Balls of Fury

I have mentioned at the old blog about my dangerous Sleeping Troubles.  I wish it were not so, but that does not stop the dangers to those around me when I am having a bad dream. 

I will jump up, talk shit, fling sheets or pillows, and as witnessed this weekend, cause bodily harm to those around me.

This past weekend my extremely gracious friends Bam and Mrs. Bam decided to drive to Dallas for a few days to check out possible business opportunities to bring back to the back water land of Mississippi.  Since the Bam Family also consists of a precocious 14 year old, she was brought along against her will.  Actually she was lured along by the misleading prospect of visiting many of the splendorous malls of Dallas.  She was not really informed of the strict “No Shopping” policy recently implemented by her totalitarian Father, Bam. 

An entire post could be written about the difficulties of dragging a fourteen year old girl and her hip, shop-happy Mother past an array of new and exotic stores, but I have digressed from my original story line:  My Violent Sleeping Disturbances.

We got a sweet deal on the Galleria Hilton in Dallas.  It is always an adventure when two star people get to stay in four star accommodations.  There were no immediately visible blood stains and the T.V. was not bolted down.  My only complaint was that said T.V. was too large to fit into the trunk of our automobile.  The staff was understanding, but possibly a little too trusting.  They never questioned us carrying it through the posh lobby, and the valet parking attendant did not complain when we asked him to take it back upstairs.

But still, I need to stay on point.  I Beat Bam in My Sleep Like He Owed Me Money.

The sleeping arrangements were simple; Bam and I in one queen size bed and Mrs. Bam and their daughter in the other.  This is the usual sleeping arrangements when I travel with the Bam Family.  I sneaked along on their Bahamian vacation, enjoying the all-inclusive resort with a fake arm band I made to resemble their’s.  Bam loves sleeping with a very large, hairy guy, or at least he used to.

We snuggled into bed, Bam and I.  Me reading the last Harry Potter and him trying to cling fervently to his 1/4 of the bed without falling out.  I finally managed to doze off, but kept dreaming about being in the dangerous wizarding realm of Harry Potter.  This was apparently giving me some fitful issues, because I would suddenly leap out of bed, half asleep, and after realizing I was dreaming, crawl back in to bed, thankful that no one was awake to see me act a fool.

I am not sure exactly what was occurring in the dream, but I was apparently under grave duress because I suddenly leapt out of bed with a luxurious pillow in each hand and began to pummel Bam with them like a two armed windmill attacking a slumbering giant. 

I estimate that I probably hit him a good half dozen times before waking up enough to remember it is poor etiquette to accost roommates with inanimate objects, no matter how downy soft or how high the thread count is. 

Upon realizing the error of my ways, I shamefully crawled back onto the bed.  Just as I was re-entering the bed, Bam yelled, “Are you crazy, what the hell are you doing?” I was on all fours with my head buried into the pillow, my weapon of choice, and just replied, “I am so sorry.  I owe you an apology for that one.” “You’re damn right you do.” is all he added before we both drifted back to sleep, as if nothing ever happened.

The next morning we were both up early and still in bed when I tried to explain what had happened.  We suddenly heard giggling from the next bed.  It seems Mrs. Bam was awake.  Bam asked her is she saw anything funny last night.  She just laughed and said, “Well, I heard a ruckus, looked over and saw Killer on all fours.  I was not sure what you two were doing, so I rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Bam was taken aback by this.  He said in an exasperated voice, “So, if Killer was raping me in the bed next to you, you would just roll over and sleep through it?” Laughing she replied, “I did not want to embarrass you guys.” She is a classy Southern gal, always thinking of others first.

It was discussed several times that day.  Bam managed to build it up more traumatically each time.  By the end, there were six pillows being swung at him and at least three of them were filled with oranges.  It seemed like he even developed a slight limp.  He is such a drama queen.

It is now almost midnight, and Mr. and Mrs. Bam go to bed at nine p.m.  I plan to sneak into their room and beat him senseless with a few pillows. 

I wonder if, once he is rudely awakened by another pillow assault, he can tell the difference in the high quality, posh hotel pillows and my cheap wal-mart pillows. 

I wonder how many nights I can do this before they kick me out of their house.  I will keep you informed.  Anyone have a spare bedroom?

•   Comments(15)    Posted by killer on 07/29 at 10:02 PM
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