Attributed to the sleeveless wonder

Just shoot me. Just take the freakin’ gun and point it at my head and pull the frickin trigger.

First it was Rich Hall’s Snigglets and everything funny in the world was attributed to Rich Hall. Xeroxed copies of Snigglets from Not Necessarily The News were passed around school and brought home from the office by parents. Then stories began circulating by Bill Cosby after his Fatherhood book was published. Next came the poor impersonations of Eddie Murphy’s standup and Seinfeld one liners. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. Lord help us, the Internet was created and the wisdom of Stephen Wright, and finally George Carlin, was sent to my Inbox at least once a month- for YEARS.

My complaint is that these are the same quotes, the same jokes, that have been going around for two decades, but they get credited to a new comedian every few years. I think all of those guys are funny but I’m convinced that half the jokes came from Heny Youngman or Rich Little or Bob Hope they’re so old. And why are you still forwarding these to me? I’ve read them all. ALL at least 10 times. I can only laugh at a pie in a face so many times and then it just becomes a pie in the face and makes me want a snack.

I once received a forward (imagine that) that instructed me to appreciate forwards because that means someone is thinking of you. Fuck that. A forward is the lowest form of flattery. If you want to think of me, type a three word email that reads, “Thinking of you!” and send that. If you MUST forward me something, try to make sure it’s not 8 years old, try to review the endless thread of forward messages as the text, and try to at least add your own quip. Something like, “This made me think of you. I think you’ll appreciate number 7!” Please don’t continue to send me shit like Larry the Cable Guy Words of Wisdom. Seriously. LARRY THE CABLE GUY WORDS OF WISDOM? Is THAT the joke?

I’ll bet you a dollar that if I changed the title to ‘Jeff Foxworthy’s Pearls of Sanity” and send this exact email back to the sender, it would end up in my Inbox by the end of the week. Where are all these forward happy, ‘thinking of you’ mother fuckers when I’m painting my house?

The Wisdom Of Larry the cable Guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

22. Just remember—if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

•   Comments(7)    Posted by liz on 08/20 at 12:06 PM
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