The Real Most Eligible Bachelor
Tonight we had an interesting topic at work...Should Millionaire Athletes/Celebrities get married?
My immediate thought was, probably not. I mean, you know that you are going to have every cheap, floozy throwing their panties and whatever happens to reside there, at you. At some point and time you are probably going to cave. It appears to be manly nature. I mean look at NY Governor Spitzer. He even went so far as to find a website and pay around $4300 for some ass. I mean he’s not a bad looking guy. I am not sure I wouldn’t have sex with him for that much. Okay, maybe not sex, but I would strip naked and do a sultry dance for him until he coughed up more dough for me to stop.
The cause of this discussion was a small local “socialite magazine” here in the Grand-Old Jackson, Mississippi, published a “Most Eligible Bachelor List” for the Greater Jackson Area. The top eligible bachelor was none other than Jackson’s native son, Deuce McCalister, Running Back for the New Orleans Saints. He graduated from my alma mater, Ole Miss, so he is a bit of a legend around these news worthy starved parts. One of my co-workers commented that she could not believe he was not married. I said, “that man probably has to hire a secretary to make appointments for all the ass thrown at him. What does a wife offer?” She was not amused or impressed with my wit. I think she has a stick up her ass, and she thinks I am a man whore. At least one of us wishes the other was correct. I will let you decide which.
Back to the local “socialite magazine” and it’s “Most Eligible Bachelor List”...There are two things funny to me about this: A. Does Jackson, MS., really NEED a society paper? B. Why was I not included?
Skipping the first one for obvious reasons, which include my being so far removed from Jackson high society that I did not even know it existed, we will move straight to the second. I’m an eligible bachelor, and according to my Mother, I’m pretty doggone special. I think this should qualify me for the “Most” list. I mean it included a 85 year old dude and two local weather men. The 85 year old is definitely not an eligible bachelor. What would the date consist of? Driving to his house, spoon feeding him mashed peas and then changing his diaper? If I had asked my last date to do that she probably would have charged me double the usual rate.
And local weathermen? I mean come on! Nobody watches the local weather anymore. Thats why Al Gore invented the internet, so we could know instantly if it was raining outside. I can’t quit playing World of Warcraft long enough to look out the window, so it is pretty handy. The weather man is probably only a few months away from unemployment, and when the only job skill you have is wearing a toupee and pointing at a blue screen superimposed with swirls and smiling clouds, it might be a spell before you are once again gainfully employed. If you want someone you have to support chose the 85 year old guy, at least you can mooch off of his Social Security checks.
Each guy had a really cheesy photo, what his occupation was, and “what he looked for in a mate.” I have decided to let you guys see my entry which I am going to send in to this magazine for the next list. If there is high society poon tang on the prowl, I want to make sure they catch my scent. And ask Liz, I can have a very potent scent.
Name:
Killer
Occupation:
CEO and President of Killer Rants with Liz and Small Engine Repair
Likes:
Short walks on the beach, puppy breath, and my balls.
What he is looking for in a mate:
Someone athletic and sexually adventurous, preferably with all their own teeth and a slutty twin sister. A woman who can find humor in everything around her, but won’t laugh at my club foot.
Comments(17) 
Posted by killer on 03/11 at 09:28 PM-
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Recent Comments
- Shane Warne said
Wow! Cute and lovely picture. Looks like so beautiful due to captured all of this photo such kind of wonderful moment. Keep it up.
- Samantha Knowls said
It’s nice to know about what you’ve written. You’re a brilliant writer.gift for a girlfriend
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I love you honey!!! You are my favorite high society bachelor by far and the best fake boyfriend I have ever had!!
By Cathy on 2008 03 12
“I think she has a stick up her ass, and she thinks I am a man whore. At least one of us wishes the other was correct.”
I’m thinking one of you definitely wishes you BOTH were correct.
I’ll give you a hint. His name starts with K and ends with iller.
By othurme on 2008 03 12
I think that you’re going to have to be a little flexible with that not laughing at your club foot thing. As long as she isn’t laughing at your balls, right?
And twins are a bit rare, so you might want to change that part to slutty sister and/or cousin.
By laughingattheslut on 2008 03 12
Cathy:
Thanks darling, our relationship might be fake, but the love is not.
Othurme:
As long as the stick is not in MY ass, I am all for it. And, it took me a while to figure out who you were talking about.
Laughing:
I am willing to take it by a case by case basis. I’m flexible, but it is more important that she be REALLY flexible.
By Killer on 2008 03 12
I just got in trouble for laughing too loud at work.
I can smell you from here. Are you so “special” that you took the short bus to school?
By Gwen on 2008 03 12
when i was a little girl i always wished for a twin sister.
now i am all grown up and STILL wishing for a twin sister.
i’m going to cry now...can’t belive i don’t match what you are looking for in a mate…
By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 12
hey, where is my hhd gravatar?!?!?!
(translation: hhd = high holy day = st. patrick’s day)
By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 12
ahhhhhhhh, there it is.
(hat says kiss me i’m irish)
ok, i’m done leaving you a shit ton of comments.
(did you know that a shit ton is more than a cubic ton?)
By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 12
wait! no i am not…
that is an awesome photo of you. the painting you are standing in front of is pretty cool. who is that?
By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 12
Gwen:
I was so special I had to wear a helmet while I rode the short bus.
Hello:
As I said, I am taking it by a case by case basis. I am willing to overlook the lack of a twin sister as long as you can meet the other requirements, and especially if you can do the work of two.
Hello:
The painting is not of anyone that I know. I’m a big fan of art, so I go to a lot of art shows and galleries. It’s an oil painting by a friend of a friend. That picture does not really do it justice. In the right light it appears as if she is peering into your soul.
By Killer on 2008 03 12
I think Killer should visit Pittsburgh. And I think he should wear a T-Shirt that says Kennywood is open.
By laughingattheslut on 2008 03 12
Killer, when Fishdog finally wakes up and dumps me, you’re my bachelor number one. I don’t have a slutty twin sister, but I have a best friend who said she would work something out for us…
By Mel-O-Drama on 2008 03 12
You should just do a most eligible list out of your blog world friends then. Of course, you could make yourself most eligible and all the other guys could fall on down the list.
By churlita on 2008 03 13
See....when you couldn’t fit in novelty t-shirts and now can, you wear them...right or wrong...you wear them....
Suck it Disco.
By gatey on 2008 03 13
laughing:
I don’t know what Kennywood is, but my fly is open.
Mel:
I can work with that, as long as she has most of her own teeth.
Churlita:
Good thinking, I will start accepting applications to be on my list.
Gatey:
Unlike you, I don’t wear ONLY ironic novelty Tshirts, and I have never actually worn that in public. My Mom gave me that shirt, which is kinda disturbing.
By Killer on 2008 03 14
kennywood is our amusement park. has a few great roller coasters. come to pittsburgh and take a ride, killer.
and if someone’s fly is open you might hear someone say, “kennywood’s open.” cheesy, but true.
By hellohahanarf on 2008 03 14
The idea that I only wear novelty t-shirts is misleading on two fronts…
1) It is skewed because I only see you at concerts.
2) I don’t really wear novelty t-shirts as much as band shirts or shirts from tv shows and movies that I like...although, my newest t-shirt, while from a show I like, can probably fall under the novelty t-shirt category.
You be the judge…
http://hbo.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/p4171187dt.jpg
By gatey on 2008 03 14