World Famous Nuts
Have you ever felt really unmotivated? That is how I feel about blogging right now. I can not think of a single thing to really write about. I mean, even tossing together some quips about my third testicle has seemed to have lost it’s appeal.
And if there is anything that usually gets me going...it’s tossing around my testicles.
What the hell?!? If my hot, savory nuts can’t get the creative juices flowing...what is the point in having them? I have always assumed they were the source of my creative powers. Maybe like Samson’s hair. If I were to get testicular cancer and have to have one or more them removed, would I be less humorous. Wouldn’t any man?
I came to this realization today after having a young male patient who actually had a testicular implant placed. I guessed in his scrotum. I didn’t actually palpate the wrinkly sack to investigate the presence. I just looked at the large dressing covering his nether regions and assumed all was intact. I have found my job to be much easier if I don’t bother looking too closely.
I don’t know if his situation mirrors my own however. He apparently only has had one wondrous nut his previous 14 years of life. He couldn’t know what he was missing. He probably just knew that every time he woke up in the morning and scratched his junk, it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel complete. Like there was an itch deep inside he couldn’t get to. I hope this new fake teste satisfies that inner itch.
Who am I kidding? I can’t blame my trusty boys for my recent dry spell. They have always been there for me. When all is dark and bleak in the world all I have to do is reach down and give them a reassuring squeeze. They take care of me, and I try my best to take care of them. I always make sure they are comfortable in any new pants before I buy them, and if anyone or anything seems to be flailing a little too close to that region I instinctively jump away and protect them like a fragile family heirloom. Because, in a way...they are. Hundreds of generations and predecessors have come and gone to produce me and my balls. I like to think of us as the culmination of something great and mighty.
Someday the world will learn their glory and rejoice in their splendor!
This post started out as a complete and total nothing with absolutely no point, I am not sure how it got to be all about testicles, but it seemed like a natural progression. A special thanks needs to go to google images for the awesomely incredible book cover. Also to Adobe Illustrator for allowing me to add my nuts to Mt Rushmore. Someday I hope to improve my Photoshop/Illustrator skills to make them so realistic, people will really believe they are there.
Comments(19) 
Posted by killer on 02/19 at 09:31 PM-
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- mmo said
HOW TO MAKE YOUR E-PENIS BIGGER INSIDE!
ah a killer rant inside a killer rant website! well done sir
- heather said
in the odd chance that aliens haven’t kidnapped you and killer, i wanted to stop by and wish you all a good holiday season. if you can not only make it out to the other side still breathing and manage to have a little bit of fun in the process then you’ve done well.
- hello haha narf said
i’m up entirely too early and damned if there isn’t the cricut infomercial on. of course i thought of you. and wondered if you are using that damn awesome thing!
miss you and killer. hope all is well with you both.
- jessica said
Great blog - at times you make it sound all exciting and I wish I could be there.I thoroughly enjoyed on reading the article.I think , it should be a great trip for you.
http://www.brushandfloss.com/
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I went to Mt Rushmore a couple of years ago, and I totally missed your testicles. That’s so weird.
By churlita on 2008 02 20
I had an uncle or cousin or somebody with only one testicle. Seems like he was still pretty funny. (And I’m sure he had his problem before anybody was selling implants, so I doubt that he went and bought a replacement part.) So I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Maybe your funny bone is in your arm, like everyone else’s
Dry spell huh? Nothing to say? Over at Dave’s and at Jester’s, we are having a serious discussion about shooting gay children. So far you have not had anything to say about it.
Also at Dave’s, we are now making fun of each other for our religious beliefs, or lack thereof. I went first, and called atheists idiots. Maybe you should come and play.
By laughingattheslut on 2008 02 20
love that good my testicles book! what a riot.
to get the ole cerative juices flowing, maybe your balls just need to be carressed by...oh, i don’t know...me.
yeah, that’s the ticket. i will get something flowing for ya.
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 20
“Good-bye, Testicles” cover is genius.
Thanks for the post.
Wierd thing is that now that old Buddy Holly song
pops into my head “hello marysue - goodbye heart”
oh wells.
By Mayren on 2008 02 20
Have you seen that new show on IFC, “The Whitest Kids U Know”? It’s a sketch comedy show with four players, all guys. One of them always has a nut popping out somewhere - our of his zipper, his collar, his sleeve. The show is a riot. The rap video ski about smoking pot with dinosaurs slayed me.
By Gwen on 2008 02 20
Actually Killer. I think you need a giant heaping bowl of baked beans to get the flatus and creative juices going. Just think of all the productivity you can have. Have a second bowlful just to keep you going.
By Paul on 2008 02 20
I think this post was just an excuse to post that book cover.
I’m pretty sure I know why you haven’t weighed in on the debate going on about shooting gay children or the idiot atheists.
It’s because I’ve already said all there needs to be said about it.
By jester on 2008 02 21
Churlita:
about seven years ago, they had just begun blasting on the mountain. It wasn’t finished until recently.
Laughing:
Serious topics cause my balls to swell and grow angry. I’m happy here where it is jovial and safe.
Hello:
I read your comment and had to type the response one handed.
Mayren:
Thanks, I am going to scour the internet and try to find a copy of that book.
Gwen:
I had someone else tell me about that show recently. I will have to check it out.
Paul:
Liz won’t let me eat beans...she strapped a carbon monoxide monitor to my back and it embarrasses me when it goes off too often.
Jester:
You pretty much methodically covered all the bases. You are good like that.
I started the post with no direction, and googled testicles to see what kind of pics I could find. Once I spotted the book, I knew it was the one.
By Killer on 2008 02 21
killer, if you find that book, see if there are two. it is just too funny. i so want one!
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 21
Dude, all you need is a good rolling of the tongue and sucking of your balls, and you will feel much, much better. I recommend peanut butter and a dog.
By Absurdist on 2008 02 21
c’mon, abs!! don’t be suggesting a dog to do my job…
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 21
hello:
So far no luck on that book. I have found a bunch of others in that series, but it seems to be out of print.
Abusrdist:
Ohhh Beehave! (it’s hard to type an Austin Power’s accent)
Hello:
I’m packing my nuts and peanut butter and heading to Pittsburgh.
By Killer on 2008 02 21
Hey, you are just lucky I didn’t talk about a molly mouth.
By Absurdist on 2008 02 21
killer, we have peanut butter here. see you when you get here.
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 21
Narf, stop hoggin in on my sexual escapades!!!
By Absurdist on 2008 02 21
abs, i’ve been hot for killer much longer. back off.
killer, would it please you to see me wrestle abs for your affection? maybe topless? in chocolate pudding? or beer? coz for you i so will.
By hellohahanarf on 2008 02 21
The new Killerrants slogan.
“Scoring internet ass with pictures of our goods since 2007!”
By othurme on 2008 02 21
Absurdist and Hello:
Ladies...ladies...I have two balls and there are two of you, there is NO problem.
Othurme:
I am paranoid because I once caught the internet clap.
By Killer on 2008 02 22
i thought you had three. was the third one taking a potty break or was that the tour guide?
By heather on 2008 02 22