I’m such a hoard
I’ve come to a sad realization. I have not evolved much since my hunter/gatherer ancestors. As depressing as this self discovery is, I also find peace in the epiphany.
I don’t claim to collect anything. Not antique furniture, not bottles, not art, not DVDs, and thank God, not thimbles or state sponsored spoons. I do, however, hoard things. Well, really, many things. My gathering issue has never been so clear to me as I became last night.
This isn’t easy for me to confess. You know I have an office supply problem. I have a lotion and perfume obsession. I have enough plates to support a white house dinner and my collection of shoes might make Mist envious. I have many, many purses, packs of index cards, a wide variety of paper and paper products, scarves in all colors and sizes, around 45 necklaces (that’s a low estimate), two drawers for socks, enough liquor to require two cabinents, and so many books there are well-arranged stacks in every room in my house. Even the bathrooms have at least one book in them.
I’ve been able to get away with this for years because I’m also a relatively neat person. I hide the evidence. I don’t like unplanned clutter. My house is fully appointed, but everything has a place and everything in it’s place.
Last night I looked at my fully stocked kitchen cabinets and decided to order a pizza for dinner. I pulled out the flier for Poppa Johns and saw that the best deal on the page was buy one, get one free. There is no way I can eat two medium pizzas. Even in three days. My taste for pizza will be quenched long before the pizza is gone, yet I couldn’t pass up the deal.
So today I have a complete pizza and 1/2 sitting in my refrigerator, losing it’s tastiness and I’m in the mood for sushi.
I’ve thought a lot about this problem. My mom is a hoarder. Is my shame caused by nature or nurture? You can walk into her pantry and you’ll see 6 bottles of vegetable oil, 12 rolls of paper towels, and a box dedicated entirely to Ziplock products.
The worst part of this is that I know I have everything I need, yet the desire to own more is insatiable. I want a new bedspread for the purple room. I’ve been lurking on line, waiting to see if the perfect duvet was out there. I found it, but they want almost $400 for it. No way. I may have a hoarding problem, but I’m not a total idiot. I rationally know that if I would sock away the money I spend unnecessarily, next year when I buy a new car I could have at least a fourth of the price in cash. But A YEAR without new shoes, framed art, new clothes, unnecessary moisturizer, and a whole year without that new bedspread? Unlikely.
I’ve heard that people who went through the Depression are known hoarders. They’ve been though having nothing and never want to be in that situation again. I was depressed when I realized I had 6 hours needed before I finished my Masters instead of 3. I was depressed when I put on my cutest Capri pants and had to lay on the bed to zip them. I was depressed when I found a GRAY HAIR in my EYEBROWS.
Do you think that’s it?
Comments(12) 
Posted by liz on 08/13 at 10:59 AM-
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damn girl, you could be my sister. i am a hoard as well. only probably not as neat about it as you are.
does it make you not depressed to know that there are others out there who are not only like you , but also probably worse. (yes, i have purchased zippo engraved lighters that are on sale, yet i don’t smoke. no, i don’t want to talk about it.)
By hellohahanarf on 2007 08 13
Yes.
By othurme on 2007 08 13
We have just gone to the surplus store and spent about $40 on stuff that goes with food. Not anything that a person could make a meal out of, but lots of stuff like olives and salad dressing and soda and potato chips. And we bought some kind of herb mix that you are supposed to mix with oil and dip bread into. Of course, we did not any bread to eat with the oil and herb mix, and we did not buy any lettuce or other vegetables to make a salad with, and we did not buy any sandwich stuff to go with the olives and sodas and potato chips. And of course this stuff is all still in bags on the kitchen floor. I have no place to put this stuff away, because I have yet to throw out the stuff from last year that’s gone out of date.
There is half a pizza in the frig, but I’ll eat it for breakfast, so that’s not too bad.
I have a whole sad story about my album collection that I will probably blog about in a week or two, so I won’t bother with it here.
This weekend I bought some bras and other things of that nature, cause they were on sale. I needed some of it. And since it was on sale, I went ahead and bought the same stuff in a size or two smaller, just in case I ever start making those salads and go on a diet.
I threw away three giant bags of stuff last week, and it didn’t even make a dent in it.
By laughingattheslut on 2007 08 13
Ok… I feel a little bit better. I think it’s funny that you, laughing, bought bras two sizes too small just in case! HA!
By Liz on 2007 08 13
Actually, I still have 36 and 34 bras left from another shopping spree. I don’t really expect to wear the 34, but the 36 is still a possibility. I still have it in my head that 36-C is perfect, but I must admit that 38-C isn’t bad either.
The stuff I bought this weekend was just in case I get a smaller a**. But it’s already gotten smaller this year, so I’m not really complaining.
The smaller feet are a bit odd, so I’m having to buy new shoes too.
By laughingattheslut on 2007 08 13
i have this thing about stocking up on toilet paper, shampoo and conditioner (you ~have~ to get one of each for every scent you buy) but these things i understand are because we ran out of them quite often when i was growing up. (i vividly remember using coffee filters once and i swear on everything holy i will ~never~ do that again!!) i also own about 300 pens in just about every color imaginable, who the hell knows why. and note pads, i have 6 or 7 sitting on my desk at the moment and i know i have a bag hidden in the back of the closet with a good two or three dozen more along with paper clips, (i never even use the damn things!) and rubberbands. how odd.
By heather on 2007 08 13
Um, I hoard clothes. Mainly, white shirts. My mother-in-law hoards chicken broth. She lives alone and at last count had TWENTY SIX cans in her pantry. Can’t she hoard something yummy for f*cks sake?
By shut my mouth on 2007 08 13
I want all of you to mail me 3 of something that you hoard. It would be like Christmas! Everyday a new can of chicken broth, some colorful paperclips, 3 rolls of toilet paper! I’m getting giddy just thinking about it!
I cannot, however, use 36 C bras unless I used them as part of a novelty act.
By Liz on 2007 08 13
OK, Liz. Tell where to send the 3 loads of belly button lint and I’ll throw them in the mail.
By othurme on 2007 08 13
I’m a music hoard. I will easily fill my 5,000 song iPod. I just never know what mood I’ll be in and what I’ll want to hear. At least it can all be contained on a computer or my iPod.
By churlita on 2007 08 14
can i send you three of j’s personalities instead? uggghhh! i’m so gonna strangle that man someday. lol
By heather on 2007 08 14
I come from a long line of hoarders. I think my mother still has my baby teeth. Seriously Mom, why do you have to hang on to all those pieces of my skull? Creepy.
By jester on 2007 08 15