That Ooomp Loompa Keeps Humping My Leg!
I’m being stalked by a woman I work with. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea that someone can’t resist my sexiness and raw manly charm, but enough is enough. I don’t what else to do. I have pretty much done everything I can to show a total lack of interest, other than being mean, which is a disease I have. Niceness is like a cancer eating away my soul.
Let me start at the beginning:
I started at this hospital at the same time as this girl. For ease of identification I will use the nickname given to her by some co-workers, Fluffy. Fluffy and I went through hospital orientation and, although we knew we would be working in the same unit, we did not really speak much in orientation. Once we began working she seemed to take a sudden shine to me. She always wanted to be right next to me and she would sort of rub up against me or put her hand on my leg or rub my back.
Normally I would enjoy this sort of attention, but I am not attracted to Fluffy in any way what so ever. She is almost fifteen years older than me and wears a LOT of orange-ish make up. She almost looks like an Oompa Loompa, but without the cool clothes.
I am pretty dense when it comes to the ladies showing their interest (which might account for my singularity) and did not notice Fluffy’s intentions until one night she suddenly sat down beside me and started asking ever increasingly suspicious questions. “What do you usually do for fun? Where do you do on the weekends? Are you seeing anyone? What are you doing this weekend?” I, of course, being a dim wit, did not see the next question coming. “Do you want to go out this weekend?” I was speechless while my brain tried to put these eight words into an understandable context. Suddenly I blurted back, “You mean....like on a date?!?”
She recovered with amazing deftness, “Oh no, just as friends...I don’t have many friends and am looking for someone to hang out with.” Suddenly my mind is in over wrought with adrenaline. For some reason my body has gone into Fight or Flight mode. All I can think of is, “I can’t this weekend, but I’ll take a rain check.” I’m the worst kind of dick. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want anything to do with this chick outside of work. I have spent the last few months dodging her requests for companionship with how busy I am starting my new business, or baby sitting my nephew. By now she must believe I am a business retard and my Sister is extremely neglectful of her child. One of those is very much false and the other is yet to be determined.
One night I found myself alone with her in our unit and she sat very close to me and started telling me how great of a guy I am and how much she values me as a friend. She even referred to me as one of her “closest friends.” Is that legal? I feel like I have been hi-jacked. How do you tell someone you don’t WANT to be their friend? I don’t think I am physically capable of being that mean to someone. The “Killer is Great” soliloquy went on for quite some time and I could see she was building up courage for a bolder approach. Finally she said, “I might have asked you before, but are you involved with anyone right now?”
I panicked and lied, “Sort of...I have been involved in a very unhealthy on-again-off-again relationship for several years with a fellow travel nurse. She is currently working in San Diego. We are back on right now.” I think I literally heard her heart break at that moment.
She wanted all the details. She wanted the name, to see pictures, all the juicy bits. I guess she wanted to know what she was against. I used my close friend and former roommate, Cathy.
I did however, call Cathy immediately and inform her of her new role. Also I wanted to warn her to keep an eye out for any Oompa Loompa looking people that might suddenly start following her or trying to kill her. She took it quite well. She is great like that.
Instead of dropping her dreams of becoming Mrs. Killer, she has redoubled her efforts. She wants to know what my weekend plans are all the time, she wants to be sitting next to me all the time, and now that we actually do have a little cutie pie that is working in our area, I am fearing for this cuties life. Every time Fluffy spots me talking to this other girl, she walks over and inserts herself into our discussion. I feel like I have been claimed and can not escape.
I understand her attraction...I’m one hot son of a bitch, when in scrubs and with the exception of my ego, I’m probably perfect. What do you, my faithful readers, think I am to do? Should I just come out and tell her she is in a losing battle? I can’t use homosexuality as an excuse because I don’t want to rule out a chance with other chicks in the hospital. I am pleading for some womanly advice on what to do. Discussions now open in comments.
Comments(22) 
Posted by killer on 04/02 at 09:11 PM-
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Two things:
A) Where are all these monster balls you keep talking about?
2) Starting the rumor that you’re gay will only help you get chicks. They love gay guys and they love turning them.
By othurme on 2008 04 02
The obvious answer here is to tell her that you are suffering from an unrequited love affair with me.
Make me an emotionally abusive bastard that strings you along constantly.
Then tell her that I’m insanely jealous of your friendships with women because I feel like you could be easily swayed to the dark side… you’ll have to stop being friends with her and you hope she can understand.
By jester on 2008 04 03
Perhaps you could buy her a copy of ‘He’s Not That Into You.’ Or start a conversation about how it’s really great to have a friendship with a woman where sex just doesn’t enter into it, because normally there’s an attraction there which eventually gets in the way of platonic friendship. ‘It’s so relaxing to know that I don’t have to worry about that with you, Fluffy.’
Alternatively, you could even come right out and say, ‘Fluffy, it seems as if you are looking for more than just friendship, and I don’t see our relationship heading in that direction. I might be getting the wrong end of the stick, but I wanted to make that clear from the outset.’ This is less harsh than rejecting her friendship altogether, but might have the same result.
Better to tell her now then accidentally give her a mercy shag during a dry spell of your own. That would only build her hopes up, and the onslaught would become far, far worse. Don’t make me say, ‘I told you so!’
By Stella Devine on 2008 04 03
I have to say I agree with Stella . . . that is a very nice way to let her know that it’s just NOT going to work out.
But, as an added precaution, I’d arrange for another co-worker to “accidently” walk in as you’re breaking the bad news to Fluffy so there is no misunderstanding later should her stalker tendencies reassert themselves.
Of course, you always could just let Liz take care of it. Sometimes that brutal female honesty is all that’s going to work. Plus, you don’t have to be there for it.
By Roadchick on 2008 04 03
Or you can go the otherway. Talk about your habbit of performing taxidermy on road kill every weekend. Talk about how proud you were to manage to stuff and mount your pet gold fish. Then mention casually that you beat your dungeons and dragons addictions. If this don’t have her running then you can always use the last resort. Mention how you and Jester are going to Canada for a wedding
By I. P. on 2008 04 03
On another blog we are discussing how weird it is that some men like to be called “Daddy” while in bed and such. Most of us have refused to do it. So maybe you can try and see if she’ll call you “Daddy”, and then maybe she’ll wrinkle her nose and go away.
By laughingattheslut on 2008 04 03
Are the comments outright turned off for the “My Birthday Gift to Killer” post?
By dmarks on 2008 04 03
And as for the Oompa Loompa, that’s a reflex from the chocolate factory days. That’s how they put creme fillings in chocolates.
By dmarks on 2008 04 03
fart really loudly on her. most chicks can’t appreciate a loud smelly one.
By hello haha narf on 2008 04 03
It is now time to tell her that you are not interested. I was going to tell you to tell her you are in a relationship, which kills it off immediately. But now you are in a situation where the girl is a bit mental.
So, you are going to need to tell her that you are sorry, but you are not interested, and that you would be more than happy to be work friends, but nothing more. Don’t tell her it’s you and not her. Just be honest. It’s time, my friend.
By Absurdist on 2008 04 04
Oh and MAKE SURE TO TELL HER “WORK FRIENDS”. Otherwise, she is going to want to hang out with you as personal friends. Seriously.
Or, just tell her you are gay. Or bi. Or tell her you have herpes or something.
By Absurdist on 2008 04 04
I can’t believe you chose Cathy over me to be your fake girlfriend. I am totally breaking up with you.
By liz on 2008 04 04
Everyone else has made good suggestions. I can only add that whatever you tell her, be sure to end with “Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Do” or she won’t understand you. And give her cacao beans.
By Gwen on 2008 04 06
Othurme:
I’ve been sued too many times for incidents involving my balls. I am skitish about letting them out.
Jester:
I’m trying to avoid the truth.
Stella Devine:
There is NO CHANCE of the mercy shag taking place.
Roadchick:
I will probably opt for making Liz do it, she needs the work.
IP:
I have tried making myself seem less attractive, but if you saw me in a pair of scrubs you would know how hard it is to resist me.
laughing:
I believe that she would call me anything I wanted.
dmarks:
The comments should be working, maybe it was a temporary glitch.
Now I won’t eat anymore cream filled chocolates.
Absurdist:
I have used the fake girlfriend excuse to no avail. The herpes might work… I could even draw on some and show her.
Liz:
I chose Cathy because she lives far away and is safer from getting murdered in a crazy attempt to make me single. You, however, would be in danger.
Gwen:
It is really sad now that everytime I see her I start humming that song.
By killer on 2008 04 07
Hello:
Sorry, I did not mean to skip you. Yours was the only one I actually think is a super idea, and I am going to try it tonight.
By Killer on 2008 04 08
Hey baby! I am actually moving to Charleston, SC in two weeks but we can plan a trip for me to see you and then invite her to go out with US. We will make her believe that you are not on the market. I owe you at least that much for all the jams you have helped me out with!!
By Cathy on 2008 04 08
Hey Killer!
Find out where she is politically and say you like the opposite. If she is a pro-life republican, tell her you love Dennis Kucinich and your last girlfriend had so many abortions that you got the last one free.
Find out what kind of music she likes. If she is a country music fan, recite to her your favorite lyrics from the last Lil’ John song.
If you like everything she hates, then she probably will leave you alone - even though physically you look so hot in scrubs.
Peace.
By Tre' on 2008 04 09
Gosh, any several of those suggestions would work for me. Instead of telling her you kicked the D&D;habit you COULD mention that you and your guy friends like to get together once a week for some roll playing action. That’s a total deal breaker in my world. Farting on me works too, mostly. The Herps are a great way to get me to run away.
I don’t think going gay will work, but I’m sure you would have some takers if you decided to have a fake boyfriend.
You’re welcome to snag a picture of my boobs and frame them on your desk. If mine don’t work, I’m sure you could find an offer.
You may have to wait for someone else to come along and distract her attentions.
By ginamonster on 2008 04 13
Oh no. You really did yourself in, didn’t you? Not only another girl, but an on-again-off-again relationship? The only thing women like more than men they can’t have are taking men away from other women. You just gave her more motive than ever! Now she wantts to “rescue” you from your bad relationship so that, in the pinnacle of all chickdom, she can steal you away and begin to shape her “diamond in the rough.
You see, it’s not about being the perfect man. What women want is a project man, just like we want a project car. It’s all about the bragging rights on how much they fixed you up compared to what a wreck you were before. The more imperfect you make yourself, the more “potential” you have.
I’d get some herpes quick, and start eating beans.
By rebturtle on 2008 04 14
Great post! Thanks for sharing!
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