Don’t Feed Me Chocolate Then Hint That I Need to Lose Weight

I officially have my Valentine’s Day hangover. It’s not caused by alcohol it’s caused by the enormous influx of sugar dissolving in my bloodstream. I’m hooked on Lindor Truffles and this year I have started what I hope to be a long standing tradition- a bag of truffles, a corn dog, and a two-liter Coke. I know. Some of you have traditions that you feel are better than the one I hope to establish, but that’s just because society tells you that my tradition is one of a sad, lonely loser. I challenge that way of thinking! My tradition is one of absolute freedom; a tradition that doesn’t involve pantyhose and heavily scented lotion. How many women would chose February 14th to polish off a bag of Lindor’s, wash it down with a two-liter, and then make a ketchup soaked corn dog dessert? Not many. At least not many who are not already married.

I wasn’t really down on Valentine’s Day this year until a friend of mine sent a text message saying that last night he got engaged. I like this guy. He’s a cool guy. He’s a nice guy. But he proposed on Valentine’s Day? Come on. I would guess that this is the most popular day of the year, maybe besides Christmas, to present your girl with a ring and ask that she commit to you for the rest of her life, even though as you grow older both of your interests will change and you will find one day that getting married is the single greatest regret of your life. Don’t misunderstand. I comprehend the reason a man would want to get married. Now you have permission to shit with the bathroom door open and burp over breakfast. You can officially scratch your balls in front of her and not have to scratch over the pants- you’re free to dig in. You have someone who is legally obligated to bail you out of jail should the need arise. You can gain 40 pounds and if she complains, she’s being shallow and you can accuse her of alienation of affection. This gives you permission to have an affair- which you will do as soon as you lose 20 pounds. You can have children and begin your legacy; the legacy where the wife does most of the child-rearing and you find your escape through Golden Tee and cable sports channels.

And to think this chain of events all started on Valentine’s Day! How romantic.

Believe it or not, I am not anti-marriage. I’m glad people get married. I probably wouldn’t be here had my parents been realists and figured out before conceiving children that marriage sucks. Marriage has also stopped me from making some unwise choices in my life and it’s a GREAT excuse to give an ugly man who just can’t get it through his head that you do not find him attractive, but that his wife obviously does. So, I am not anti-marriage and I’m certainly pro-love. And I am a firm believer that you do not propose on Valentine’s Day. It’s been done to death and it feels like you’re just lazy and void of creativity. Pick a Tuesday that’s not close to a major holiday and don’t try to pair our engagement with my birthday so that you don’t have to remember to buy me a gift for that occasion too. Respect events like the Super Bowl as well. No one wants your engagement announcement to compete with their Super Bowl party. And don’t hide the ring in food. If you’re a guy, you probably didn’t think about sanitizing the ring before you had the chef stuff it in my shrimp cocktail. That ring has been touched and tried on by countless people. What are you trying to do? Kill me?

•   Comments(10)    Posted by liz on 02/15 at 06:13 PM
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