for real writer, but a sitcom writer. Even better would be a writer on a soap. I’d prefer to specialize on only a few characters, probably saving my best stories for Charlotte and Stinky McGee, a mysterious couple who keep having mentally challenged children before realizing that they are, in fact, closely related. They live in a trailer on the property of a very wealthy lesbian business woman named Cara. Both Charlotte and Stinky are gorgeous while the lesbian is, to say the least, a severe blond with bangs cut too short and very pale skin. You can see how these characters could be milked for years. A coma would be a must, as would the appearance of a non-mentally challenged child- followed immediately by a double homicide- which didn’t take.

I would also like to think that I’d make a pretty good food critic. Well, except for one flaw- I really like all food. Don’t misunderstand, you’ll never catch me at an Olive Garden or Ryan’s Buffet, but I’m not above a Sonic Burger or a greasy Gyro, dripping yogurt sauce. I think my downfall would be how often I would have to use the word “pallet"- as in, “The braised beef awakens the pallet with an assault akin to your first anal penetration from someone you thought you loved.” Pallet. That’s simply an annoying word.

I’ve considered looking for a job at 3M or some other manufacturer of office supplies. Do you KNOW how awesome that would be? I know most of you don’t get erect nipples thinking about the unlimited possibilities of Post It Notes, but for some of us, a job working around paper and glue sticks would be heaven on earth.

Then there are these other thoughts. All things considered, if you could be a private, by your selection, prostitute, would that really be such a bad job? I mean, if you’re working with exclusive clients you could probably make a killing simply for doing a little whoring on the weekends. I had friends in college that did that for free. They didn’t seem to mind.

But, for the time being, I guess I’ll keep the gig I’ve got. At least, until, NASA wises up and gives me a call.

•   Comments(6)    Posted by liz on 10/23 at 05:34 PM
•   Digg   del.icio.us   Fark   StumbleUpon