You Too Can Be Skinny

There has been a lot of discussions at work recently about losing weight. It seems to be an American past time, possibly surpassing baseball and apple pie as what represents us as a society. Nothing screams American as much as fat people struggling to lose weight, but without eating less and exercising more. THAT would be down right UN-American.

As an American who has lost a significant amount of weight over the last year, using that strictly UN-American method, I feel I am pretty much an expert on this subject. It seems most diet plans and books only speak of how you could possibly lose weight. I want my book to only deal with the guaranteed methods of weight loss.

I am going to share with you my medically proven, guaranteed weight loss methods. My publicist is vehemently against me listing them here. He thinks there is no reason to purchase the diet cow, when the diet milk is being given away free on the internet. I really more interested in helping people than getting rich off of them.

Killer’s Official, Scientifically Proven, 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss Methods

1. DIY Liposuction. Why pay a “Medical Doctor” to suck out the fat? Does it take a PhD to vacuum your floor? Here is the equipment you will need: Clean towels, Extra Strength Tylenol, Hot water, Exacto knife, Travel size sewing kit, and an Industrial strength Shop-Vac. The legal department says I can’t actually give instructions on “how to give yourself liposuction”, but it isn’t brain surgery.

2. Parasitic Intestinal Worms. There are several variety so don’t fret over the details. Cook your meat a little less (or not at all) and start drinking all the water from those third world countries you have grown up being warned about. There is a reason Sally Struthers is the lone obese person in all those Feed the Children commercials...she is the only one NOT drinking the local water.

3. Bilateral Leg Amputation. So, you’ve gained so much weight the only way you can get up out of the house to buy another fifty pounds of bacon is in a motorized wheelchair. It is highly unlikely that you can get to Uganda to drink the water (airplane seats are so small now a days) and you can’t even bend over to touch your toes much less pick up a shop vac (why do they put the ground SO far away?) Well, this is the plan for you. Drive that Hover-round over to the Home Depot and pick up a chain saw. Don’t try and save money and get a hack saw, you know that is way too much energy than you are willing to exert. Now, chop off both of your legs. What good are they doing you? You have the motorized cart, and those legs probably weigh around fifty pounds a piece. Wouldn’t you like to lose a hundred pounds? It’s definitely a great start.

4. Removal of that parasitic, unformed twin. It is rare, but it does happen. Sitting inside you right now could be fifteen pounds of a twin sibling that did not make it out of your Mom because you absorbed them. Man, you were an over eater even in the womb! You know how you were complaining about hearing voices a few months back? It might have been your brother Billy from inside your abdominal cavity. He’s probably in there with hair and teeth attached to a big lump...you could keep him in a mason jar. It would be a great conversation piece.

5. Cancer. Now don’t go getting all happy because you have some mild, benign melanoma on your nose, I mean the serious, bad-ass carcinomas with lung and brain mets. After all the chemo and radiation therapy you will have lost at least a pound in hair alone (ten pounds in body hair if you are me). You’re appetite will be shot and you won’t be able to hold down even a sip of water. That is a diet program that celebrities would pay good money for. If only it didn’t lead to death.

6. Death. The Granddaddy of all diets. Nothing says rapid weight loss like dying, and better yet, it stays off.

If you can think of anymore guaranteed weight loss methods let me know in comments.

Comments(23) Posted by killer on 01/23 at 12:09 AM
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You left out:

Daily high colonics.
Wiring your jaw shut.
Sewing your lips together.
Move to Ireland - you won’t want to eat the food.
Eat deformed cans of tuna.
Eat room temperature potato salad.

By jester on 2008 01 23
On the first one, you didn’t say how much extra strength Tylenol to take.

That third one you stole from a show called Dark Room. Not only can you lose weight, but you can impersonate a guy that gets disability checks.

Jester had some good ones. Just make sure that you don’t eat the deformed cans of tuna and room temperature potato salad, and then wire your jaw shut. Those are two different strategies that should not be used in combination.

By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 23
#4? Been a while since I’ve seen “Total Recall”. Can’t wait to see the scene again where the Governator gets bugeyes.

By dmarks on 2008 01 23
What about the 6 pack and toast diet? 6 beer and 4 slices of toast with peanut butter should do you for the day.

By Paul on 2008 01 23
I lost 7 lb in 3 days last Spring with a nasty stomach flu. It sucked ass, but it sure took the weight off.

By churlita on 2008 01 23
Jester:
I found English food to be much worse than Irish.

Laughing:
I’ve never heard of “The Dark Room” but often great minds think a like.

Dmarks:
Recently at the hospital I am at they removed a tumor with teeth and hair. That always creeps me out...I don’t think I would want to know that detail.

Paul:
I like that, cheap and simple.

Churlita:
Usually a stomach flu “blows” ass, not suck.

By Killer on 2008 01 23
Third world country water? Have you tried the US local water system??

I could cut off a leg or two. I just sit at the computer all day anyway. I don’t need them.

Other weight loss methods:

Go to the jungle and hang out for awhile. Get hungry, and run like hell to keep from being dinner.

Outsource your workouts and healthy eating to an Indian.

Tie yourself to the back of your friend’s moped. Laugh your ass off as he falls off of it, because your fat butt is too big to be hauled.

Have lots of sex. Seriously. It burns, like, 800 calories an hour. Unless you are a JAP (Jewish American Princess). Of course, that requires that you guys can go for more than ten minutes.

Colonics: Lose about 40 pounds over four sessions.

By Absurdist on 2008 01 23
I’m figuring that each boob is like, 5 pounds, and if my hair can count for say, a pound, then I only need to lose 10 pounds. I think if I indulge in more sex I should be set, right? Since I probably won’t be getting more sex, I think I might have to invest in colonics. (eew, not really) I do eat a lot of steak.

By ginamonster on 2008 01 24
PS...Just as American as dieting? Debt. You can’t be an American unless you have debt. and lots of it. I’m not talking house debt, I mean the kind that won’t ever appreciate. Car debt. Boat. Credit Card. You just aren’t American unless you have at least two of those.

By ginamonster on 2008 01 24
My boobs are 12 pounds together. I can actually put them on a damned scale. How bad is that? And restaurant booths were made by evil men who think that it’s funny for a woman’s boobs to sit on the stupid table.

I am in debt to my pimp… Does that count?

By Absurdist on 2008 01 24
killer - “Recently at the hospital I am at they removed a tumor with teeth...”

For 1/3 of second, I interpreted that partial sentence to imply rather nonconventional surgical techniques.

By dmarks on 2008 01 24
OMG, I didn’t even see that.

Yeah, um, did you use your teeth to remove that tumor? Incisor? Canine?

By Absurdist on 2008 01 24
Absurdist:
Although the outsourcing the diet sounds easier, it would not create weight loss. I am all for the sex diet however.

Ginamonster:
I am thinking of starting a weightwatchers type facility for my new Sex diet. You should join up. I am hoping Americans are willing to go into debt for my diet program.

Absurdist:
Money to your pimp is not considered debt. You are renting his protective services.

dmarks:
Good catch. The hospital I am at is pretty cost effective and clamps are expensive.

Absurdist:
I specifically said, “They removed a tumor with teeth.” I would just use my hands.

By Killer on 2008 01 24
You can’t take my sex diet idea. You will have to pay me for my idea… I will take a percentage. You can pay my pimp. You will also need consultative services, so I can provide that for you as well.

By Absurdist on 2008 01 24
Holy shit, I’m left-handed, so the right-arm is definitely getting the axe; that should get me to my ideal weight!

By Romi on 2008 01 24
Absurdist, I haven’t actually tried to weigh them, but I think about it a lot. It’s probably a good thing my scale is in storage.

Killer, I need to know who is administering the sex. You know, cuz I need to be enthusiastic about it.

By ginamonster on 2008 01 24
Absurdist:
If I could get women to pay to have sex with me...I would lie, cheat and steal to do so.

Romi:
I WISH an arm was enough weight to get me to my ideal weight. I am not sure if both legs would cut it for me.

Ginamonster:
Well, for MY program, I personally asses each and every client and the ones who meet my strict criteria will receive my personal attention. Everyone else will be relegated to underlings.

By Killer on 2008 01 25
Killer, I know this is not appropriate for me to say, but I really like it when you post every day. I’m ready for you to do another NAPLO- or whatever that was. Come on- post from work since you get paid to basically sit on your ass all night anyway!February- 29 posts. You can do it!

I’ll commit 3 if it helps balance things.

By liz on 2008 01 25
I actually took care of a long-term patient who had #3. We were weighing him one ight and I blurted out, “ holy cow! Mr. G; you sure have lost a lot of weight!” Thankfully, he was too out of it to respond;(or he could not believe how uncouth that was) I like to think he’s up in heaven chuckling about it now.
By the way, you look fabulous! Keep up the good work!

By MOM on 2008 01 26
Oh! is that how it works? Now I’m a bit nervous to try, what if I don’t warrant personal attention? My poor little ego…

By ginamonster on 2008 01 26
You forgot my favorite diet. Meth and Diet Coke

By Topncal on 2008 01 26
sign me up for your sex weight loss program! i’m in!!

By hellohahanarf on 2008 01 27
NO NO NO NO NO. He can’t take my idea. You bastard. You stealing mother-fucker. I don’t have a job right now. IT’S MY IDEA, MY IDEA I tell you…

You can participate, but I am still running the center. Plus, you are going to need my help. Only I know how to set it up properly.

BASTARD!!!!!

PS: What do you think of my new site? Yes, I am begging for props. Jester helped me tons last night…

By Absurdist on 2008 01 27

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