Memorable Quotes and Conversations with Patients

The following post was originally posted on Killer Rants blogger version on Tuesday, December 12, 2006.

“I’m just scratching my balls. If I ever need help for that I will kill myself.”

“You’re too fat to be a nurse, go lose twenty pounds and try again.”

“A man nurse! Their gonna let that bitch, Hillary, be President, and my nurse has a dick. What has happened to America?”

“Your not giving me a suppository! Look at the size of your fingers!”

Patient one: “You have to move me, the guy in the next bed smells like elephant shit.”
Patient two: “You spend much time around elephant shit?”
Patient one: “No, that’s why I gotta move.”

“After you wipe my rear I want you to show me the toilet paper so I can assess my stool.” (studies used toilet paper for about a minute) “My doctor says my paralysis is all psychological. Does that look like the stool of a crazy person?”

Patient: “I think the woman in the next bed has had a bowel movement.
Me: “That bed is empty.”
Patient: “Well that just leaves you and me, and I think I would know if I had a bowel movement.”
Me: “I’ll go the bathroom and check.” (It was her)

Patient: “You guys are always poking me with a needle. What, do you charge per stick?”
Me: “Yes, the more sticks the more I get paid.”
Patient: “I knew it! I can’t wait to tell my brother, he said that was ridiculous.”
Me: “I was only joking. I just like sticking people with a needle. I’d do it for free.”
Patient: “Oh, well I’m going to tell him anyway, he’s an asshole when he’s right.”

Patient: “A male nurse? Why aren’t you a doctor?”
Me: “I was but my patients kept dying so they demoted me.”
Patient: “Can you become a doctor again?”
Me: “If you live through the night I’m one step closer.”
Patient: “What if I die?”
Me: “I have to work in the cafeteria.”

•   Comments(3)    Posted by killer on 06/30 at 04:58 PM
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