Liquid ass and gold chains

I am still hung over. I’m not sure what time I got home last night/this morning, but I woke up on top of the covers, still clothed, with makeup on and contacts in. I’ve been sweating all day. I can’t concentrate for more than 2 minutes at a time. I barely remember the end of the evening. I keep having these flash backs of things I think I may have said or done. I’m positive that I punched one of our executives in the stomach, I just don’t know how hard I hit him. I know my profanity was colorful and loud. I don’t think it was necessarily cute or appreciated. I told a story to people I don’t know that well but work with that involved a stranger putting his hand in my crack. Yep. I actually crashed this party, which I was not invited to, and drank plenty on their tab. I then went to the “after party”. All bosses and me, the only woman. I may have called someone a pussy.

Last night I drank a lot of beer. So much beer in fact that I agreed to do shots. The first shot was some speciality “mess you up” shit from China. I now call it liquid ass, because I swear I think they ground up ass and liquefied it and put it in a bottle. It was AWFUL. A piece of my soul died when I took that drink. It was THE worst shot ever. EVER. sick

There were some good things that came out of last night. I heard the most redneck line I have ever heard uttered. I come from a long line of rednecks, so don’t take that statement lightly.

This dude, who is around 37, was talking about his former girl friend. He loved her much. So much, that when her tooth fell out (WTF?) he put it on a chain and wore it around his neck.

I can’t stop thinking about that. I imagine it to be a molar, but who knows?

It’s 11:45 Friday night and I think I’m sober. I haven’t drank all day that I remember. I’m staying pure this weekend. I have got to try that missing piece of my soul.

  • For him to have been a true redneck, it would have to have been one of her front teeth.

    By dave on 2007 07 28

  • Yeah, and it would have had to fallen out when she tripped over a dog on the roll-away stairs outside their trailer and hit her mouth on the cinder blocks holding up one of the six vehicles parked on the gravel driveway.

    I didn’t grow up in maroon-throat land at all.

    By jester on 2007 07 28

  • That truly is the most redneck line ever spoken. It brought a tear to the ‘chick’s eye.

    It was a front tooth. Molars are suitable for hanging from rearview mirrors or possibly mounting on a belt buckle, but leave too much of a “lump” to be worn around the neck.

    By Roadchick on 2007 07 28

  • Liz, I don’t mean to scare you, but once you lose a piece of your soul--it’s lost forever. I hope that liquid ass was worth it…

    And re: the toof necklace--yeah, it has to be a front toof. If it was a molar, dude’s just frontin’.

    By Mel-O-Drama on 2007 07 28

  • I just sold all my stock in “the company Liz works for”.  If you were out drinking with executives and one of them is wearing a human tooth necklace, things aren’t looking that good.

    By killer on 2007 07 28

  • Ha! I didn’t think it could be any more redneck than a gold chain around the neck, displaying a tooth. Now I know that the tooth as well as the showcase accessory, count.

    Killer, the guy with the tooth chain isn’t an executive. He crashed MY party and then went in with me when I crashed the other. Yup. Keep your stock. It pays my salary.

    By Liz on 2007 07 28

  • If it makes you feel any better, I once got shitfaced at a work Christmas party and puked all over my boss.  All over his expensive suit and shoes.  I had to go to work the very next morning.

    Topping that, I got trashed at my husband’s work event and peed myself in front of his coworkers.  His coworkers got to see their boss’s wife pee herself. *sigh*

    I wish I could say I was so trashed both times and didn’t remember them and had to be told about them, but I can’t - I clearly remember each incident.  Good times.

    By shut my mouth on 2007 07 29

  • Dear Shut My Mouth,

    Thank you. THANK YOU. I would love to know more details about each event. It’s not that I could make fun of your misfortune, it’s that I can TOTALLY relate. You know, not everyone has done things like punch an exec and peed themselves in front of the underlings. Especially women.

    Unfortunately, I most always remember as well, but I think that shit from China stole part of my brain when it took my soul.

    By liz on 2007 07 29

  • Give me a few days to get over the initial re-humiliation and I’ll blog about it.

    We are rock stars.

    By shut my mouth on 2007 07 29

  • with any luck said executive was even more trashed than you were and any witnesses will wish they had been the one to land the punch.

    a tooth, make that a ~human~ tooth on a gold chain? as a sign of love? reminds me of angilina joli and the billy bob blood necklace she wore. yech.

    although i can totaly see a mom wearing her childs tooth in a locket. not that ~i~ would but i can get that.

    By heather on 2007 07 29

  • wearing a tooth around his neck just shows that he trully loves her.. So if she lost all her teeth would that then mean he would wear it as a bracelet and matching chain… That could all be misconstrued as canalbalism (?) By some of us regular folk..lol

    By babybull40 on 2007 07 30

  • now i am curious...what was teh liquid ass stuff called?  you can trash their product on your blog...it’s ok.  see, i need to know what to avoid because when i get to drinking i will do shots of anything.  any.  thing.  so do me a favor and help a fellow woman out.  because i really would like to avoid liquid ass.  from china or anywhere.  thanks in advance!

    By hellohahanarf on 2007 07 30

  • Hello,

    I do not remember the name of the liquid ass. You’ll never see it for sale at a bar, so don’t worry. Just know that it looks like it’s in a white lighter fluid bottle.

    By liz on 2007 07 30

  • I think you missed the scariest and most obvious part of the tooth necklace. When he said “when she lost her TOOTH he put it on a chain and wore it around his neck.” Scariest part is he did NOT say when ONE of her teeth fell out. It may well have been ‘her tooth’ as in THE tooth, as in the one and only,,,,.last of the mohicans,,,,

    shiver

    BD

    By briliantdonkey on 2007 07 30

  • Oh my gawd. WE really need to drink together. I would out-loud you for sure. I also think it’s fun to call guys pussies when I’m drunk.

    By churlita on 2007 07 31

  • churlita -

    i have a pretty good grasp on the use of swear words on a good day, but get me fairly hammered and for some reason i can lose what little restraint i have.  with that in mind, please learn from my experience:  men do not take kindly to being called “cocksucker” no matter how great a word it is.  especially if they are ex-military.  yep, the don’t appreciate that word nearly as much as i do.

    By hellohahanarf on 2007 07 31

  • So did they promote you?  Because male executives tend to do two things when faced with a drunken bawdy coworker; either they get so intimidated that they promote you because they are scared to leave you in middle management or they are so impressed by your use of the vernacular and calling people colorful language they only enjoy amongst themselves that the promote you.  I see no other options.

    By Eris on 2007 07 31

  • Ya’ll’s comments are great. Sadly, I think I’ve made my non-promotable bed. And there, I shall lay.

    By liz on 2007 08 01

  • Maybe he dates seven year olds and it was just time for her tooth to fall out?

    By Natalie on 2007 08 01

  • Dear Liz -

    Hope you’re feeling better.  You can now read about my humilitation over on my blog. Cheers, uh, I mean, enjoy!

    By shut my mouth on 2007 08 03

  • Hey, I just got married in a stone circle in Derbyshire (England), and gave my molar on a gold chain to my husband as a wedding present as the part of me in this life that won’t disintegrate even when buried.Some people didn’t get it but he loves it, it’s my DNA and it looks cool.

    By Alix Howard on 2007 08 30

  • )))) This is blog is best!!!

    By Arkadiy on 2008 04 07

  • It is good, that I have visited this блог, here really is about what to esteem!

    By Rezak on 2008 04 07

  • Liquid ass, its like T1000 liquid metal in Terminator movie? smile

    By Laptopius on 2008 04 23

  • I get the gold chain, but not sure about the liquid ass tho smile

    By Opal Bracelet on 2008 05 31

  • Or maybe it was the guy himself who MADE the tooth fall out :(
    This is just pure speculation though since most guys are really nice.

    By Scooter Girl on 2008 07 31

  • ive been watching the Beijing Olympics Complete Medal Tally 2008.Phelps beat the record of Spitz in swimming competition.

    By Buboy Francisco on 2008 08 17

  • Sound scary for me though!

    By psd to html conversion on 2008 08 22

  • yuckky.. but so funny.. hehehehhe

    By las vegas weddings on 2008 08 22

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    I think the moniker implies intent and I did not go looking for them.  In fact, I’d prefer a nice man, my age, who has a good head on his shoulders and between his legs.  And now you may know a whole lot more about me than you wanted
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