Eharmony Mishap Take 2

For those of you just joining us, you will probably want to get caught up by reading this, and possibly this.

So, it is well documented that I am not the best of online boyfriends.  I guess if you don’t really know me than you will think I am crazy, or just an asshole.  Either might be true. 

This next example of eharmony tomfoolery is they last adventure I had with that site.  After this occurrence, luckily, my three month trial period ran out, and I was too distraught to continue on.  I instead opted back to my life of hoping random sluts walked up to me in bars and raped me.  Not the best plan, but it has it’s occasional successes.

I was still trying ot juggle about fifteen girls through email.  By now I had become really bored with the whole process and would pick random ones to tell them the exact opposite of what I would normally say.  I refer to it as the George Castanza plan. 

This worked well enough.  I would usually get dumped almost immediately, but every so often it would last a few weeks.  I am not sure if these are the girls who usually look for dicks to date, but it is really fun to be the dick for a spell, especially with the anonymity of the internet.  My favorite example of the George Castanza plan: 

Eharmony Girl:  “My best friend is my cat...do you like cats?” Me:  “I LOVE cats!  Unfortunately, however, the court says I can’t come within 100 feet of one.  I don’t think anything is illegal if the animal is enjoying it as much as I am.”

That one resulted in a lack of response and a polite send-off about a week later, with the stated reason, “I just want to focus on other people.” I thought it was very mature of her.

It was around this time that I actually moved beyond the realm of email and actually started to talk to several on the phone.  Wow!  These girls really have voices.  Girls voices.  But man, they would not shut up.

It is like pulling teeth for me to talk on the phone with someone I don’t know.  I usually get pretty paranoid about saying something that will make me look crazy; as in, “I like to have sex with cats.” See that is an online response only.  I have to know you for a few weeks before I start saying shit like that in person.

One of the girls I was talking to lived in Columbus, Ohio.  She was in graduate school for entomology.  For those of you not good at trivia, that is the study of insects.  I thought that sounded pretty cool.  I mean, a girl who will be playing with bugs all day has got to be interesting.  What could possibly be wrong with a a person who wants to dedicate their life to the study of wood grubs?  Maybe a face only a wood grub could love.

We talk several times a week for a few months.  She was really cool and it did not seem too difficult to keep a conversation going.  Not only that, she was cool with me just saying, “look, I am so tired of talking on the phone, can I let you go?”

I would pretend to be interested in her getting her finger bitten while sticking it in to some dark hole and she would pretend to be enthralled when I likened it to when I stuck my finger in a homeless guy’s asshole.  I swear, something in there clamped onto my finger.  You know in the movie Alien?  When the little mouth would come out of the Alien’s bigger mouth?  I kept expecting that to come out of this guy’s asshole.  Yes, she liked that story also...I was beginning to be smitten.

As with all things in life, there came a time to either shit or get off the pot.  We decided to meet.  I was about to be driving from Mississippi to my next work destination, Philadelphia, PA.  I surveyed my map and realized, with a small detour, Columbus, OH., was on the way.  We set a date.  I would call from my hotel when I arrived and she would meet me out.  I requested someplace without bugs.  She requested someplace without assholes.  We both agreed that we would try our best.

The big day came and I drove like mad to get all the way to Columbus with a modicum of time remaining to get freshened up.  I checked into the hotel, hopped into the shower, shaved, and splashed a dash of cologne on my balls.  Better safe than sorry, plus they like to smell good on occasion.

She shows up, and boy howdy, the apprehension in the air is so thick you can spread it on a bagel.  It is pretty obvious, by her reaction, that she was expecting someone better looking, and I was actually relieved, because, man, she was ugly.  I would have felt really guilty if she seemed to be into me. 

The night was very awkward, all the magic of our phone conversations was gone.  All that was left was a quiet meal at some Somalian restaurant.  Apparently the Somalian culture does not usually allow men and woman to eat together, but they will make exceptions when non-Somalians come into their restaurant; otherwise the men eat in the main dining area and the women eat in the back room.  I kept laughing internally about the thought of me stopping the waiter and complaining there was a female at my table.  At this point, I did not think she would agree with this being funny, and the waiter might not even realize she was female. 

We ate dinner and drove back to the hotel.  I can safely say we were probably both dreading the goodbye.  She probably was worried I was going to invite her into my room and I was worried she would not leave fast enough for me to make the nine o’clock movie at the theater across the street.  Luckily for both of us, it ended quickly and painlessly.  Before the car stopped, I had the door opened and one foot out.  I don’t think she even came to a complete stop, she was so eager for me to go.  I said goodnight and promised to call, she just said goodbye. 

I made it to the nine o’clock movie.  The next day I continued on to Philadelphia.  I finally felt so guilty about finding her so unattractive and decided to call her.  I had no idea what to say, the whole ordeal went so badly.  After putting it off and putting it off, I called, but she did not answer.  She never called back, so I never pressed the issue.  I am satisfied that we both were mutually repulsed so therefore, it was a successful breakup. 

In retrospect, I want to say she looked like a bug, but that might just be the entomology connection.  Hopefully she doesn’t remember me looking like a homeless guy’s asshole.

•   Comments(7)    Posted by killer on 12/12 at 12:03 AM
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