How I Know I’m a Woman

All this talk about sex organs has had me thinking about what it means to be a woman. Other than the fact that I don’t have a couple of nads, or, as in Killer’s case, 2.5 testicles, I think it’s safe to say that I not only look like a chick, but I act like a woman. In today’s metrosexual world, woman-ness cannot be defined by a love of pedicures and makeup. This afternoon, however, I crossed into a whole new realm of femininity. I bought one of these. I dare you XX chromosome carriers to click on the video demonstrations and not salivate. Except for Churlita, who has already made it clear that items like this are beneath her.

For the gentlemen readers, if you watch the video demo and find yourself with an erection, you are either a homosexual male or my soul mate.

I’ll tell you how they got me. Infomercials! I thought that the only infomercial that had actually caught my eye was the colon cleanse. I love that freaking infomercial. The dude pimping the colon cleanse looks like a child molester and he has an entire panel of colon cleansing experts that he talks to. Awesome. But the past couple of days it seems that when I cut on the TV in the mornings the Cricut commercial is playing. Yesterday I saw about 3 minutes of it and talked about it at work. This morning I woke up at 3 AM and unable to go back to sleep, turned on the TV to find I was entering the infomercial in progress. I watched all remaining 23 minutes and ordered one on my lunch break.

Before you pass judgement on the ridiculous expense, please remember that I also enjoy beer and football, fried foods, well used profanity, and fast cars. I may be a chick, but I’m proud of my edge. And I didn’t upgrade to the Super Cricut. Jeez. I’m not a dork. 

  • Okay I think that link is broken...it seems to lead to a machine that looks like a printer, but it cuts paper into shapes. 

    If you EVER, EVER give me anything that has been cut by this machine I am going to take away all your credit cards and put you into a treatment program.

    By the way...I did get an erection however.

    By killer on 2008 02 27

  • Um...well...huh?  Am I still gay if my erection was for the nice tits in the pink top with the white sweater tied around her shoulders?

    Why don’t you throw your clam curtains through that that thing and see if you carve them into something more appetizing looking than the flank steak you got up underneath now?

    By othurme on 2008 02 27

  • Um, you were right. I don’t quite get it. I understood the part of your post where you mentioned enjoying beer, fried foods and football. I could even get behind the make-up and pedicures, but the scrap book cutting thing? I’m at a loss. I swear I’m straight. Honest.

    By churlita on 2008 02 27

  • May you are your new gadget have many years of happiness together.

    But what are we going to do about the possibility that Killer might be either a homosexual or your soul mate?

    By laughingattheslut on 2008 02 28

  • I would have never guessed you were a scrapbooker.  I expect an awesome birthday card.  June 3.

    By Gwen on 2008 02 28

  • Oh gawd - see, THIS is why I am not allowed in the scrapbooking aisle at Michael’s.

    I don’t want to actually MAKE anything with the stuff, I just want to collect the stuff.

    Redneck said my hobby is actually collecting hobbies.

    The colon cleanse infomercial rocks. We saw it in Gatlinburg last fall and sat up to watch at 4 am. The best part? When Redneck said: What does this have to do with babies. And I’m all: What are you talking about. And he’s all: They keep talking about fetal matter. And that was when my head exploded. It took a while until I could explain the difference between feTal and feCal.

    By Roadchick on 2008 02 28

  • Killer,

    The link is what it is.... and you’re going to be BEGGING me to do cut out things for you with my Cricut. I bought the ‘adult version’ instead of the Disney characters.

    Othurme,

    Ha, ouch and ewww. At the same time. My head hurts.

    Churlita,

    I know. You’re lucky that you missed this part of being a woman. It’s expensive and slightly embarassing.

    Laughing,
    Thanks for the support. Killer and I know we’re not soul mates and I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. I wouldn’t however, put it past him to accept a handjob in a dark alley from an efeminanent man if he was really loaded and you double dog dared him.

    Gwen,
    I don’t scrapbook. There’s this whole community of scrapbookers that are INSANE- as I learned by reading the Cricut BLOG. I cannot, willnot, shouldnot be that. I am an ARTIST searching for conveinience when assembling original products. There. I feel better.

    Roadchick,
    When you clean out your closet, please send me your ‘junk’. And the story of Redneck and FETAL matter is hilarous.

    By Liz on 2008 02 28

  • Maybe you could cut an extension to Killer’s “so called” third testicle. The mythical ball.

    By Paul on 2008 02 28

  • Paul,

    He would only store it behind his sack. My ‘art’ will be too precious for that!

    By Liz on 2008 02 28

  • think of it this way guys, it’s just one more way for liz to decorate the blog. she can’t light candles but she can draw for us and post pictures she’s taken. now she has an extra medium to make pictures for us with.

    By heather on 2008 02 28

  • Thanks, Heather. Now THAT’S thinking like a woman!

    By Liz on 2008 02 28

  • dontcha know it wink

    By heather on 2008 02 28

  • Just read your comment over at my place and your reply to me here.  I expect a conveniently assembled original card to celebrate how many times I’ve been around, I mean driven my car, around the block.

    By Gwen on 2008 02 29

  • i knew i had no intention of making crap, yet i wanted to buy one of those fuckers in the worst way.  somehow i managed to get away from the tv with my dignity and my credit cards in tact.

    can’t say the same for the miracle blade knife set.

    and i talked for so long about the personal, versatile countertop magician:  the magic bullet.  finally got that fucker for christmas.  haven’t used it once, but dammit, i own one!

    By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 01

  • I couldn’t look for too long. That’s a dangerous machine. Like Roadchick, I love to collect craft supplies. Lately, I have actually been using them!

    Roadchick, that story was classic. I love it!

    I once bought the colon cleanse. Thought I could lose some extra weight that way. It’s banana flavored. I’m allergic to bananas. I still need to lose some pounds.

    I also bought the Carlton Sheets Real Estate Investment Kit. Later sold it on Ebay for MUCH less than I paid for it. I think those charges are still lingering on my credit card bill.

    By ginamonster on 2008 03 01

  • no shit! i didn’t know you were allergic to bananas. my post about trying to explain death to cheeks and comparing it to a banana must have had a ~whole ‘nother~ meaning for you! lol

    By heather on 2008 03 01

  • Yeah. I don’t remember that post. Perhaps I have not gotten to it yet.

    By ginamonster on 2008 03 02

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