News From Hickville
I’m almost scared to write this. I’m scared she’ll read it and she’ll know. I’m afraid I will appear snobbish and mean. I’m frightened that she’ll bite me and leave her tooth mark on my arm.
As foreshadowed, you know I recently spent 5 days with an honest to God Hillbilly. She has a disguise- it’s called a Master’s Degree- but her etiquette is straight from the hills. I would bet my entire savings account that she’s eaten both possum and coon. Fried.
We took the wrong entrance into the Sears tower. The Yankee politely told us to go back to the street and take the next entrance into the building. Instead of complying, she shrieked, “But I’m RELATED to the Sears! Can’t you let us go in this a way?” “No. I cannot.” “But the Sears are from my granddaddy’s side of the tree!” “I’m sorry, mam.” “Well, I’ll be....”
You’ll be what? Startin’ a fued any minute now? Wrasslin’ this young feller to the ground? Hog tying him?
I have a real distaste for the Scarlett O’Haras of this world. Being southern is many things, and being overly proud of being southern is a mental illness. Yes, we do have these outstanding accents that are easy to identify. We roll our words and slowly lull out syllables. That does not mean we’re to be adored by all. This is something the Scarlett O’Haras do not understand; it conflicts with their core belief: To hear us speak is to be mesmerised by our charms.
Bullshit.
If I heard her say it once, I heard her say it in my nightmares, “I know how ya’ll just love listenin’ to us tawlk!” And people would agree, smiling broadly and looking for the nearest exit.
Did I mention that she unbuttoned her pants at EVERY restaurant we went to? And that she made me go doll shopping with her? They were collectible dolls- Santas with fairy wings and skinny limbs.
It was foul.
Now, all of that being said, I had a great time with her and I’m sure that her blog, with calico backgrounds and Achy Breaky Heart’ loaded to play when you visit, speaks of her trip to Chicago with a stuck-up bitch who wasted her time in the high-end gourmet food shop when there was a T J Maxx right around the corner.
Comments(10) 
Posted by liz on 12/17 at 08:17 PM-
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Quit yer tawlkin’ bad bout my momma!
If a feud is what yer lookin’ fer, ya’ll know my kin folk is always willin to scrap.
By high end gourmet, do you mean there is something fancier than the Piggly Wiggly?
By killer on 2007 12 18
T’aint no other way ta eat possum n’ coon ‘ceptin fried. My family is appalachian so we’re more Clampett than O’hara. The Clampetts are way more embarassin’.
By abroad on 2007 12 18
Have you watched any of the plays set in the Greater Tuna area?
You have to be at a certain level to really enjoy them. You have to know some of the characters on stage and possibly be related to them to really think they’re funny. If you don’t know those people, you don’t really get the jokes.
Unless you really are those people, and then you don’t like the play because it’s too close to home.
By laughingattheslut on 2007 12 18
Oh my god. She sounds heinous. How did you not stick forks in her temples?
By churlita on 2007 12 18
granddaddy’s side of the tree made me giggle.
i freely admit that i am a sucker for a southern accent. love it! but only when it is in normal conversation and not being used as “charm.” coz then? i wanna punch them in their bubblehead.
you really couldn’t have gotten out of the doll shopping though? i’m thinking the sprained vagina or sudden pregnancy would have done the trick.
could you please explain the unbuttoning of the pants thing? i mean after thanksgiving is one thing, but at every restaurant? buy some bigger pants, bitch!
By hellohahanarf on 2007 12 18
Today, someone at work told me that his wife had to pet sit a possom over the week. It’s quadraplegic, blind, and has to be administered sopositories. When it took a dump, some of it’s insides fell out. She called the owners and they said that was normal.
Is that not totally fucked up?
By Liz on 2007 12 18
please, please tell us that the possum story was the winning entry in some fucked up fiction contest. please?
By hellohahanarf on 2007 12 18
i’m seriously gonna have nightmares now about possum poop.
By hellohahanarf on 2007 12 18
Did she have to put the “insides” back in after they fell out?
By killer on 2007 12 18
oh gross possum story! how the hell is it ‘normal’ to shit out your insides? yech!
i’ve always wondered why the reverse isn’t also true re: accents. do yankees such as myself really sound all that harsh? would it be better if i remembered to say ‘bless her heart’ after i called someone a fucked up skanky ho?
By heather on 2007 12 19