House Sitter Wanted
This will be my last post for at least a week as the Great Frozen Tundra beckons to me with her deep dish pizza and bars that stay open past 9 on a weeknight. In preparation for this journey- of which I may or may not return pregnant- I have done the traditional Liz action of creating a mental list of all preparations needed for the trip. This has included going shopping for a sweater. This shopping trip, with one item as the target, ended up costing around $550. I disgust myself. At the same time, I now have pants that don’t threaten to sprain my vagina when I put them on. Life is a delicate balance.
I asked Killer to housesit for me while I was away. I would feel better knowing the cats had someone here to ensure they didn’t starve to death while I was out getting my swerve on- or, more realistically, working, returning to the hotel, laying with a room service tray on the passenger’s side of the bed while Everybody Loves Raymond reruns lull me into slumber. Killer, even though he currently lives with Bam, Mrs. Bam, teenage Bam, and Mrs. Bam’s grandmother, denied my request. I must say this surprised me. I offer to my co-blogger the opportunity to live bachelor for a week, to roam naked through my house, farting at leisure, and he says, “No. I like to nest and all my nesting items are at Bam’s”? I can’t grasp it.
My house is set up for the single man lifestyle. There are bottles of liquor stashed in every room in case of emergency. There are lubricants and coffee. I have cable and pay-per-view porn is available. Frozen pizzas overflow from the the freezer. There’s a bottle of pain pills in the cabinet. Can you imagine being a single man and turning down this offer?
What could I have done to have made my house more appealing to Killer? What would it have taken to have convinced him that staying here was in his best interest?
Killer, I’ll leave a key under the mat in case you change your mind. Just don’t fart on my pillow, please.
Comments(8) 
Posted by liz on 12/08 at 11:36 AM-
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Are there porno tapes in the VCR?
By laughingattheslut on 2007 12 08
Maybe you could entice Killer to house-sit for you if you knit a little sweater sack for his balls.
By Richard on 2007 12 08
I think money for a few nights with an exotic massage therapist might have been the only thing missing in the deal.
By celebrate woo-woo on 2007 12 09
i’ll housesit for you! sounds perfect. while i am a dog person, i like cats for the short term. i have references!
36 and i have never heard “passenger’s side of the bed.” and here i thought i had hear it all. sheesh. do you mind if i kidnap that phrase? love it.
p.s. are you sure killer doesn’t roam nakey at bam’s place?
By hellohahanarf on 2007 12 09
Your description of hotel life sends shivers up my spine. I spent the last 5 years working on the road and you summed it up, not the pregnant and staying out late drinking part, but the lonely room-service, Everybody Loves Raymond (which seems to be spinning on a loop on every hotel TV), one sided bed part. I strongly suggest boarding the kitty and having the post office hold the mail if you’re going to be gone longer than 4 days.
I hope it was a cashmere sweater for that amount of dough.
By abroad on 2007 12 09
I bet someone cooks his meals at the other place. Either that, or there’s a totally hot chick who lives next door.
By churlita on 2007 12 10
i think killer is ~saying~ he won’t housesit so that when poor unsuspecting liz comes home from her week long attempt at spraining her vagina the oder left behind by a man who loves to fart and refuses to light a candle will knock her off her feet.
i don’t know why, but he strikes me as a prankster…
By heather on 2007 12 10
I KNEW you were going to be all offended by my not accepting your house sitting offer!
I never fell comfortable in a bed not-my-own. Also, a little known fact about me: I like to get into a routine and not change, going to a new house for a week is not part of my routine.
Strange for a person who has spent the last eight years moving every three months.
By killer on 2007 12 11