Jack Off All Trades
Yesterday Killer, Clib, and I played a little Frisbee golf and then went to Hobby Lobby. Anytime Killer and I are together, we at least mention the blog. Clib is a semi-regular reader, so he was in on it all. We talked about YOU, we talked about ideas for new posts, and Clib- AGAIN- mentioned how many typos he finds in our ‘work’. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
Lately one of the things I’ve been comptemplating is how I really don’t have a skill. I’m not totally worthless but if I had to survive outside of corporate America, I would starve. I can’t really fix anything, other than dinner, I can’t build or grow anything either. I would like to have a TRADE; something that is legitimate. 3,000 years ago I would have been the second-tier scribe- which means I wouldn’t have made it past 15 years old. I’m already on borrowed time.
The problem is, I’m not quite certain what I want to do. I thought about taking some classes at the local JC, but I don’t want to be an electrician or plumber. Welding sounds fun, but it’s actually dirty work and there’s not much in my subdivision that needs welding. I’m somewhat artsy and wish I could say that I had the talent to use that as my contribution to survival, but that would be a lie. Besides, interior decorating isn’t really a life skill, is it? I’m struggling to find a trade, not a hobby. I want to take a pottery class but, like the Cricut, it’s a middle-class house wife hobby, not a viable skill. So, to recap thus far, electricity is too dangerous, plumbing would require learning about septic lines, welding is dirty and involves fire, and I’m not talented enough to branch into the liberal arts of painting, writing, or pottery.
Old school won’t cut it, so let’s catch up to modern needs. I know I should take some computer classes, but ugh. I’m just not interested! Being a programmer sounds like hell and being familiar with Office Suite Applications doesn’t catapult me into the realm of ‘vocationally skilled”. Food? Every one will need food. But I don’t grow plants well so a garden is out. Although horticultural doesn’t sound AWFUL. It just gets too hot down here during the summer to give a shit about a garden. If you think about raising livestock, I run into that whole ‘rules of the subdivision’ issue again. And the smell of manure makes me want to vomit.
I don’t know how to gut a fish, skin a deer, weave a basket, sew a shirt… it’s really alarming when I think about what all I cannot do!
So what’s left? How do I become useful?
By the way, Hobby Lobby was having a sale on their crafty printed paper. I stocked up. 08 may not be my year to quit smoking, but by damn it’s my year to make some fucking arts and crafts.
Comments(11) 
Posted by liz on 04/13 at 10:43 AM-
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- mmo said
HOW TO MAKE YOUR E-PENIS BIGGER INSIDE!
ah a killer rant inside a killer rant website! well done sir
- heather said
in the odd chance that aliens haven’t kidnapped you and killer, i wanted to stop by and wish you all a good holiday season. if you can not only make it out to the other side still breathing and manage to have a little bit of fun in the process then you’ve done well.
- hello haha narf said
i’m up entirely too early and damned if there isn’t the cricut infomercial on. of course i thought of you. and wondered if you are using that damn awesome thing!
miss you and killer. hope all is well with you both.
- jessica said
Great blog - at times you make it sound all exciting and I wish I could be there.I thoroughly enjoyed on reading the article.I think , it should be a great trip for you.
http://www.brushandfloss.com/
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I’m thinking that Killer is only keeping you on at the company in hopes that you’ll learn the fine art of ball washing.
By othurme on 2008 04 13
Then I shall be here a very, very long time as that day will likely never come! I can’t imagine my skill in life being ‘ball washer’. Ugh. Maybe Killer will tell you about ‘a cup of Gump’ sometime.
Yes. It’s as bad as it sounds.
By liz on 2008 04 13
I’ve decided to take up driving a dump truck. They come with automatic transmissions now, and air conditioning, and CD players.
I already know how to drive.
Plus, the trucks I’m thinking of have conveyor belts to shoot the gravel up to 60 feet, so there is no shoveling involved - only learning to operate the control box and since it has a joystick it will be like a great big video game.
My mother is so proud.
By Roadchick on 2008 04 13
What do you mean you’re not “not talented enough to branch into the liberal arts of painting, writing, or pottery?” I believe music is included in the liberal arts and I heard you play a mean skin flute.
BAM! Two times in a month I got to use that one! Bow to me.
By Gwen on 2008 04 13
Surprisingly, I’m good at customer service. I guess that’s not much of a skill either. Is sarcasm a skill? I’m the best in the world at that.
By churlita on 2008 04 14
Chick,
Seriously? Because that sounds cool.
Gwen,
HA! Congratulations. Killer will be calling you soon.
Chulita,
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
By liz on 2008 04 14
i so sucketh at frisbee golf. embarrassing actually. did you bring beer or play sober?
you two actually discuss post ideas? wow, it is a real company and all. damn.
what was said about YOU?
you are not without skill. fixing dinner is a good thing to be able to do. all i can do is pour the salsa into the bowl and open the bag of chips. wait, that isn’t totally true. i make a mean grilled cheese sammich.
besides, getting two guys into hobby lobby might be one hell of a skill. you could teach classes to miserable woman who can’t get their husbands to step foot into a store like that.
p.s. in kentucky my little cousin and our aunt insisted that we check out the lingerie store in the strip mall attached to our hotel. because i like sex i didn’t argue. the little outfits designed for girls half my size did nothing for me so i headed to the shoe section. and they had your chair! one of those egyptian chairs that you just bought. (the entire room had incredible egyptian pieces and was rather cool.) i took a photo with my cellica phone and then later that evening was devastated when my drunk ass deleted it without posting it on my site. boooooooooo.
another p.s. if you like bourbon you should so attend next year’s maker’s mark mile. lots of great fun. gwen has committed to the event next year. and i think my sides still hurt from all of the laughter.
By hello haha narf on 2008 04 14
why do i keep giggling like i am a kid again when i see “jack off all trades”?!??!?!?!! damn whacked sense of humor…
By hello haha narf on 2008 04 14
Hello,
Thank you for noticing the title of the post! I was hoping someone would let me know that they had noticed! I can’t BELIEVE that about the chair! YOU’RE KIDDING ME! Well, now you know what the inside of my house looks like! TONS of shoes and tacky furniture.
By liz on 2008 04 14
Churlita:
Sarcasm fits in well at Killer Rants.
Hello:
Surprisingly, the dinner served that evening was indeed Chips and dip.
we discussed my post that I just put up.
By Killer on 2008 04 15
killer - hooray for chips and dip! seriously, i might starve to death without chips and salsa.
liz - i think i may have found the photo of the chair. you should have seen me in an adult store giggling at a chair. then flopping into the one shaped like a leopard print pump. sexxxxxxy.
By hello haha narf on 2008 04 15