Winners Never Cheat
A lengthy discussion was had at work today around one simple question, “If your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them?”
I was at an immediate disadvantage, having not now, nor ever, the qualifications for this question...namely: A spouse.
It is easy to say “I would kick that bitch (or bastard if that is the case) to the curb.” But when that moment arrives, can you really do it? I have some friends who have cut loose after such an incident and some that have stuck it out. I personally can’t say which is better, but I think it might just be easier to stay single.
The general argument by one co-worker, a male on his third marriage, simply stated, “It is in my genes to cheat. I have a penis and it controls me, I knew from the start that I would be a cheater.” That seems almost liberating. It’s not my fault, it’s genetics. Millions of years of evolution and Darwinian luck has made me literally unable to NOT put my penis inside that woman’s vagina.
Should my spouse find it unforgivable if I go bald, if my back gets hairy, or if I have three testicles? It’s not my doing! Genetics has it in for me. I can’t be blamed for being caught in bed with another woman. All the blame should go to my parents for passing along DNA that makes it completely impossible for me NOT to sleep with the babysitter.
I really enjoy this argument. Maybe I should get married just to use it someday. Then again it would be simpler and less costly just to apply to other problems in my life.
Sorry Officer, but I don’t think it is fair to give me a ticket for speeding. A glitch in my genetic wiring makes me physically unable to go less than 70 miles an hour.
One thing is for certain. If Hilary Clinton had been making this face back in the mid nineties, there might never have been the need for a rubenesque intern and therefore no impeachment.
We’ll never know for sure. Regardless, we can’t blame Bill. If men were meant to be monogamous their penis would break off and they would die after their first sexual encounter, sort of like a honey bee.
Unfortunately however, most males would be found dead around the age of thirteen in their bathrooms; on the floor is the Sears catalog opened to bra ads, and in their hands their cold, lifeless penis.
Comments(13) 
Posted by killer on 01/10 at 01:12 AM-
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I like the computer chip in Spike’s brain (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) that prevented him from harming humans.
I should have someone invent something similar. Then I wouldn’t have to make this decision. He’d just fall over dead, and then she’d have some explaining to do.
By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 10
and folks wonder why i am still single at 36...coz divorce and murder are both unappealing to me!
(i like bald and i like hairy, not so sure about that three test tickles thing, though)
By hellohahanarf on 2008 01 10
Wouldn’t three be like an having extra batteries? I’m sure it would look funny, but don’t they all look funny anyway?
By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 10
laughing:
interesting concept...when people get married, they have a special chip implanted that would kill them if promiscuous. Maybe that would cut back on the stepping out.
hello:
you just haven’t met the right man to divorce yet.
laughing:
If extra testes meant more stamina, a lot of guys would be having artificial ones put in. Maybe some nice lithium testicles.
By Killer on 2008 01 10
Speaking from experience, it’s much easier to forgive an act (or several) of indiscretion than to completely unravel your entire life because your SO got his dick wet somewhere else. That being said, if it’s an ongoing pattern that disrupts your life, you have no business being in a relationship at all, and I will remove your balls next time.
By jester on 2008 01 10
honestly, i don’t know how i would handle it. i would be devestated i’m sure. the why bugs me though. not so much that he would have betrayed my trust but more of a ‘that thing’s mine damn it!’ i’m an inherently selfish person. while i’m reasonably certian that the marriage would end in divorce the only question that remains is this. how long would i use my skill as a passive agressive to make his life fucking miserable as all hell before it finally unraveled.
(and seriously, would you want to stick your dick in that mouth? yech!)
oh, and i find three balls slightly frightening. simply because i do not want more kids. regardless of what the medical truth may be, for me, and extra testicle means extra sperm. not good.
By heather on 2008 01 10
Killer, do you think your hands will break up with you when you finally have sex with a woman?
By othurme on 2008 01 10
Here’s what I don’t get, if you want to sleep with more than one person, why be in a relationship? Stay single and then you can do what you want, when you want with whom you want and avoid all that unnecessary drama...And when I say you, I mean cheaters.
By churlita on 2008 01 11
Jester:
That is why I personally think it is better to have a few extra testicles to spare.
Heather:
I like the thought of a passive-aggressive forgiveness/punishment. Divorce seems like getting off easy sometimes. Make them go to therapy three times a week and allow your mother to visit more. That sounds more evil.
Othurme:
My HAND (only a freak would need two) and I have an open relationship. Lefty does not get jealous when I am with the ladies, and I don’t get upset when I catch him giving hand jobs to homeless guys for crack.
Churlita:
Wait...did you just call ME a cheater? I wish I could keep a chick long enough to step out on her. It takes so long for me to land one female, it seems unrealistic for me to have to worry about having them overlap.
By Killer on 2008 01 11
Well, I wish I had thought of Otherme’s comment.
And are Jester’s services for hire?
By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 11
laughing:
Please Don’t Encourage Othurme, and Jester is always for hire.
By Killer on 2008 01 11
As if I NEED encouragement.
By othurme on 2008 01 12
I didn’t mean that you were a cheater. I was just meant the collective “you” as in, THOSE people. ‘Kay?
By churlita on 2008 01 12