Okay, I finally know what I am doing wrong.

So, what I need to do, if I understand you correctly above, is get my teaching certification and sleep with 12-17 year olds?  Cuz if that’s what it’s gonna take to get laid, I’ll do it.

Plus, they have so much more energy at that age, and are easily trainable...And eager to please.

I’m all for it.

By Absurdist on 2008 01 31

Killer,
do you really want 200 quarters?  Me, I want the little key that opens the cash box to the machine.

And Dear Absurdist,

Well, I don’t know about 12-17 year olds, and of course I didn’t let it get as far as actually getting laid, but I have found out how to get a lot of attention from younger males of the species.  (Can’t really call them men, even if they are thirty.)

First, you come up with a reasonable explanation of why you aren’t even dating at the moment.  You’re going through a bad breakup, you don’t have the time, etc....

Then, you come up with about ten reason why you wouldn’t date the particular younger person even if you were dating, like he’s ten years younger than what you would be looking for, he’s the wrong religion, he has some objectionable habit like smoking, he disagrees with you on about seven major topics that you would need to agree on, etc....

Then after you explain all of this to him, the little idiot will be all over you.

What’s with that?

By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 31

Slut: (Oh, I love truncating your name to that, that’s awesome!)

Thanks for the advice.  You see, I really don’t understand men.  So, what you are telling me is to lie.  I can do that, very well.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to get laid in a hundred years, except that one time when that guy used me.  Bastard.

So, what if I throw in a sigh, and say something like, “You know, all I am looking for is something with no strings attached.  I am so tired of relationships.  All I want to do is spend my money doing fun things, and take someone along with me for the ride.”

What do you think about adding that in?

By Absurdist on 2008 01 31

The pot vending machine is a big topic of conversation on the talk radio stations here in California. Everyone has been dying to get the rights to the space beside to put in the snack machine.

Unfortunately there will be no room because of the 2 armed guards around the machine.

Does it no defeat the purpose of automation to hire 2 guys to guard the fucking machine?

By dave on 2008 01 31

Dear Absurdist,

I think that you are setting your goals too high for this type of thing to work.

While I don’t actually approve of anyone lying, I think in this case it wouldn’t do any good anyway.  The “men” would have to have some reasoning abilities to have something like that work.  If you said all of that stuff the “men” wouldn’t be able to follow what you’re saying.

They need something a lot simpler.  Say no, but then keep talking.  They don’t seem to get it that you’re trying to be nice and let them down easy.  If after you’ve said no, you don’t immediately walk away, they get it into their heads that they still have a chance. 

If you say yes, or maybe, or I’ll have to think about it, then they’ll think that there must be something wrong with you if you’re considering going out with them, and they’ll immediately lose interest.

But if you say no, and then maybe go into the let’s just be friends speech, they will try to f**k you right there in the parking lot.  It just doesn’t make any damn sense.

By laughingattheslut on 2008 01 31

Damn.

Apparently, I REALLY don’t understand men.  I had no idea that this is how they worked.  I have always been honest and myself…

Now I know; don’t be myself; figure out what indeed is different and focus on that.

Thanks for the advice!

By Absurdist on 2008 01 31

i’ll be your teacher, killerbaby.

By hellohahanarf on 2008 01 31

Killer and Dave-

I thought you had to have a prescription for pot- even in LA. Or at least a dealer. Wow. I never thought I’d see this in my lifetime. NEVER.

Can I buy stock in that company? It’s going to be a booming business- well, unless it gets busted somehow.

By liz on 2008 01 31

What about joints within the snacks? So get your chips and a doobie for 1 low price.

By Paul on 2008 01 31

“ 2 guys to guard the fucking machine?” - Absurdist.

Hey, once you invent such a technological marvel, its going to take more than two guys to guard it.

By dmarks on 2008 02 02

You have to have a card that certifies you to buy pot from the machine. Which requires a note from your Doctor. But it is not hard to find a crackpot doctor that will write the script. Actually here in Oakland we have pot stores you go too. And you can get all kinds of different types of pot. We are the Amsterdam of the U.S.

California is truly the best place in the U.S. to live

By Topncal on 2008 02 02

“But it is not hard to find a crackpot doctor that will write the script.”

For crack AND pot? Wonder how many guards you need for a crack vending machine.

By dmarks on 2008 02 03

Sorry I have been AWOL.  I had a few things to take care of yesterday.

So here’s the real deal about me, since I BS ALL the time, and you can never take what I really say, especially about sex online.

1. I am very educated on sexuaity, as I have explicity shown on BTR and some of my blogs and responses to others’ blogs.

2. I really don’t want a boy toy,

4. I haven’t been in a relationship in five years.  I have had enough one-night stands.  They don’t bother me, and I don’t do the “walk of shame”.  I am 35; I couldn’t care less what other’s think.

5. I ust want to stop the one-night-stands.  I am willing to get to know someone has a friend first, and then it turns into something more potentially.

How does that put a damper on your day?  I promise, however, now that you know the real me, I will still live up to my expectation as the “grosser-outer” for poppy on all blogs.  I will continue to prime it right as her lunchtime so she pukes.

Fair enough?

M--

By Absurdist on 2008 02 03

Dear Absurdist,

You seemed to have forgotten a number 3 in your list.

While I applaud anyone who decides to get some morals, you probably picked a bad time for them.  The insane hormones are going to kick in any day now, if they haven’t already.

Have a nice day.

By laughingattheslut on 2008 02 03

Killer, apologies for hollering at you here, but I need the MTC topic from you and Bio.  Please check your email. 

By Jayne d'Arcy on 2008 02 03

It is always better late than never, so why not respond at a ridiculously delayed pace?

Absurdist:
It appears very easy to bang a young teenager, I don’t even think they will check your credentials, so you can just lie about them, they aren’t very smart.

Laughing:
200 quarters always makes me feel rich.

Dave:
2 guards for the machine?!?  Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just have them stand on the street corner and sell the drugs themselves?  Oh wait, that happens anyway.

Hello:
Thanks baby, you always got my back...and apparently my front.

Liz:
I am going to open my own vending pot machine here in Mississippi, although the crystal meth machine will probably do better.

Paul:
That seems more likely to stand up in court.  “Honest, I was just selling cheetos at $100 a bag, the marijuana just grew there in the baggie behind them.”

dmarks:
I am definitely in for THAT machine.

Topncal:
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard about the difficulty with acquiring the “pot card”.  “Doc, my toe hurts, but pot helps the suffering.” POT CARD!
The bad part is Cali is the best, but they know it and make you pay for it.

dmarks:
The crack vending machine would probably have a disgusting, filthy appendage to suck on to earn some free crack.

Absurdist:
Did you get us mixed up with eharmony? 

laughing:
morals, schmorals...they never helped anyone.

Jayne:
I posted that about 24 hours ago.

By killer on 2008 02 04

If I give you $50 in quarters, what do I get in return?

By Absurdist on 2008 02 04

EHARMONY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

So does chemistry.com.

I have done online dating since 1996.  Look how far it’s gotten me.

Slut:

#3. I am tired of all men, no matter what they look like, thinking that they can have a perfect barbie doll.

I am so done with online dating.  It’s all done.  It’s me and my vibrator (which is now a dildo since I broke it) all the way.  Until the next potential comes along.

By Absurdist on 2008 02 04