Asshole List 2
Periodically, well, once before, I like to publish a list of things that make you an asshole. If you look at these items and they sound like YOU, then you pretty much know where you stand in this world- somewhere above the knee, below the waist, and between the cheeks. I encourage you to add to the list in the comments section. If you dare you can tell us how many of these characteristics you possess.
1. If you seriously refer to yourself as a ‘connoisseur’ of something you’re a total dick wad, unless YOU REALLY ARE A CONNOISSEUR. I’ll use Killer as the non-asshole example. He will refer to himself as a beer connoisseur, but he’s actually been to brew school and has studied the art of making beer. He has a tiny mug-shaped diploma and everything. The dude a couple of cubicles down who announces that he is a coffee connoisseur, and means it, is simply an a-hole.
2. If you’re a boss but you don’t have the balls to disagree with your supervisor and your employees suffer because of it, put on your big ass hat before going into work. Seriously. Just announce to the world that you don’t have a pair and end the guessing game.
3. If you’re my neighbor and make some snide comments because there is a TINY tire rut in my grass, you’re an asshole that needs a hobby. One night a few weeks ago I was trying to outrun what I assume was either an undercover cop or a serial killer and I took a hard left into the driveway. I missed a little. So? It’s my fucking yard. To have you critique it to me is uncivilized and none of your business.
You know, I’ve been attempting to outrun several people lately… I wonder what the hell I’m thinking sometimes.
4. This is a story that exemplifies being an asshole. The characteristics this highlights are nosy, intrusive, holier than thou, and shriveled twat:
A girl friend of mine was invited to a Superbowl party. She and her husband were the only two there that were not members of the same Sunday School as the rest of the gang. All of the women had migrated to the kitchen and the men were in the den, watching the game. During the first quarter a shriveled prune walked out of the kitchen and said, “Paula, don’t you think you need to come in the kitchen with the rest of the women?”
Paula said, “No thanks. I’m enjoying the game.”
“But Paula, you really should come join us in the kitchen.”
“No. I want to watch the game.”
Shriveled prune: “Well that’s VERY inappropriate!” (Imagine exaggerated indignation)
At half time, shriveled prune re-entered the den and said, “We’re cutting this off!” cut off the television and proceeded to begin a Sunday School lesson. Index cards were passed out and guests were asked to write on the cards “The Super Bowl of my life is...”
It’s not even shriveled prune’s house.
ASSHOLE!
5. I don’t think work is the right place to talk about lactation. Sorry. It’s not that I’m anti-lactation, it’s just that I couldn’t care less about almost any other topic in the world. Especially when it’s a man talking about it. And not in a funny- Look! there’s milk all over your shirt. What the fuck? Are you lactating? kind of way, but in a serious, I’m sensitive and I’m connecting to you women kind of way. OMG. I’d rather have my damn appendix explode than listen to that shit. A double S HOLE.
6. Women thinking they look cute in a hat is ok. I mean, have you ever seen ME in a hat? Adorable. But women who talk about how cute they are in hats and then model them at work should experience tragic and painful death by scalping.
7. If you’re a massuse, and I’m getting an hour long massage, you DO NOT get to count the 10 minutes YOU made me spend filling out some stupid form, getting naked on the table, and then ‘consulting about my areas of focus’ as part of MY time. You should tell me to arrive 10 minutes early so that the rubbing can begin on schedule. When I’m paying $80 for an hour’s worth of anything, I want it to be 60 god damn minutes, not 47.
8. If you spend the night at someone else’s house, the least you can do it pick up after yourself. I mean, at LEAST pick up your wet towel and either hang it up or throw it in the laundry room. Don’t leave it soggy and leaking next to the pubic hair you left on the floor. God. I’m instituting a ban immediately.
I think that about covers the issues I feel most pressing today. If you like this kind of post, don’t worry. There will be more to come. No matter how hard I try, I keep discovering new asshole behaviors all around me.
Comments(14) 
Posted by liz on 02/07 at 04:52 PM-
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Oh, there would be some Christian persecution going on in THAT Superbowl party!
I am going to begin referring to you as an Asshole Connoiseur.
By Killer on 2008 02 07
Please don’t. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Ewwww.
By liz on 2008 02 07
Whew. None. I match none. Go me!
But I have a funny “work/lactation” story: I’m sitting in the guest chair in the office of this gal at work who was pumping in her office. So there we are tra-la-la, discussing some case and I absentmindedly used my thumbnail to scratch at something on her chair. As soon as I realized what it was, I was horrified. And it showed. My eyes got huge, my mouth dropped open and I yelled, “Oh my God! That’s you! That’s your milk!” Thankfully we were pretty close and we laugh about it today, but really? I shudder a little thinking about it. I think there is still some on the chair.
By Gwen on 2008 02 07
Well, I think that someday I might like to have a Superbowl party that didn’t actually involve watching the Superbowl, but maybe just the commercials.
But I think that I would tell everyone that was the plan before inviting anyone.
Is there more info on this story? Did the person giving the party get rid of the shrived prune? Did this thing with the index cards maybe just happen during the half-time show and then they all went back to the game?
By laughingattheslut on 2008 02 08
Without saying a word I would have taken a big dump on the index card, handed it in, grabbed one last taquito for the road, and headed home.
By othurme on 2008 02 08
Hahahaha shriveled prune would have been politely shown the door the second she touched the TV at my party.
I agree with laughingattheslut though there has to be more to this story.
By dave on 2008 02 08
That last one was about Killer, wasn’t it?
My boyfriend calls himself a BBQ connoiser, but he’s not an asshole because he really has been everywhere to taste the best BBQ and he’snot snobby about it, he’s just knowledgeable.
When I was a barista and lactating, we used to make jokes about charging .50 extra for breast milk instead of soy or regular. I just might be an asshole.
By churlita on 2008 02 08
Churlita,
1. You used barista and lactating in the same sentence. Hummmm.
2. I can’t get to your blog anymore. It takes forever to load. Have you heard other similar comments or am I banned?
I don’t know any more about the party as my friend left as soon as the cards were passed out.
Gwen,
That’s the kind of story you CAN share. Serious lactation stories are not interesting except to other lactators.
Othurme,
I would love to witness this from afar.
By liz on 2008 02 08
#4 is making smoke come out of my ears! I would have shoved the index cards up the church ladies ass straight away. How is watching the Superbowl at a Superbowl party inappropriate??
I also look adorable in hats, but I do not discuss it in public. It’s not necessary to talk about it. All you need to do is look at me and commence worship.
By abroad on 2008 02 08
oh hell no! anyone who dares tell me that i am not to watch the game at a party on superbowl sunday is gonna wake up with, at minimum, a black eye. asshole does’t even begin to describe that bitch. you were being kind.
you know, i agree with everything you said here. and i don’t even fall into any of the assholic categories. whew!
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 09
p.s. about the tire track in your yard? me thinks that you need to really piss that fucker off. don’t mow your lawn or get a rusty car to park in the yard for a while or have a pants off dance off contest in the yard or make some hideous lawn “ornament” or do something equally as offensive to that asshole. because he really needs to get a life. (maybe i will send you a photo of my yard and you can pass it along with a note that says “be thankful you don’t live next to her.")
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 09
Abroad,
Apparently that is the story that piqued everyone’s interest. I too thought the prune was being a total bitch, and I found it unbelievable that she had the nerve to do what she did. What I didn’t expect is for others to so strongly agree!
Hello,
I would love to have a picture of your front yard to show my nosy neighbor. That’s funny. I can’t be too pissed, though. Friday he raked all of the leaves in my yard and swept my carport without me asking. He is forgiven.
By liz on 2008 02 10
raked your leaves AND swept the carport? sheesh, i would immediately forgive the rude bastard. might even bake the fucker a casserole or something. (oh wait, i don’t cook. maybe i would buy him a pizza?)
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 10
That’s weird. No one else has said that about my blog and you are SO not banned.
By churlita on 2008 02 11