The Eharmony Mishaps Preview

A few years back, in a fit of desperation, I signed up for eharmony.  Now, this ain’t cheap.  It might only be a few bucks a month for a woman to join, but for guys it is like a hundred a month or some shit like that.  I did a special three month trial special for around 125. 

I enjoyed the incredibly long survey.  I was meant to build a fool-proof match for me.  The problem is, like most people, the answers you WANT to be true are not always what IS true. 

The most glaring problem is the infamous, “How important are looks?” They ask every question repeatedly in different forms to see if you are being honest, but this question is misleading.  Many people like to say looks don’t matter, but honestly they do.  They should give you pictures of people and say, “is this person attractive to you?”

Or better yet, they should offer a category that is listed, “It is important for me to date a hot chick that does not mind dating an ugly guy.” I know these women are out there, because I see them at the mall with ugly guys all the time.  Maybe those guys used to be better looking, or possibly the girl is on a mercy date that raged out of control, but I have seen it with my own eyes.

After you fill out the survey, complete with lies about not caring what people look like, you are immediately sent the first round of matches.  Eharmony recommends starting the communication process with EVERY one.  That way you increase your odds.  The problem is there are several stages of communication to meander through and they will send a dozen or more matches every day. Before long I was baiting about twenty desperate girls at a time.

First you can look at their survey summary.  Everyone, at least the ones I was matched with, all sounded exactly alike.  Funny, friendly, out-going, out-doorsy, open minded, etc., etc.  Then you could agree to ask each other five stock questions, and answer their questions.  Then you could ask five questions you write yourself.  Then you get to send a list of “must haves” and “must nots”.  If you are still hanging on you can finally opt to send open email correspondence through a safe eharmony account.  During this entire process there is what I refer to as the nuclear option, you could push a button and dump the other person without ever having to explain why.  (I was openly nuked once, but I probably deserved it) There was also what I like to call the super-desperate/slut option, you could just skip all the stupid fore play and go straight to open communication.  (I was convinced to do that once, but soon had to gnaw my own arm off to break free, also the only time I attempted the nuclear option.)

During my three month trial run I gave out my personal email address maybe ten times, talked to five on the phone and met one in person.  I learned a few important things about myself: My sense of humor does not always translate well in email (I am pretty sure I scared the shit out of a girl), I despise talking on the phone, A bad first date can feel like a life time, and most importantly, If they won’t show you a picture...abort.

This is sort of a teaser post.  I wanted to get the explanation of online dating out of the way for those of you who have never had the misfortune of trying it out.  If you do ever give it a whirl, be brutally honest in the survey. 
Tomorrow, barring a freak accident, I will tell post the first story.  Tentatively titled:  Note to Self:  My Email Might Have Caused An Amber Alert

•   Comments(8)    Posted by killer on 12/06 at 12:16 AM
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