How to Eat Coochie

Alternate titles: 

Pandering to the Google Crowd

Sunshine for Othurme

Blogistan appears to be in a creative recession.  At least here in the respectable, lower middle class section of Blogistan that I frequent. 

When I started blogging, several years ago, there were very few blogs I read, and very few people that read this one.  Mostly I would read what Liz posted at her blog, and she and my Mother, would read mine.  When Liz became lazy, and tried to quit, I convinced her to join me here in an attempt to retain my primary reader, at least the one not related to me. 

Somehow a fellow by the name of Othurme wandered in one day and poked about long enough to become a nuisance.  When I followed him back to his blog, it was quite enjoyable.  From there we would find many other bloggers and eventually find out that there was more to Blogistan than hyperactive tweener bloggers living in Singapore and random Mommy bloggers touting pictures of ugly kids. 

One of my all time favorite aspects of Othurme’s blog, http://immunopressed.com, was his feat of becoming the number one google hit for “How to eat coochie”.  It showed that through hard work and diligence, one man can master the universe. 

I checked recently and it was no longer held by him.  Those feats were easier when we both had blogspot listings.  The evil Google empire appears to give much leverage to it’s own sites, although they claim to be neutral.  (I’m sorry google...I did not really mean that...don’t move me down the list, please)

Lately Othurme has been taking a hiatus from blogging and I figured this was my chance to step in and steal his limelight.  I have always wanted that star listing, but figured that if I tried to make my move, Othurme would pounce back into the race. 

So here is my official instructions on How To Eat Coochie:

How to Eat Coochie

The key to coochie eating is coochie selection.  If you choose a coochie that is past is prime, then no matter what recipe you follow, it just won’t taste right.  Also important to remember, if you choose a coochie that has not fully ripened.  It will be bitter, disappointing, and can lead to imprisonment. 

Back in the seventies it was easy to tell a coochie that was ready for eating.  It had hair.  Now, the trend has moved towards making all coochie look like it belongs on a eight year old, so more elaborate tests need to be used.

I have heard some say you should thump the coochie like a cantaloupe in order to determine it’s ripeness, but in today’s litigious society that test can lead to lawsuits, loss of job, or both.  I personally prefer the more sure fire method of asking to see some form of government issued identification.  You can never be too cautious when choosing the ripeness of the coochie.  If you decide to forgo this step and jump straight into the first coochie that is presented you, you run a serious risk of incarceration.  If that should happen you might be more interested in my next installment in the “How To” series, “How to Toss a Salad”.

Once you have ascertained the proper ripeness of the coochie you can finally proceed to the next step, Preparing the coochie.

First and Foremost:  You have to make sure the coochie WANTS to be eaten.  It’s not an inanimate object like a taco, well it’s sort of like a taco; you can’t just pounce and eat...you have to consider the coochie’s feelings in all this.  Woman’s lib really ruined the ease of coochie eating.  Long gone are the days of coochie buffets, now you have to consider HER needs.  What has the world come to.

After you have received the go ahead for coochie eating make sure you understand that you are not Literally “eating coochie”, don’t go chomping and chewing.  You have to love the coochie, you have to caress the coochie. 

So, you have caressed the coochie and now you want to wrap things up so you can get your return in investment.  I mean lets be honest, you weren’t eating that coochie for coochie’s sake, it was in hopes that she would return the favor.  You don’t want to waste the entire night down there. 

I know it seems like there should be more to these steps, but I usually have trouble getting past the first two steps.  To be honest, I was going to shoot an instructional video using a full scale model I built out of a couple slices of bologna and a sweet gerkin pickle (serving as the fabled clitoris).  Although it didn’t look good on film, it was surprisingly tasty on toasted wheat. 

In truth I am hoping this motivates Othurme to get out of his funk and return to Blogistan in order to fight for what was once rightfully his. 

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