Eharmony Mishaps take 1

My Email May Have Caused An Amber Alert

If you don’t understand how eharmony generally works read the preview first.

I had been sending out communications like a mad man.  I was receiving about five a day and I would immediately “begin communications”.  I think you just basically sent them a notice saying you would like to begin the process and they could look over your crap and decide if they consented.  The eharmony dude said, “begin communications with as many as possible to better your chances.” So I did.  I did not really care what their profile said, they all basically said the same thing, so I would go forth in hopes of spreading my seed amongst the masses. 

It got very confusing because I had probably twenty different open communications in various levels.  Some would just be stupid pre-processed questions and others would be free for all emails.  I soon was forgetting who I had told what story to and I was extremely paranoid about saying the same thing over and over again to some chick.  I would find my self going back and reading every piece of previous communication to refresh myself on what this person did for a living and where they were located.  (I also made the mistake of not narrowing down my applicant pool.  I picked “anywhere” in the US, since I moved around for my job so much.)

After a short time I got bored with telling the same damn stories about myself and shit, so I started to just cut and paste the first several emails.  I would ad lib a few lines to make it seem more personal, but basically I was treating the eharmony experience more like a job, instead of an opportunity to pick up loose women.

One girl in particular seemed to stand out from the rest.  She answered the stock questions with unique answers instead of the usual banality I had come to expect.  We moved to the next phase of questions which we made up ourselves.  The ones she sent were actually funny and clever so I made up a few that I thought were nice, including one that would become a standard I asked everyone.  “When I become President of the U.S., will you write a tell-all book describing all my strange quirks and shortcomings?”

Her answer really surprised me, “Since I work in the publishing industry and my hobby is manual typesetting, yes, I would definitely write that book.”

“Manual typesetting”?!?  I don’t even know what that is.  Is she using an old Ben Franklin era printing press to print a local newsletter or something?  It seemed so bizarre I had to know more.  At this point I figured she was just fucking with me.  I mean who the hell is a manual typesetter enthusiast?  We mutually agreed to open communication to email.

We sent a few goofy emails back and forth, very simple, just trying to be funny and feel out the other for sense of humor and the sort.  I thought I had a good feel for her personality. 

I was apparently wrong.  She sent me a longer email joking around about online dating and how difficult it is to find someone who shared her passion for manual typesetting.  There she was bringing up that crazy shit again.  I was in a festive (meaning drunk) mood when I read it and decided to fire back a response.  Often times I can start writing a nice peaceful response but then my imagination starts to run wild and the whole thing will fly off the tracks into a bizarre tangent that only I and maybe someone like Liz would find funny. 

Below is the email that I sent in response to her troubling woes of failing to locate a fellow typesetting enthusiast.  In my defense, I really thought she was just joking about that whole thing.

I can appreciate your love of typesetting.  I have long been contemplating a career change. I like to cut letters out of newspapers and magazines and glue them to a piece of paper to use for correspondence.  It is time consuming, but gratifying.  I think this hobby has gotten a lot of bad press in our society by being associated with just the criminal element, but it is a misunderstood art form.  Say you want to write grandma a letter, but your writing hand has been damaged while enjoying a game of lawn darts, well you could call me up and dictate your message; I would then choose the appropriate letter and design, put it all together real nice and send it off for you. 

There is a lot more to this than people think.  You can’t just grab any cut out letter randomly, a good bit of planning is needed.  It would just look awful if you were to use a bold Comic Sans T next to a small italicized Hebrew O.  It’s also not a good idea just to cut up and glue together an entire sentence of lower case Times Roman, any damn word processor could do that.

I think I am really on to something here.  The largest portion of my business would probably be kidnappers.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to keep a person restrained and quiet while trying to cut out all those letters, apply the glue, AND get them all into the right order.  You don’t want to come across as an amateur by misspelling ransom, or worse yet, if you don’t glue it well enough and a few of the zeros fall off, suddenly all your hard work is for nothing when you open the bag of money and it only contains $1000 instead of $100000.  I’m pretty sure these guys would be lining up for my services. 
I bet I could even advertise in some trade magazines like Kidnappers Digest or something along those lines.

In case you haven’t seen it coming yet, she gave me the nuclear option.  I hit send and within the hour she had ended all communication with no explanation, reply, or fare thee well. 

I’m not sure if she misunderstood and thought that I actually was kidnapping people, or maybe SHE had been kidnapped at some point in her life.  Possibly she really was a huge manual typesetting enthusiast and was greatly offended by my making light of her passion.  Regardless she had heard all she needed to hear.  I learned that my sense of humor is not appreciated by the general public. 

•   Comments(9)    Posted by killer on 12/07 at 12:35 AM
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